Scene: The post Big Ten Media Day dinner at Gibson’s Steakhouse in Chicago. Rich Rodriguez is dining at a table with several Michigan types. Jamie Foxx sits down at the table next to Rich Rodriguez.

RR: Hey! Weren’t you in Booty Call?

JF: Among other things, yeah, man.

RR: I remember that. You put a rubber glove on your stuff instead of a condom. That was GREAT.

JF: Thank you. What do you do?

RR: Well, I coach football. At the University of Michigan. But we had a pretty bad year last year.

RR looks hurt. He trails off.

JF: Hey, now. Let’s turn that frown upside down. You can talk about it.

RR: Naw, it’s…it’s difficult for me. It was so painful.

JF: It can’t be that bad, man.

RR: (pauses) We lost to Toledo.

JF: Oh, now, I didn’t know it was like that. You’re gonna have to sing that one out.

RR: I’m sorry?

JF: It’s the only way you’ll feel better about it. I’ll drop the beat for you, and you can just sing it. You heard my hit song, “Blame it on the Alcohol?”

RR: Have I? You bet. Gary Moeller loves that jam.

JF: Well, I just lay the track down like this…

RR: Really, I don’t know if I could…

Sultry drum machine kicks in. Rich Rod pulls an autotuned mike from his pocket.

RR: Blame it on the backs
Small and full-a lack

Blame it on the line
Fat and lackin’ spine

Blame it on the per-per-per-per-per-personnel
Blame it on the per-per, per-per-per, per-per-per-per-per-per–

You say you usually don’t
Or that you usually won’t
But you’re just frontin, cause last year lost to a team straight from the MAC…

I ain’t saying we ain’t goin’ to
With One freshman qb and maybe two
But it could happen ’cause we’re still slow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow

I know what you’re thinkin’
Michigan be stinkin’
Every single weekend
Freakin’
Out on the message boards sayin’ I’m in trouble
Ain’t all my fault if my screens are all bubbles

Lose to Notre Dame–what?
Coach that got a gunt-what?
You don’t even care now
I was unaware now just
How thin this roster was before I bailed on Morgantowwwwwn…

Blame it on the guards
Blame it on the tackles
Blame it on protection best described as ramshackle

Blame it on the per-per-per-per-per-personnel
Blame it on the per-per-per-per-per-personnel

Blame it on Navarre
Blame it on the Henne
Blame it on the qb who run a six-fiddy

Blame it on the per-per-per-per-per-personnel
Blame it on the per-per, per-per-per, per-per-per-per-per-per–

Music stops.

JF: Man, that was impressive. Have you been practicing that?

RR: Oh, only for about a year and a half now.