CURIOUS INDEX, 7/31/2009

Nothing really matters/Anyone can see. Had we but world enough, and time, and slightly more time between the third and fourth quarter, we would suggest Michigan just play "Bohemian Rhapsody" between the third and fourth quarters, and buy a gong to finish the song off correctly. (As a crowd singalong, it's unparalleled, as the Flaming Lips demonstrate in their live shows.) Since time doesn't really leave that as an option, we therefore recommend something participatory. At the very least, make someone hold up four fingers as the band strips the paint off the grass of the endzone:

That's FSU's 4th quarter fanfare, a kind of pocket-sized Mahler movement that, when heard live, will make you rip off your shirt, grab an axe, and scream "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE" no matter what the score is. Florida State has like three thousand people in their band, so it's kind of like standing in front of a particularly melodious jet engine when it goes off. The effect isn't dampened when you're beating them, either. Instead, it's the final middle finger raised on the field of battle despite being heavily outnumbered and staring down the barrel of a cannon holding only a knife between your teeth. We hate Florida State with the intensity of eight furnaces in hell, but the 4th quarter fanfare transcends even grand hate like this.

Subtraction by addition. Auburn has six actual throwing, moving, and breathing quarterbacks in camp, including Neil Caudle, who by his own estimates has thrown 4,000 passes since the summer started. The old saying is that if you have two quarterbacks, then you don't have one, and if you have three, then you don't have a half of a quarterback, and if you have six, you'll need advanced math beyond our powers with greek letters and shit in it.

The Mouth of the South is much better. The Lane Kiffin South Florida billboard is underwhelming, but it does feature a typically doofus-y picture of Kiffin, and will look far better once it's riddled with bullet holes from passersby discharging various armaments into it. You'd think this would be just Florida fans, but this being South Florida, it really could just be random gunfire.

Nope. Nothing to see here. Not what our nightmares are made of. Nope. Not at all. Certainly not in numbered boldfaced points.

This: was probably inevitable.

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