NAME IT TEBOW. FOR JESUS. FOR AMERICA.
by Orson on Jul 31, 2009 12:02 PM EDT
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PrintThere's a new baby rhino at the Tampa Zoo, and travesty already surrounds the process of naming it. Despite Tim Tebow's obvious similarities to the firefighter of the savanna and his previous title as the Golden Beautiful Baby Rhino of Florida Football (Now the Full-Fledged Man-Trampling Godbeast Rhino of Florida Football,) the Tampa Zoo at Lowry Park has chosen nothing close to our football Lord and Savior's name to glorify this beautiful animal with a moniker worthy of its blind rage and ability to bowl over other animals with ease.
There are other names, but they all suck massively.
Jaba (jeh-ba)"a flower or hibiscus" Or the Hutt. You don't want a fatty fatty, frog eating rhino on your hands, do you Tampa zoo? Something every thirtysomething or geek will point to and, in their worst Jabba the Hutt imitation say things like "Jabba no botha!" or other things making you want to toss them into the polar bear habitat.
Jahki (jaan-kee) "of the earth" Too close to "jankety," our favorite Southernism for "sketchy, fucked up, and ill-functioning." Certainly not the kind of thing you want to curse a young battering ram with, no?
Jama (jeh-ma) "daughter" Daughter. Too sexist. Why not just go with "kama", meaning "Thing." IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE TAMPA ZOO.
Janya (jahn-YAH) "born of the earth" As opposed to "born in the Dippin' Dots cooler by the monkey exhibit." Another statement of the obvious equal to "object" or "animal." As far as naming goes, it's like voting "present."
Jaya (JAY-ah) "victory or victorious" Tebow is in fact a synonym for this, and thus renders this redundant.
Tampa Zoo, add "Tebow" to the list or face the ignominy of having the spirit animal of the finest quarterback in the land wailing sad Rhino tears at not having the same name as his master. That noise you hear in the night? Plaintive wailing towards his keeper 130 or so miles to the north in Gainesville.
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Maybe they’ll name it Peter Bullware, amirite?
/know nothing about animals
by ChasingMizzou on Jul 31, 2009 12:19 PM EDT reply actions
What about Jacory?
I mean, it starts with J, and it’s also Florida related. And stuff.
by headsigh on Jul 31, 2009 12:20 PM EDT reply actions
We should start some sort of letter-writing campaign threatening their donors or something. Eh, that’d take a lot of work.
by scafidi on Jul 31, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
Mauaji, Destroyer of Foes (seen here: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/05/06/aggies-to-service-dog-um-get-service-dog-apologies/ ) eagerly awaits the christening of his playmate.
Honor to you, Tebo-noceros. You will be the Enkidu to my Gilgamesh.
by CincySooner on Jul 31, 2009 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
A baby rhino shall be born in Tampa and it shall be named…Barkevious
by Kevin@LSU on Jul 31, 2009 1:08 PM EDT reply actions
Why do all these names start with “J”? Is this thing a rhino or a got-dam tropical storm?
by buddy randolph on Jul 31, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
If Cleveland can get the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame we can make this happen.
by Tom Kazanski on Jul 31, 2009 1:33 PM EDT reply actions
“Why do all these names start with "J"? Is this thing a rhino or a got-dam tropical storm?”
Maybe it’s one of them Duggar kids?
by the ex-croominator on Jul 31, 2009 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
Or, since it’s from Tampa, has horns (or a horn? I’m no rhinologist) and is likely to stampede, name it Grothe.
by Mason Dixon on Jul 31, 2009 6:41 PM EDT reply actions
If they name it Tebow, USF will bring the shitstorm, unofficially if not officially.
Barkevious is better. Of course, Buttfuck McGee should win, but that will never happen. Stupid decorum.
by JD on Jul 31, 2009 7:04 PM EDT reply actions
From what I heard, the zoo is getting very close to naming one of their animals Tim.
It’s a pangolin, but still.
by headsigh on Jul 31, 2009 7:14 PM EDT reply actions
Wouldn’t Terrance be a bit more size appropriate? I mean, Tebow’s fine till he grows up, but shouldn’t he be named for a real rhino?
by BamaTaxMan on Aug 1, 2009 12:22 AM EDT reply actions
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