THE JIM TRESSEL MOOD CHART

by Orson on Aug 10, 2009 2:25 PM EDT

Perhaps you're an emotional cripple like we are. If you're male, this is doubly likely, since most men could not accurately pinpoint an actual emotion if held at gunpoint. "Happy? Sad? Hungry? All three? Yes. And horny. Add that one in there, too." Aside from occasional drunken brushes with tears during random songs played at bars and the occasional commercial, though not necessarily that old Staples commercial where a husband is caught buying school supplies for his teacher wife even though they're tightening up the belt at home, because crying gustily at that commercial would be for sissies, and THESE ALLERGIES ARE BECOMING OVERWHELMING. Excuse us.

[/loudsobbing, sound of swishing liquor in bottle.]

Ahem. To help you get in touch with your emotions leading up to the season, we thought we would help by offering the Jim Tressel Mood Chart. You may find yourself trapped in an awkward conversation where someone asks you about your feelings. This will be with a "woman," probably a "wife," "girlfriend," or "prison psychiatrist." They will all want answers, and because they may have sex with you in the future, you have to give them answers. Since your answers will be terrible, just point to something on this chart as a response.

The chart should yield multiple dividends. First, skirts take flight for the winter and and never return under the steely gaze of Jim Tressel: it's foreplay and distraction in one efficient move. In addition to this, your wife/girlfriend/prison psych will assume you're actually trying, and will likely call this "progress." Finally, you can engage in this activity while spending mere seconds away from watching sweet, precious football. It combines emotional fraud and sex, and if the two of those things aren't more arousing as a cocktail than as single, separate, shots, we don't know what kind of emotional bar you're frequenting.

(Product also applicable to women who, as outliers of their species, would rather be watching the game in between sexual encounters and meals, and are trapped with men who want to discuss these "emotions." God bless each and every one of you and your golden haunches.)

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Comments

After looking at the chart I can definitely say that I am a mix between, “bored” and “angry.”

by JIMatUA on Aug 10, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

to successfully illustrate communication between my husband (alabama fan) and i during a football game would require the emotions of hungry (meaning time to fire up the grill), thirsty (take one beer out of the freezer, replace it with one from the fridge and deliver to the couch), random comments about alabama players during the game (omg julio jones is freaking fast/terrance cody is freaking huge), and at the end of the night there needs to be an emotion for gambling which suggests at midnight when the games are winding down we get our drunk butts in the car and drive an hour to the casino’s in mississippi

by msufan on Aug 10, 2009 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, underneath that leathery exterior of a prehistoric animal lies a poison nut. You should fit in well in Columbus.

by Crabapple Buck on Aug 10, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

So now I have an expression to truly show how awful this season will be because I have to sleep during the late afternoon and night games (stupid graveyard shift) this season.

by Signal to Noise on Aug 10, 2009 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

the “surprised” example is classic and worthy of several Monday evening cocktails on the veranda (though that’s plainly one of Tressel’s doubles). Additionally, a show of hands for the Evony click-thru.

by haveagreatday on Aug 10, 2009 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

I always thought “shy” was expressed via the same facial expression, but wearing the grey sweater vest

by vegas_buckeye on Aug 10, 2009 5:44 PM EDT reply actions

hope you, or whomever, didn’t spend too much time on this. it just isn’t very funny.

by lane on Aug 10, 2009 5:49 PM EDT reply actions

Lane Kiffin is posting on EDSBS!

Oh Lane, we know that you are just jealous you don’t have a chart of your own. Unfortunately, “douchebag” is your only emotion and we can’t make a chart out of just one.

by James on Aug 10, 2009 8:20 PM EDT reply actions

tressel is outstanding. if you ever need a picture of him doing something different, say, yawning, check the archives from any of the last five michigan games. beating the wolverines is old vest to him by now.

by onegreatseason on Aug 10, 2009 10:31 PM EDT reply actions

Women be shoppin’

by b on Aug 11, 2009 1:29 AM EDT reply actions

Gob: My God, what is this feeling?
Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that you’re… that you’re feeling is-is what many of us call "a feeling."
Gob: But it’s not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it’s the opposite. It’s… it’s like my heart is getting hard.

by Jams on Aug 11, 2009 8:47 AM EDT reply actions