HE'S TANNED, HE'S RESTED, HE'S READY . . . OK, ONE OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD

by dougisthesoulmachine on Aug 5, 2009 10:53 AM EDT

The U.S. House of Representatives certainly has never had a shortage of complete nutcakes, but ever since former Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE) declined to run for re-election in 2006 (in favor of an ultimately unsuccessful run for governor), it has been regrettably short on former coaching legends. According to the Orlando Sentinel, though, next year the House may have a shot at bolstering its numbers in both categories: Former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN talking/babbling head Lou Holtz has been talking to national Republican leaders about the possibility of running against incumbent Rep. Suzanne Kosmas for the Congressional seat representing Florida's 24th district. Granted, there's probably a case to be made that Holtz couldn't be that much worse than must of the fruit cups currently representing us on Capitol Hill, but the mere concept remains so intensely, willfully surreal on its face that there can only be one possible purpose for it: grooming a suitably bonkers running mate for Sarah Palin's inevitable 2012 presidential campaign.

Palin/Holtz '12: In your heart, you know it'd be hilarious.

What kind of a representative/VP would Sweet Lou be? Well, we already know he'd be a big fat no on the Kyoto Protocols. If his continuing close relationship with Notre Dame is any indication, we can also assume he'd swing solidly to the right on all the hot-button social issues -- abortion, euthanasia, the right of Michigan and Ohio State fans to intermarry, that sort of thing. As far as clues from his actual coaching career, we can assume he'd be dedicated to building a strong national defense, but that he'd also follow a fairly strict non-interventionist policy (unless you can find any evidence that his South Carolina teams mounted any offense whatsoever). As far as we're concerned, the wild card here is health care: If he's going to run as a Republican, the obvious assumption is that he's against Obama's health-care proposal, but you have take into account his unclear stance on drug benefits and his casual distribution of advice (as a "Doctor" on ESPN) that was, at best, quasi-solicited -- there's a possibility he'd be down for a lot more government involvement there than the GOP would like. (All together now: MAVERICK!)

As for potential appointments or staff members, it's probably early to be speculating on those as well, but one name seems like a pretty safe bet: Beano Cook as assistant for national security affairs, the Scooter Libby to Lou's Dick Cheney? Yeah, you laugh now. Just see if he doesn't.

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Comments

Imagine the looks of confusion on the Congressional floor when he stands up and does the ‘newspaper trick’ from his pep talk.

by Flatlander on Aug 5, 2009 11:18 AM EDT reply actions

Beano with access to the levers of power would be very bad news for our fearless leader.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2006/05/19/bloodfeud-beano-versus-orson-part-one/

by DevilGrad on Aug 5, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

As long as the man is tOSU and the woman is UM, then it is permissable. However, a suitable UM woman doesn’t exist in nature. If we find one, we’ll give her a suitable rodgering.

by Crabapple Buck on Aug 5, 2009 11:24 AM EDT reply actions

Holtz would be a Corrine Brown level politician at best. GO IRITHSH!!

by ALGator on Aug 5, 2009 11:31 AM EDT reply actions

Auburn takes full credit for inthpiring ol’ Mushmouth to throw hith hat in the ring. Before the 2007 AU-UF game his reply to the question, “What are Auburn’s chances to win?” he answered.

“About the thame as me being elected Thenator of Florida!”

As every Florida fan knows full well, Auburn won 20-17.

Lou must have taken that game to heart and reconsidered his bright political future in Florida.

War. Damn. Eagle.

Sullivan013

by sullivan013 on Aug 5, 2009 11:50 AM EDT reply actions

Saw this headline but didn’t realize that district was right near me. Or maybe I’m in it, I don’t really care.

Too bad he wouldn’t be elected even if the Gators win again this year. He’d put Corrine Brown to shame.

by Tim on Aug 5, 2009 12:35 PM EDT reply actions

I meant to say he wouldn’t be in office yet by the time the BCS 2010 bowls roll around. Damn lack of edit in stupid blog software.

by Tim on Aug 5, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

No one could put Corrine Brown to shame. People make fun of the way Lou Holtz sounds because of a lisp. People make fun of Corrine Brown because she appears uneducated and unintelligent when she speaks on the floor of the US House of Representatives.

by chg on Aug 5, 2009 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

Lay off Sarah, Doug. The woman is more masucline than you are.

by El Kabong!!! on Aug 5, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

couldn’t be any worse than barney frank?

by Ramblin Dreck on Aug 5, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

There is a pretty good chance I’ll be living overseas by 2012, in which case I will support the Palin/Holtz ticket wholeheartedly.

by Harris on Aug 5, 2009 1:05 PM EDT reply actions

May be, El Kabong. But is she as good with Lego’s?

(Got your back, Doug)

by NRBQ on Aug 5, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

Doug’s been bumping up against the “no politics, no way, no how” policy of this blog for a couple days running here. I am concerned.

by JD on Aug 5, 2009 1:28 PM EDT reply actions

I kinda disagree, but I see where you’re coming from. Doug’s pre-emptive explication of the First Amendment as it applies to the Hawaii situation was about as close to the line as i’ve seen him get, and even that was nothing Orson would have disapproved.

This post was fairly innocuous, in my opinion. We must not get the politically-based grumblings of commenters mixed up with those of the blog’s proprietors. As far as I’ve seen, Doug hasn’t spoken harshly to a politically disagreeable commenter nor has the discourse risen (sunk?) to such a level that he would need to employ Orson’s elephant gun.

And all of this is coming from someone who, from what I can tell, couldn’t be more strongly opposed to many o Doug’s political views.

by PW on Aug 5, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

I always thought Fred Thompson and Phil Fulmer were the same person.

by scudderfan on Aug 5, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

I thought it was funny, and it’s hard to not to involve politics somehow in this item.

In general, though, I agree with the EDSBS commenter who once noted that politics and football go together like dogshit and peach cobbler

by DevilGrad on Aug 5, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions

Come on, football and politics each give us practice cheering and worshiping one tribe over another. Both make you want to drink and involve lots of humorous debauchery among its players.

A lot fewer spooning pictures in politics though.

by Tim on Aug 5, 2009 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

Holtz and Politics is a match made in heaven(er hell) anyone with the ability to defy the laws of the NCAA and get away with it like Lou is destined for great things in politics. Dirty Coach + Lisppp = Corrupt Politician

by Mike Hart's Big Brother on Aug 5, 2009 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve quit reading Doug’s blog because of all the political crap he writes about and now I have to be subjected to it over here. His Sarah Palin neurosis really needs to be worked out of his brain by a professional.

by mykiesee on Aug 5, 2009 5:06 PM EDT reply actions

Doug, thanks for turning one of the greatest sports blogs into a Daily Kos/Huffington clone. As a fellow UGA alum, I quit reading your drivel, because of the politics. Stick to drunken toaster oven abuse. That was your epiphany.

by hlh on Aug 5, 2009 7:18 PM EDT reply actions