FULMER CUPDATE: NO MANNER OF LUCK AT ALL

Those grim, resigned doctors you see in the movies treating mobsters' wounds in backroom bars and abandoned meat lockers? They're apparently in short supply in Jonesboro, where Arkansas State's Paul Stephens had a bad, bad night:

A starting cornerback for the Arkansas State football team is in police custody, recovering from a gunshot wound to his midsection after a man said he shot an intruder trying to break into an apartment.
[...]
Red Wolves coach Steve Roberts issued a statement through Scott.

"I am aware of the situation involving Paul Stephens and continue to gather information surrounding the events that occurred this weekend," Roberts said. "As we get more information, we will take appropriate action. We wish Paul good health and a speedy recovery from his injury."

"Injury" doesn't really seem to cover it, does it? "Injury" implies some degree of accident, although we suppose it's appropriate insofar as Stephens didn't mean to get himself shot during an attempted burglary. "A speedy recovery from his larceny." There.

Because we sense there will be bonuses in the offing for sheer dumbassedness, points will be assessed upon the return of the Dear Leader.