Things that TOTALLY happened in the first fifteen minutes of SEC Media Days.

–Bobby Petrino glamoured a reporter into asking him to recite all fifty capitals of the United States, because he’s still totally proud he can do that on command.

–Clay Travis got into a fistfight with an enraged Paul Finebaum, and was choked out in a matter of seconds by the Birmingham Battler, who then penned a column that every SEC coach would simply sit in silence for 30 minutes at the podium because they were SKURRED OF WHUT NICK SAYBAN GONE THANK.

–Rich Brooks enjoyed a fine scotch, looked to the east, and remembered the smell of jasmine in the air, the sultry air of Luzon on his flesh, and the eyes of Maria, the one he could never possess. A single tear streamed down his cheek, and on his lips a single, almost inaudible word: “Bullshit.” We saw this in person, we swear.

–Pat Forde walked by and smelled of money, hearty midwestern values, and well-aged beef.

–We acquired an itchy lanyard!

We swear at least one of these ACTUALLY HAPPENED. More is happening over at TSB and on Twitter, so strap in and enjoy the stream of non-news news. How crazy is it, you ask? We requested a peephole enabled room, that’s how crazy we are. You’ll all find out about handy 220 volt plug located on our inner thigh, an amenity we had way before the Pontiac Vibe bit our style.