The same company must have been able to sell multiple schools on the same idea in a single offseason without alerting the other, since Arizona State University, Boston College, and now Colorado have all used the same interactive marketing app where you enter your name, phone number, and then get a virtual tour through the football offices where your name gets plastered onto welcome boards, a letter, and then the endzone.

And good for them: they managed to sell the same undoubtedly expensive product to three programs without altering the basic framework a lot, i.e. “having to do a lot of work.” The Colorado variation at least has two wrinkles in your name appearing on Ralphie’s blanket, and in Coach Dan Hawkins making what is by far the most JACKED AND ENTHUSED call to your phone. Making his third recruiting trip of the summer, Buttfuck McGee was impressed by the luxe facilities at CU, the array of impressive alumni appearing in the video (Hey! Joel Klatt! How many fingers am I holding up?), and the cameo by Bill McCartney. No, don’t be offended by the name. It’s pronounced “Philip,” a confusion created by the spelling in the original Icelandic.

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Hawkins, by the way, just suffered a bout with kidney stones so tenacious they required surgery. Naturally, he refers to this episode as “a gift.” That’s usually the way we think about episodes involving tiny, barbed mineral deposits engaged in a slow, excruciating tumble through our urinary tract. Heck, that’s like Christmas, actually! A Christmas where blood comes out of your pee-pee and you put Dilaudid in your eggnog every ten minutes to keep from dying from the pain.