There’s a new baby rhino at the Tampa Zoo, and travesty already surrounds the process of naming it. Despite Tim Tebow’s obvious similarities to the firefighter of the savanna and his previous title as the Golden Beautiful Baby Rhino of Florida Football (Now the Full-Fledged Man-Trampling Godbeast Rhino of Florida Football,) the Tampa Zoo at Lowry Park has chosen nothing close to our football Lord and Savior’s name to glorify this beautiful animal with a moniker worthy of its blind rage and ability to bowl over other animals with ease.

There are other names, but they all suck massively.

Jaba (jeh-ba)“a flower or hibiscus” Or the Hutt. You don’t want a fatty fatty, frog eating rhino on your hands, do you Tampa zoo? Something every thirtysomething or geek will point to and, in their worst Jabba the Hutt imitation say things like “Jabba no botha!” or other things making you want to toss them into the polar bear habitat.

Jahki (jaan-kee) “of the earth” Too close to “jankety,” our favorite Southernism for “sketchy, fucked up, and ill-functioning.” Certainly not the kind of thing you want to curse a young battering ram with, no?

Jama (jeh-ma) “daughter” Daughter. Too sexist. Why not just go with “kama”, meaning “Thing.” IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN CARE TAMPA ZOO.

Janya (jahn-YAH) “born of the earth” As opposed to “born in the Dippin’ Dots cooler by the monkey exhibit.” Another statement of the obvious equal to “object” or “animal.” As far as naming goes, it’s like voting “present.”

Jaya (JAY-ah) “victory or victorious” Tebow is in fact a synonym for this, and thus renders this redundant.

Tampa Zoo, add “Tebow” to the list or face the ignominy of having the spirit animal of the finest quarterback in the land wailing sad Rhino tears at not having the same name as his master. That noise you hear in the night? Plaintive wailing towards his keeper 130 or so miles to the north in Gainesville.