TOP TWELVE SEC QUARTERBACKS IN A FIGHT

by Orson on Jul 8, 2009 12:00 PM EDT

The title of this post is meant to be humorous: of all the positions you want behind you in a fight, quarterback is the last of them. They're valuable, they're often man-pretty, and they've spent so much of their playing lives being protected that they not only don't like being hit but more often than not throw punches with the effectiveness of an enraged Brian Sutherland. It should also be noted that this entire competition would be bullshit if Freddie Kitchens were around, because that man could displace force like no one could:

Left with the sad crop of mortals we have, here are the SEC's quarterbacks ranked by their ability to perform well in a barfight.

12. Jonathan Crompton, Tennessee. Too slow to even compete here. What kind of slow? That kind, really. Which kind, you ask again? Oh, take the whole spice rack of whatever slow means to you. It's all there.

11. Tim Tebow. Too pacifist by far, though he can certainly take punishment. Also, though you'd think bolts of divine lightning would probably level everyone arrayed against him, you'd be surprised at how far out on a limb the Lord will leave you no matter how much he loves you. Best to avoid getting caught in a gory Biblical plotline and pick someone else for a wingman in case a Kentucky Hailstorm breaks out one boozy night. Also: probability of Tebow being in a bar, much less one your ass is sitting in? Low.

10. Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. The good news: he will at least be comfortable in a bar.

The bad news: he's a big slow former Michigan qb once described as "a brain-damaged heron," so a solid kick to the nuts could send him scurrying fast. Or threaten him with a transition to a running spread offense. That could do it, too.

9. Mike Hartline, Kentucky. A Kentucky quarterback, so automatically granted three spots due to surgically reinforced ribs required to play the position. A one trick pony fightwise, though: avoid the 6'6"ers haymakers, and pretty soon you're whipping him around the place like a fun noodle at a pool party.

8. Jordan Jefferson, LSU. From Louisiana, so at least you know he's an experienced bar fighter. (It's taught in lieu of Civics as part of state curriculum.) Still a bit inexperienced, but elusive, and at 6'4" definitely possesses the reach needed to keep opponents at bay. Also has the number of Herman Johnson in his phone, and if he gets to it quickly enough, The Biggest Baby Ever Born In Louisiana will just come there and stare at everyone until they get frightened enough to act right.

7. Greg McElroy, Alabama. Still a relatively unknown quantity, but at least he's been training.

John Parker Wilson punched that same machine, and it failed to register anything, preferring instead to sprout roses and cooing noises. We quote: "DAMN THESE BEAUTIFUL BANGS OF MINE!!!!"--John Parker Wilson, every day of his life.

6. Larry Smith, Vanderbilt. Another selection based on his ability to take punishment as the quarterback behind an offensive line with an occasionally gracious style of blocking. He's also named "Larry," and it's surprising how many guys named "Larry" from the South fight like pissed-off Huns when cornered.

5. Steven Garcia, South Carolina. Garcia is huge, and thus capable of imparting great force behind his punches and kicks. He has no idea where they're going to do problems with accuracy, but that's why he's at five and not higher. Also prone to dropping things he's supposed to hang onto, like footballs, or in a fight something like brass knuckles or a knife. Besides those things, he's a solid choice, and one of our bets to withstand a chair broken across his back with ease.

4. Tyson Lee, Mississippi State. We know little about him, but we'll take a flyer on him at four because if he's willing to step up and play behind that offensive line, he must be able to take at least a few solid haymakers without falling down and throwing up blood. (If he were still around, we'd take Michael Henig here, because he really did come as close as anyone we've seen to bleeding internally out his mouth as anyone we've ever seen play football without dying.)

3. Joe Cox, Georgia. You never see the Ginger Ninja coming, unless it's at night, when his red hair sticks out and his translucent skin practically luminesces, or during the day when he'll ask you for some sunscreen before attempting to kill you, because it's really bright out here and that's not good for me, so could you sit still while I throw this throwing star at you from the shade, m'kay?

2. Jevan Snead. There's a dash of danger to Snead, a quarterback capable of beating Florida on their own field while coughing up losses to Wake Forest and Vanderbilt. He's wily like a fox, meaning he can sneak eggs unbroken out of a chicken coop, but will also sometimes put his foot into a bear trap lit with floodlights and big signs written in fox-language reading "DON'T STICK YOUR PAW IN HERE." For fightin' purposes, this means he's all roundhouse, knocking out three opponents before falling for the "tap-on-the-shoulder, turn, and get punched by smiling opponent" move you see in old Elvis movies. Personally, he'd be our favorite pick, if only because he'd also be dashing enough to do the trick where you punch someone, take a swig of beer, duck, and then punch someone and finish the beer.

