CURIOUS INDEX, 7/27/09

by Orson on Jul 27, 2009 8:25 AM EDT

Greg Boone's head is harder than yours. The Wildcat will be standard equipment in all collegiate playbooks in one form or another, be it the sanctified WildRebel at Ole Miss, or in whatever Alabama will call the package they work Starr Jackson out of (The Flying Dubose?), or in Florida's numerous single-wingy variants by formation, the WildRebelCatHawg will be as ubiquitous as goal line packages this fall.

Only Virginia Tech's will be called the "Wild Turkey," though, and have a 6' 3", 287 tight end under center. That is Greg Boone, who once told a story about scrambled eggs to a player from Duke.

The eggs being his head, and the scrambling being done by Boone's head, of course. Boone may have suffered some adverse effects from this, though. When asked about whether Virginia Tech could carry the ACC flag of battle into the fray more successfully than Clemson 2008 did, the answer was, "Does Frank Beamer look like he's infected with Tommy Bowden got a bitch mentality?" We're sorry. He did not say that. He actually said this:

"We have been that team," Boone said, "we just didn't win the games we should have."

Meaning you weren't, but don't stop him. He's on a roll.

This story comes courtesy of Mandalsyay quarterbacks, dress code equals mandals, and Georgia Tech's offense is nebulously stoppable. No great shocks or hubbub save the intriguing news of an LSU/UNC opener for the 2010 Holy Shit Chik-Fil-A Is Tasty Kickoff Classic With Polynesian Sauce Game.

(Oh, and UNC's quarterback walks around campus without being recognized. Contrast: being harassed at the gym 13 years after you left your SEC school.)

ALL AVAILABLE ON THE BIG TEN NETWORK! The Big Ten will broadcast its proceedings today live from Chicago, and try to hype it by broadcasting the entire thing on the Big Ten Network. The SEC streamed the whole thing live, so certainly the Big Ten Network would do the same thing WE ARE SORRY CALL COMCAST AND DEMAND THE BIG TEN NETWORK. Or not. Storylines include [NAME REDACTED] speaking rapidly, Joe Paterno whaddya whaddya-ing, promised Tweetage, and other storylines of varying interest. (For instance, here's our favorite summary of Purdue's possible season: "Purdue?" [/raises eyebrow] Thus concludes EDSBS's Purdue coverage for 2009.)

Has he tried Terrance Cody's back? Tebow seeks larger platform for Christ, but why bother when you've lost the all-important Pearlman vote? (Via the necessary and necessarily short-lived Tim Teblog.

Pearlman, in short, finds Tebow's evangelizing creepy and the value of mission work suspect, something we half-agree with from experience: they're not all created equal, and some of them do truly shoddy work overseas. (Necessary logical inclusive: some do great work/some secular agencies do crap work/reality is complex and requires diagrams.) No idea where the Tebow ministry falls in the spectrum, but if it takes investigative reporting, a savvy eye, research, and a trip to the Philippines to accomplish this, then we're safe from ever knowing, because it ain't happening if the sportswriting general public are on the case. Reporters are driving to games rather than flying; a plane trip to Luzon ain't happening.

Hayden Fry, Dada Fisherman. The former Iowa coach might have really, really sucked at fishing. If he wore the white slacks while falling out of said canoe, though, then all is forgiven. Iowa's current fishing illiterate of a coach, Kirk Ferentz, gave a lengthy interview with Marc Morehouse, and officially gave you permission to hit him with a baseball bat.

You never say never, but if you see me with a Twitter account, just hit me with a baseball bat. Go ahead, take a whack at me.

He goes on to say that it's the most useless invention in the history of the universe, a patently false statement as the most useless or awesome invention ever depending on your perspective was "Balloon Propelled By Eagles OR Vultures, Patent Number 86307, Issued 1887."

We howlin' and shit. Someone not only cares about Arkansas State football; no, someone cares deeply enough to mock its promotional video. "I'm warning you, ma'am. This note contains...language."

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Comments

You know, bashing ASU when ya’ll at that “other” school across the state don’t have the sac to play in-state opponents is both funny and kinda sad. Get back to us whenever ya’ll grow a pair.

by Running Joe Rides Again on Jul 27, 2009 8:46 AM EDT reply actions

I think Pearlman has a case of the Mondays. Anyway, I am a missionary and am perplexed at his diatribe. Well, not “perplexed”, because I’ve heard his complaints from others before, misguided as they are.

Orson, you are correct in your assessment of some organizations: some good, some not so good. I’m tempted to address Pearlman’s issues, but I don’t think this is the place for it.

by Grady on Jul 27, 2009 8:50 AM EDT reply actions

I like how Kam Chancellor knows who is going to get the ball in the option even before Nesbitt does. The ability
to see into the future explains the success of Beamer’s defenses.

by gtne91 on Jul 27, 2009 9:02 AM EDT reply actions

“It goes without saying that Tim Tebow … believes that contraception is wrong”

Like #2 I should probably avoid commenting on Pearlman’s hack piece, but this particular bit bugged me. I dont care enough to know what denomination Tebow is (if he even is one) but Im assuming he isnt Catholic. Different protestant denominations have varying beliefs about contraception, enough so, that no beliefs about it “go without saying”.

by gtne91 on Jul 27, 2009 9:11 AM EDT reply actions

Grady—you deserve some kind of Palme d’Or for commenting. Merci.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 27, 2009 9:31 AM EDT reply actions

Religion is retarded. When’s football start?

