LANE KIFFIN'S JUNIOR G-MEN CLUB

by Holly Anderson on Jul 14, 2009 12:09 PM EDT

YellaWood and Golden Flake present
an EDSBS/Hey Jenny Slater co-production

SCENE: A muggy midsummer day in an expansive backyard in a Knoxville suburb. Five young men occupy a treehouse high in the branches of a stately oak: Tennessee head coach LANE KIFFIN, assistant coaches ED ORGERON, EDDIE GRAN and LANCE THOMPSON, and strength and conditioning coach AARON AUSMUS. KIFFIN bangs a mallet on a wooden box.

KIFFIN: This meeting of our super-secret club will now come to order! Gentlemen, I have called you all here because you are my best friends and the perfect people to become charter members of the most secret club in all of Tennessee. You can’t tell anyone about our clubhouse or about this meeting, understood?

ORGERON: WHEDDUHSNAXXAT? AHWONSUMMOHTATTACHIPS!

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: I think he said he wants some more potato chips.

KIFFIN: Dangit, Ed, you just ate the entire can of Pringles! If I want more, I’m gonna have to go all the way down and sneak some out of the kitchen, and my dad’s down there! Now, the first order of business is to decide what kind of club this is gonna be, and I’ve got an idea that I think is really —

AUSMUS: The superhero justice league!

KIFFIN: No, Aaron, that’s stupid —

THOMPSON: Pirates!

GRAN: Mike Leach already took pirates.

ORGERON: WAMPRATUNNAJUNGAFATTINFOWAHHSS!

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: Swamp rat, jungle — OK, I have no idea.

KIFFIN: No, no, guys, I already have an idea! We’ll be the "Super-Secret Junior G-Men Club."

GRAN: Uh . . . what’s a G-man?

KIFFIN: Like a FBI agent. They fight crime and catch bank robbers.

AUSMUS: Oooh, let’s be bank robbers!

KIFFIN: No, Aaron, I just said we’re gonna be G-men!

AUSMUS: Why? I don’t want to be a G-man.

KIFFIN: But I already got all these decoder rings! I had to eat five boxes of Raisin Bran to get these! All right, time to vote: Who votes that we become the Super-Secret Junior G-Men Club?

KIFFIN’s hand shoots up, and ORGERON’s and THOMPSON’s follow.

KIFFIN: That’s three votes! So it’s settled — we’re the Super-Secret Junior G-Men Club, and our mission is to foil the plans of evildoers. Now we need to decide on officers. Since this club was my idea, I think I should get to be president. And as president, I appoint Ed my vice-president, since he’s my muscle and my right-hand man.

ORGERON: YEEEAHHHH! AHMMAVAHPREZNENT!

GRAN: What do I get to be?

KIFFIN: You can be the treasurer and handle all the money.

THOMPSON: I want to be prime minister!

KIFFIN: We can’t have a prime minister and a president.

THOMPSON: Russia has a prime minister and a president!

KIFFIN: We’re not Russia. We need someone to take down the minutes of our meetings — you can be the secretary.

THOMPSON: Secretary? That’s a girl’s job!

KIFFIN: But this club is no girls allowed.

THOMPSON: So what, I don’t want to be secretary! I didn’t even have to come here in the first place, you know — I could be hanging out over at Nick Saban’s house right now. He has a Wii.

KIFFIN: All right, all right — I’ll be the prime minister, since that one’s more powerful, Ed will be my, uh, vice-prime minister, and you can be the president.

ORGERON: YEEEAHHHH! AHMMAVAHPRAHMINNISTUH!

KIFFIN: And Aaron, you can be the secretary.

AUSMUS: Why do I have to be the secretary?

KIFFIN: Because we need one and there’s no one left! Now that all that’s decided, we need to recruit more members. Ed, you take the neighborhood around the lake, Eddie, you take the mall . . .

AUSMUS: And then we go foil the plans of evildoers, right?

KIFFIN: No, once we have about a dozen members, then we have a big club meeting with all the new members, and we’ll talk about how to recruit even more people.

AUSMUS: Um, are we ever gonna do anything besides recruiting?

KIFFIN: Do you want this to be the biggest secret club in town, or not?

THOMPSON: Besides, recruiting is more fun, retard!

AUSMUS: If all we’re gonna do is go out and recruit more members, I don’t know if I even wanna be in this stupid club!

KIFFIN: Then guess what, you’re no longer a member! You're banished from this clubhouse!

AUSMUS: FINE! Maybe I’ll go back and re-join Steve Spurrier’s club! HE has a national-title ring!