1. Kodi Burns/Neal Caudle, Auburn. Because you get two bodies in one fell swoop by taking the platoon, even if it is cheating. (Since when has anyone had a problem with "creative advantage seeking" in our fair conference.) Admittedly, neither has any proven ability to knock anyone out, but Burns is elusive, and if all else fails you can throw one of them at the opposition Mongo-style. Especially Cauldle, who is still young, lanky, and thin enough to hurl like a bolo in a pinch. Pulling him from around the neck of an incapacitated opponent will be like untangling a yo-yo, but the look on the guy's face will totally be worth it. A case where the two-headed beast at quarterback really could help you, if only to use as a distraction on your way out of town. (It worked for Tuberville!)

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Comments

In Crompton’s defense, it’s hard to fight when you’re that walleyed. (Also, he is bad at football.)

by Holly on Jul 8, 2009 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

Too bad the Texas didn’t join the SEC when they had the chance. I’d have loved to see where Colt fell on this list.

by Ruck'em Horns on Jul 8, 2009 12:21 PM EDT reply actions

granted, the slow Big 10 factor is in play here – but as he is a giant-sized quasi-Texan, I have to think Mallett deserves a higher ranking in the fight club here.

by Jerkwheat on Jul 8, 2009 12:27 PM EDT reply actions

Personally, I am astonished – ASTONISHED – that Mattie Stafford’s cuddly pass-out partner garnered #3. It must be a down year for SEC QBs.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jul 8, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

I think we ought to change it to Ginja Ninja, but that’s jmo. Wax on, wax off mother fathers!

by OnTap on Jul 8, 2009 12:38 PM EDT reply actions

For some reason, I keep picturing Tebow in a “Monty Python, Search for the Holy Grail” garb, with mace, sheild and so forth… “None shall pass”

“You’ve lost your arm”… “No I haven’t”, “What is that?” “This just a flesh wound… have at it”

by The Holy Grail on Jul 8, 2009 12:41 PM EDT reply actions

General, that wasn’t a cuddle, it was moving in for a rear naked choke.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 8, 2009 12:45 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve always found it odd that the one thing it’s okay to poke fun about Tebow is his faith in God. And it’s non-stop, and it’s from a Florida alumnus. Go figure.

by gurn on Jul 8, 2009 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

There are no sides! [/royaltenenbaum’d]

by Orson Swindle on Jul 8, 2009 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

Well, which would you rather have? I know from personal experience that having your faith made fun of is a lot better than having your knees broken with a baseball bat, which is what passes for laughs at Florida State. Christian Ponder isn’t running from the defense, that’s for sure.

by Headsigh on Jul 8, 2009 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

Headsigh: to be fair, we have to ask if you were dressed as a clown while this was happening. Because if so, that is by legal definitions funny. (Please don’t tell us this really happened to you.)

by Orson Swindle on Jul 8, 2009 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

Paging Mr. Lorenzen…

by Vol on Jul 8, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

Mallett had all the mobility of a lead coffee table.

by Maize n Brew Dave on Jul 8, 2009 1:20 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, I wish I knew, but one moment I was blacking out, the next I awoke tied upside down, and Bobby Bowden and Jimbo Fisher were naked and dancing around me screaming oogla-boogla fgsdfs or something like that.

It was a traumatizing moment. The image of what’s underneath Bowden’s straw hat is burned into my head forever.

I need time to grieve.

by Headsigh on Jul 8, 2009 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

@8
You find something else about the Tebow-child to make fun of, and we’ll join in. Til then he is a giant humanitarian, 2x National Champion, and Heisman winner. Good luck.

by Ruck'em Horns on Jul 8, 2009 1:57 PM EDT reply actions

Damn. Garcia only at #5? Still not living up to expectations, are ya, Steven?

by robert on Jul 8, 2009 1:57 PM EDT reply actions

Joe Cox = snuggable.

by Ramblin Dreck on Jul 8, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

Sexy Rexy has to be high on the All-Time list based solely on the unabashed agression he exploits while launching it downfield. See link infra:

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/11/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield.html

by Stuck In Texas on Jul 8, 2009 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

I’m still partial to “Ginger Avenger”. It makes me think that he’s bringing a mop to this barfight.

by dawg 05 on Jul 8, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

If this were a barfight involving the fathers of SEC quarterbacks, then Jaylon “Yosemite Sam incarnate” Snead wins by a very wide margin.

