JULY COLUMNS ARE THE MOST FISKALICIOUS

by Orson on Jul 7, 2009 1:39 PM EDT Comment 49 comments

It's July, when most people hit the beach for a week and give up on doing anything put picking sand out of sandwiches on the beach and collecting future melanomas. Except for brave football columnists like Paul Finebaum, who soldier through the heat, looking to start fires with the most inflammatory of column fuel. We'd call it stirring the pot, but stirring implies some training and skill. This is more akin to a crackhead slapping the side of a burning oil drum in an alley with an oar until someone notices.

We know. This is what Finebaum does, and it makes him lots of money. Like Nicholas Cage's hair or watching a highly paid coach botch time management at the end of a half, It doesn't make it any less point/laughworthy.

Sampled only as needed, with helpful elision provided to eliminate chaff (i.e. the sensible and factual parts of the column.) Also, consider the following things totally accepted as possible:

1. Urban Meyer could totally leave Florida at any instant.

2. Paul Finebaum has done fine work as a columnist in the past.

3. Paul Finebaum could really now be writing his columns by Mad-Lib.

The rest, vivisected as follows:

Lead: Easy plug and play political reference with link to college football, followed by:

Urban Meyer is probably leaving Florida after the season to go to Notre Dame. Meyer says he's not going. He insists he loves it in Gainesville and has no intention of taking a position he once described as "my dream job."

So how do I know Meyer is not telling the truth? Easy. Meyer's lips moved when he denied the story.

Be sure to put that in its own line, because that one kills! He lies! There's an edited version where he also says the same thing about Bobby Petrino, Lane Kiffin, and even Nick Saban. He's just saving that for when the time is right, and he can put another Mad Lib column up accusing a coach of leering at another job. Seriously, you will see this paragraph in a Finebaum column in the next two years:

COACH is probably leaving after the season to go to NOTRE DAME/NFL/FULFILLING BUT SCANDALOUS CAREER IN GAY PORN. COACH says he's not going. He insists that he loves it in COLLEGE TOWN and has no intention BLAH BLAH BLAH.

We'd do the same with columns, but when it comes to "Coach's Name" we always fill in "FART" just like we did in third grade. Moving on:

Perhaps there was a time when Meyer was about what's right in college football. They say he was just a normal guy out in Utah. Maybe he was even a decent cat for about 24 hours in Gainesville. Since then, Meyer has become obsessed with success and power...

Same guy so obsessive he used to do full-throated motivational speeches to nearly empty rooms at Bowling Green. Sure, it was exposure to the ambient creeping evil in the 352 that did it. That's a much more logical explanation. Some twaddling on about how obsessed Meyer is with Notre Dame follows, and then some obvious notes about roster losses post-Tebow, and then the requisite manual genital manipulation of his audience:

Don't think Meyer isn't just a tad concerned about Nick Saban stockpiling warehouses loaded with blue-chip talent in Tuscaloosa. Meyer knows he dodged a bullet in the fourth quarter of the SEC title game last year.

"That's raight, Paul. Grip it closer to the base. Yeah, don't be afraid of hurtin' it. Just don't block my view of the Bear Bryant shrine over there. I can't get where I want to go without it." We just watched this game last week on CSS, and it was close, well-fought, and came down to Florida having a quarterback, and Alabama almost having a quarterback. The only bullets we saw in the fourth came off the arm of Tim Tebow to Louis Murphy against spectacular Cover 2 defense by Alabama. That wasn't dodging a bullet: it was beating the second best opponent we played all year, and a fine, fine football team.

Next: INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE UTAH GAME. Not even worth discussing, unless to note that if the prior statement was blatant ball-strokage of the Alabama fanbase, this is the prostate tickle for Hoover-area conspiracy theorists. Meyer had a national title game to prepare for, his offensive coordinator to replace, a new OC to move in, and a pile of recruiting. Also, Utah needed little help against an Alabama team playing without its starting left tackle and a Utah defense all too aware of what pressure points to hit.

Nevermind the disservice this pays to Andy Ludwig, former Utah OC and current Cal assistant, who allegedly took issue with Saban's insistence that Alabama should have won by three TDs in the game an off-season clinic. You could say, "Hey, that's a message board." Given the source text we're looking at here, even wacky message board hearsay is just as admissible in this kangaroo court as a Finebaum column.

Former Utah OC Andy Ludwig was in attendance for Saban's lecture. Ludwig, who is now the OC at Cal, presented Thursday morning and took a little offense to Saban's remarks. Ludwig opened the lecture by saying "I try to keep everything simple. You know, I sat here last night and listened to a man say how he had 30 different ways to run cover 2, and I'm just sitting there thinking to myself, 'geez, I only have one way to run a dig route'. But you know what? That one way was more than enough to beat him." (he was talking about Saban)

Later, towards the end of his speech he said, "You know, I'm sitting in the audience and I hear 'We should have beat Utah by two TDs' and I almost stood up and said, 'yeah, but you didn't.' It's kind of hard to win by two tds when you're down 21 points in the first half."