AUSMUS storms out the door and climbs down the rope ladder to the ground, and stomps off in a huff.

ORGERON: YAKNOWWHAAA, WEGON’ HAFTACOMMUPWIFF SUMMFORAHH NEWMEMMUZTADDOO. MEBBEWEHSHUDDOOO SUMMASIDES RAKROOTIN’.

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: Think he said we’re gonna need something for our new members to do, so maybe we should do something besides recruiting.

ORGERON: YEEAHHHH! SUMMASIDES RAKROOTIN’!

KIFFIN: Yeah, I guess we’re going to have to launch our mission against Urban Meyer eventually.

THOMPSON: You mean like . . . fight him?

Long pause. KIFFIN looks uncomfortable.

KIFFIN: No, we can’t actually fight him until we’ve recruited more members. Let’s . . . leave a mean note in his mailbox!

ORGERON: YEEEAHHHH!

KIFFIN: Eddie, since our secretary has been banished from the club, I’m appointing you temporary secretary. Write this down: "Dear Urban Meyer . . . you, uh, don’t know who we are, but we are your worst enemy, and . . . uh . . . we’re going to sing ‘Rocky Top’ all night long after we defeat your club! And we will have a BLAST! Signed, Lane Kiffin’s Super-Secret Junior G-Men Club."

GRAN: Wait, should we put it in code with our decoder rings?

THOMPSON: Yeah! Put it in code! Then he’ll be even MORE confused!

KIFFIN: Uh . . . guys, I don’t actually have the decoder rings yet. It said they take six to eight weeks for delivery.

THOMPSON: . . . Oh.

GRAN: Should we put it in his mailbox anyway?

KIFFIN: No, no, let’s wait until we have the rings. For right now, let’s just concentrate on new members. Who else do we know that we can recruit? . . .

The treehouse begins to shake ever so slightly, and presently the wizened face of Lane’s dad, MONTE KIFFIN, appears in the doorway.

MONTE: Goddammit, Lane, are you still up here?

KIFFIN: Jeez, dad, we’re trying to have a secret meeting here! We’ve got all these new members of our secret club to recruit!

MONTE: You know what you should try? Recruiting some answers to your homework.

KIFFIN: Dad, I said I’d do it later! God!!

MONTE: Or how about that playbook project you were working on for school? I told you I’d help you out with the defensive part, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do the whole thing for you by myself. You gonna get to that or what?

KIFFIN: As soon as we finish with our meeting!

MONTE: (sighs) Fine. You’ve got five minutes.

KIFFIN: Ten minutes!

MONTE: Five minutes, young man, and don’t make me come up here again, ‘cause next time I’ll be comin’ with my belt.

KIFFIN: Fine! Five minutes! Just leave us alone so we can make our list of new members!

MONTE: Fine. And maybe while you’re at it you can make a list of places where that can of Pringles might’ve gotten off to.

MONTE, grumbling, clambers back down the rope ladder.

KIFFIN: God, my dad is so embarrassing.

ORGERON: AY, DIDDNYOOSAY YODADDYADDA BUNCHAPLAYBOWAHS INNAHWUHKSHOP?

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: Something about Lane’s dad having a bunch of Playboys in his workshop.

KIFFIN: NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!

FIN

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Comments

They better get outta that tree before the Chinese Spitoon hits em. Or get the New Monia.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 14, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

I need to adjust my fee schedule.

by Ed Orgeron's Speech Therapist on Jul 14, 2009 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

I can tell I lived in Baton Rouge too long when I completely understood Orgeron on the first read everytime.

by JIMatUA on Jul 14, 2009 1:02 PM EDT reply actions

first of all – not funny

secondly – your obsession with Kiffin is rather tiresome. Go pick on something else.

EDSBS is becoming shittier day by day.

by moreNCsarecoming on Jul 14, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions

“first of all – not funny

secondly – your obsession with Kiffin is rather tiresome. Go pick on something else. "

Lane, didn’t I tell you to get your ass over there and do your homework and get off the damn computer!

by MonteKiffin on Jul 14, 2009 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

Well, that tears it. If anyone needs me I’ll be crying in my fat pants and blogging about how those Cathy comics REALLY GET ME in a way nobody else will ever understand.

by Holly on Jul 14, 2009 1:38 PM EDT reply actions

What the hell is “Evony” and why am I licking ole’ Guinevere’s cleavage on the screen???