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Jul 8, 2009 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Mallett is 6’7 and got in a fight with Khiry Battle (strike 2 for him) in the weight room like a month ago…and he enjoys his booze…Top 5 definitely

by Chance on Jul 8, 2009 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

Quincy Carter would blow this competition away.

Key word here being “blow”

by Ramblin Dreck on Jul 8, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

In related news, in a bar somewhere Doug Johnson’s fist just got intercepted. Again.

by Ltrain on Jul 8, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions

Give me Rohan Davey for all time. Maybe a little bit too much laid back Jamaica in the name, but he was an absolute
mountain of a man. The kind who picks up an entire bar stool with one hand so that he can break it off to shiv
you with the splintered leg.

by Zook line and Sinker on Jul 8, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

Two words: Fat Dog.

Btw, who is shane matthews betting on in this fight, because I’m going the other way….

by Ramblin Dreck on Jul 8, 2009 3:39 PM EDT reply actions

Good thing they didn’t have this when I was in college. Might have messed up my fauxhawk and my gay European clothes.

by Jesse Palmer on Jul 8, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

I roundhoused that punching bag machine in Gallettes and only registered 240.

by Kecalf Bailey on Jul 8, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

I’d knock all these clows down

by Kenny Stabler's Breath on Jul 8, 2009 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t care who comes out of the SEC, we’d be happy to take a jagged beer bottle to the rib cage in the finals if y’all are down!

by Ohio State on Jul 8, 2009 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

Jesse Palmer in a bar fight? Never. Jesse Palmer in a Zoolanderesque walk-off? Absolutely.

by Mantastic on Jul 8, 2009 5:40 PM EDT reply actions

i have actually been in the same bar as tim tebow. at least 5 times. no lie.

by orlando cano on Jul 8, 2009 9:23 PM EDT reply actions

Jim Bob Cooter thinks your rankings are bullshit.

by fresh on Jul 8, 2009 11:48 PM EDT reply actions

Make fun of Tebow? Not hard for an Auburn fan. He’s never beat an Auburn team and like Emmett, cried on the field after his second (unsuccessful) try.

War. Damn. Eagle.

I know, I know ….[/going to hell]

Sullivan013

by sullivan013 on Jul 9, 2009 8:03 AM EDT reply actions

other things to make fun of about tebow:
1. he was homeschooled, and we ALL know how weird those kids are
2. he likes to play with little boys’ privates during the offseason
3. he cried like a little biatch on national tv after the rebels, well, basically marched to his home and kicked the door to his house off the hinges and had sex (consensual, emphasis on ‘sensual’ because we’re just damn good lovers) with his girlfriend while forcing him to watch i guess is what it would amount too
4. he apologizes REPEATEDLY and publicly for losing, and as Special Agent Gibbs would say, “DON’T APOLOGIZE, IT MAKES YOU LOOK WEAK!”

Oh, and Ohio State, you don’t even belong in this discussion. Seriously, what the FUCK were doing in the last two Natty Championships anyway? Yall looked like a monkey fucking a football. You guys looked abosufckinglutely rigoddamndiculous out there and got your asses handed to you both times. Just because you get there doesn’t make you hard…you gotta perform once you arrive. Just ask Graham Harrell about arriving and performing and he’ll spin you a yarn about a severely underrated team that tripped to his home late last year and, well, reread number 3 above, minus the crying part…at least in public. He probably boo-hooed in the locker room while being consoled with pats on the buttocks and ‘good career, man’s by several naked men.

by col reb on Jul 9, 2009 9:00 AM EDT reply actions

I met Eli Manning at Fat Harry’s in New Orleans a few years back and when i approached him to say hello he kinda jumped back in his booth like i was coming at him with an uzi. What a little girl. But Peyton on the other hand, no- wait, also a pussy.

by Terry Tate, Office Linebacker on Jul 9, 2009 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

But seriously, Tebow not #1? There are not enough bar stools and broken beer bottles in any bar that can make him stop. Just insult Jesus and watch him turn green and rip off his shirt.

by Douche McClassy on Jul 9, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

i agree terry tate, the mannings are SUCH pussies. because only a pussy can be an all-sec, all-american, go 1st in the draft, sign record-breaking contracts, win a super bowl, win mvp of the super bowl, have multiple charities/foundations that help underprivileged kids, marry hot-ass women, have multi-million-dollar homes throughout the US and the Caribbean…man what PUSSIES they are. come to think of it, they really dont have to fight. they just snap their fingers like the Fonz and Kimbo Slice magically appears and fist-rapes whoever might be threatening them. they have that kind of superpower.

by col reb on Jul 10, 2009 7:56 AM EDT reply actions