by Brizzle on Jul 27, 2009 9:32 AM EDT reply actions

Brizzle—

Football IS religion. And now we make this face:

by Orson Swindle on Jul 27, 2009 9:46 AM EDT up reply actions

(Hackneyed Top 10) “Wild” Package Names:

10: Kansas State: The Stroke Special
9. Oklahoma State: The Wild 42
8. Pittsburgh: The Coherent Series
7. Ohio State: The Wild, Just Hold on a Minute, Let’s not Get Carried Away Here
6. Tennessee: The Wild Berry ACL Tear
5. Florida State: The Disappointed Jimbo
4. Maryland: The Split Schizo
3. Notre Dame: The Martin Luther
2. Kansas: Hang On, I Dropped the Play Chart and It’s Somewhere Around My Feet. Can You See It?
1. Michigan: The Wild WTF? Part 2

by Counter Trap on Jul 27, 2009 9:49 AM EDT reply actions

Pearlman’s just jealous of Tebow’s magic anti-sex powers…

by King Cockfight on Jul 27, 2009 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

Great list Counter Trap!

Especially fond of #6. Not that I wish injury upon anyone, but this is exactly why Urban looks at Joe Haden like he’s bat-shit crazy every time he asks to play offense.

by The Bull Gator on Jul 27, 2009 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

nice job CounterTrap…

I especially liked 8. Pittsburgh: The Coherent Series .

That would be pretty eff’in wild for them.

by CincySooner on Jul 27, 2009 10:49 AM EDT reply actions

While many of those inventions are useless, all are spectacular. Further, I think any patent filed during the era occupying the nerdy daydreams of Steampunks should get a pass. Jules Verne et al. filled the public’s heads with wondrously worthless gadgets and gewgaws and besides, what else would you dream up after an eighteen hour workday either in a field somewhere or a cramped closet, going home with eleven cents and a half-pound of coal dust in your lungs?

That being said, while I could do without the double vision or numbness in my fingers and toes, scrambled eggs would really hit the spot right now.

by buddy randolph on Jul 27, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t know if I’d deputize thousands of potential bat swinging enforcers over it (especially if my livelihood depended on staying in touch with high schoolers), but I have yet to see the value in Twitter.

What’s with the show trials and loyalty oaths at the SEC? Steve Spurrier, the guy who voted Duke into the pre-season polls for years, publicly apologized for ACCIDENTALLY (please Commissioner Beria, it was a mistake) not voting for Tebow!?! Mark Dantonio says he’s pleased with the discipline.

by OhioDawg on Jul 27, 2009 11:24 AM EDT reply actions

EVERY DAY I’M HUST-EL-ING! EVERY DAY I’M HUST-EL-ING! EVERY DAY I’M HUST-EL-ING! EVERY DAY I’M HUST-EL-ING!

Definitely should have checked that YouTube clip to make sure the volume wasn’t all the way up before hitting play.

by JD on Jul 27, 2009 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

So, what do you think of the story from this past Florida’s recruiting camp “Friday Night Lights” where a Miami commitment paid his $35.00 fee(he wasnt invited) and then kept throwing up the symbol “Da U”, not once, but twice. The first time, one coach told him that wasnt too smart, and the second time, Urbs tossed him outta the camp.
The kids reply of why he would try something like this:
“I just wanted to show Florida how Miami do!”
Why he is still conscious, I dont know. IF an Auburn recruit tried to pull that stunt at Bama, it would end badly for him.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jul 27, 2009 11:40 AM EDT reply actions

Oops here is the link:
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/sports/orl-cane-at-gators-camp-072509,0,1310795.story

They are raising geniuses in Miami there, I tell you.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jul 27, 2009 11:45 AM EDT reply actions

"I just wanted to show Florida how Miami do!"

This should, of course, be a running feature during the 2009 season, Orson.

by Counter Trap on Jul 27, 2009 11:51 AM EDT reply actions

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnneee.

I love that sound when he runs the ball in Blacksburg.

by MPHOKIE on Jul 27, 2009 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

That pic of Orson and DW makes me think “MUSCLE MILK!!!!”

by etsuVol on Jul 27, 2009 1:02 PM EDT reply actions

Today marks the first day that I want a vulture-powered balloon.

That patent is public domain now. When it’s assembled I will charge irritated alumni to fly it over college games where coaches are on the hot seat. Of course, I’ll need to trademark some brand name first …

by Wozzo the Wonder Dog on Jul 27, 2009 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

I would like someone to ask Jim Tressel what it feels like to be the big dog in the most overrated conference in college football. He must feel like that kid in fourth grade that got held back twice.

by GTSteve on Jul 27, 2009 4:42 PM EDT reply actions

The Big 10 gets way more crap, abuse, and ridicule than any other BCS conference, so they can hardly be the most overrated.

The difference between the public perception of the Big 10 and the SEC is at least partly due to the fact that the SEC crosses paths with USC much less often.

by oc phil on Jul 27, 2009 4:58 PM EDT reply actions

@#3: I’m totally stealing that for my website.

by asim on Jul 27, 2009 9:37 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, VT and UNC have claimed to “figure out” an opponents offense.

Film at 11.

by Techie on Jul 27, 2009 11:57 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe Pearlman needs to see the movie Airplane:

Flight Attendant: “Would you like something to read?”
Oldlady: “Do you have anything light?”
Flight Attendant: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… how about this leaflet, famous Jewish sports legends?”

by sevenDs on Jul 28, 2009 9:47 AM EDT reply actions