BTW, it was funny…..and Lane Kiffin will always provide this kind of fodder. The SEC has its share of buffoons, but none that are so cocky about their buffoonery……please proceed Orson….

by Stan Gable on Jul 14, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

@moreNCsarecoming:
And a good afternoon to you, Mr. Crompton!

by Ed Orgeron's Speech Therapist on Jul 14, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

Am I the only person getting bombarded with the Sporting News article on the top 5 coaches?

http://today.sportingnews.com/sportingnewstoday/20090714/?pg=25&pm=1&u1=friend&sub_id=iWvoINbdQWNZ

I’m not his biggest fan, but it’s hard to argue against Tressel.

by OhioDawg on Jul 14, 2009 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

An A for effort, and all that. I am not sure as to why that took two people to come up with the writing, but I am not that creative so I probably would not understand. It had its moments. Curious Indexes were certainly solid on Monday and Tuesday. Slayer sign was clever.

Now, when is O coming back?

by Coop on Jul 14, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

#4-

Give him a break…it’s the offseason. Joel at RTT runs a site which will not be so hard on your delicate sensibilities. Maybe you should go over there.

by Vol on Jul 14, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

Oh wait Holly wrote it. Well certainly give HER a break.

by Vol on Jul 14, 2009 2:11 PM EDT reply actions

I would be more inclined to take #4 a mite more seriously were he/she not in the habit of signing in under at least three separate login names from the same computer in order to better act the fool, but maybe I’m old-fashioned like that.

by Holly on Jul 14, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

Y’all pay that much attention??

by Vol on Jul 14, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Not much to it, really. One click = entire comment history. MMMMMPOWER BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAbut seriously, that’s just silly.

by Holly on Jul 14, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

Give Holly credit – she is, with excellent grace, coming to grips with a phenomenon so familiar to those of us in the West End – the “Jesus Alvarez we’ve just hired a complete buffoon as our head coach”.

Somewhere, Al Davis is cackling and drinking Stroh’s brand ichor from his Bicentennial chalice.

by Vandy J on Jul 14, 2009 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

What a hell of a few days this has been — got laid off on Friday, had another back
surgery today, and now, the coup de grace, an anonymous blog commenter who goes by “moreNCsarecoming” has decided that I’m not funny. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?? I SHOULD JUST CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIEeleven

by Doug on Jul 14, 2009 3:24 PM EDT reply actions

If Kiffin saw that, he would probably think it was funny. I sure do.

by Brian on Jul 14, 2009 3:39 PM EDT reply actions

I thought it was pretty funny, and putting Kiffykin’s smug little head on what looks like Spanky’s body is perfect.. I hope LSUfreek does a series of them. I imagine the role of Butch will be filled by Urban, except in this scenario, the plucky little tyke stands up to the bully and devises a clever scheme to outsmart him only to have his face beaten to a bloody pulp (in front of Darla, no less).

by ben hill gryphon on Jul 14, 2009 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

@ 17

While I am sorry to read the above, I am confident you will take comfort in the following:

1) you probably have some killer narcotics that go quite nicely with alcohol
2) the other day you disclosed that you are currently seeing other people in their birthday suit

So, you know, chin up.

by Coop on Jul 14, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

it’s cool holly, thanks for representing the female demographic. you can definitely tell that moreNCsarecoming is just overly sensitive of the kiffikins graphic. he was probably flashing back to his childhood when he was made fun of for toting hello kitty products. “go pick on something else”

by hollyrocks on Jul 14, 2009 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

I’ll admit that it will be ALOT more fun to laugh at Kiffykins after 9/19 but until then, this is pretty damn funny. (Especially the part about decoder rings).

by hobeg8r on Jul 14, 2009 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

Uh, yeah, that’s not funny. And Aaron Ausmus doesn’t even know Steve Spurrier. That was Mark Smith.

Nice research.

by AnotherVolFan on Jul 14, 2009 5:10 PM EDT reply actions

Al Davis perhaps isn’t quite the senile old coot we thought he was.

I’ll never forget the arrogance-infused Holly shedding all her natural pessimism and calling up EDSBS Live, telling Swindle and PB that the Vols would beat Florida in 2009. Good times.

by John on Jul 14, 2009 5:16 PM EDT reply actions

Oddly enough, moreNCs is actually a USC fan.

by AERose on Jul 14, 2009 5:22 PM EDT reply actions

That arrogance is blood-borne, son. Nature, not nurture. It also enables me to brag that Tennessee will somehow go 20-0 this season, by a margin of one godzillion points per game. (I have a promise to keep.)

by Holly on Jul 14, 2009 5:24 PM EDT reply actions