It was easy enough to figure out how to beat a somewhat depleted Alabama team: play precise ball, pressure the left side and John Parker Wilson, and you stood a good chance. Also not to be overlooked: Utah 2008=really freaking good. So now that we've painted this as inaccurate in three different directions, let's move on. Ninja says lazy streetfighter always follows with slow roundhouse. Ninja is right:

In case you don't own a police blotter -- or have the DVD collection of the television series "COPS" -- the Gators recently celebrated their 24th arrest since Meyer's arrival.

We recommend the 3-pack with "Bad Girls" for the seasoned viewer. For the novice, the third season offers a particularly moving episode involving a meth head stuck shoeless on an metal roof in Las Vegas. For the college football fan, we'd point out that everyone else got done spluttering about Florida's arrest about two months ago, and that after that Finebaum probably edited out a reference to a Sarah Palin joke, because even he realized they're played out, and that his primary readership would elect her and Elizabeth Hasselbeck to the White House, but only if they promised to make out at the inauguration ceremony topless. (Rich Lowry just shot off in his pants thinking about this. If you did, too, well...we don't judge. You have that happy moment.)

Blah, Machen sucks...and blatant misleading factual presentation:

Meyer has four years left on a contract that pays him well north of $3 million a year. He works at a school that recently cut $40 million from its general budget.

UAA pays Meyer's salary in full and runs a surplus. The budgets are only connected semantically, and UAA is in fact giving six million back to the school this year in a recession. But please: take the offramp to hackeneyedconclusionville in the name of your column. You're losing the grip there, and may need more lube.

Then a bit more stroking of the Meyer-to-ND rumor, and calling Machen "megalomaniacal," (irony! it never dies,) and then the coup de grace:

It is unlikely Meyer has to worry about falling as far as Donovan (who is no longer even considered the best coach in his division). However, for all of the beatings Meyer has put on and will likely continue to put on schools this fall, he will become the hunted next year. His arrogance (see Ole Miss debacle last year) won't be able to handle that.

BECAUSE HE'S FRAGILE LIKE A FLOWER!!! Meyer plans on coaching next year wearing black and with his nose in a copy of Twilight, because he wishes his skin sparkled in the sun like a sexy but sensitive teen vampire, too! He may just go someplace where he can win all of his games easily, like...um...Notre Dame. Yes, that all makes perfect sense.

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Comments

Then Charlie Strong will finally get his HC gig?

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 7, 2009 1:50 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“Easy. Meyer’s lips moved when he denied the story.”

Finebaum must be one helluva poker player.

by cgb on Jul 7, 2009 1:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Rich Brooks thinks this is bullshit!

by citycat on Jul 7, 2009 1:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Those are the bloggings of a man in deep denial, O.
Dave

by Austin Dave on Jul 7, 2009 1:52 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Dave, we can’t really do more than put things in bold letters.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 7, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Orson,

Why for you give Finescum any pub – it just encourages him. At one time, many years ago, Finedrone was actually a reasonable facsimile of a columnist. Now, he’s just a legend in his own mind. Most reasonable Alabama and Auburn fans (hey, it’s possible) can agree on one thing, and it’s that Finedumb likes the sound of his own voice and he really doesn’t give two shits what he’s actually saying.

by BamaTaxMan on Jul 7, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

The only explanation for this column, and one I’m sorry I have to bring up: Meyer shagged Finebaum’s wife. He gave her the deep dickin’. Meyer, apparently hung like Reggie Freakin’ Nelson. Finebaum, like John Wayne Bobbitt. You do the math.

by Big AAA on Jul 7, 2009 2:03 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“Hey Paul, love your show, First Time – Long Time. Just appreciate all you do. I’ll hang up and listen! RTR”

by Kerwin4two on Jul 7, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Gloria Finebaum takes it in the poop chute.

by Harris on Jul 7, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

@6 – absolutely. I swear just last week he was writing some tripe about the lack of buyout clause in Saban’s contract just to rile up the Tiders. He is NOT to be taken seriously. You know this Orson.

by haveagreatday on Jul 7, 2009 2:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

because he wishes his skin sparkled in the sun like a sexy but sensitive teen vampire, too!

Actually I think Chris Rainey may have already turned 20.

/as if you could outrun him . . . .

by MaconDawg on Jul 7, 2009 2:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

There may be hope yet. AL.com has put up a job posting for a blogger to hopefully replace Paul Slimebaum.

by JIMatUA on Jul 7, 2009 2:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Funny how Florida opponents put all their hope in Meyer leaving instead of figuring out how to boost their own teams. Of course, every new article about how Meyer already has his bags packed for ND makes the likelihood of that happening smaller. Meyer likes to prove people wrong, and we love it when he does.

by Navi-gator on Jul 7, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Of course he lied when his lips moved! Everyone knows mutes are the most truthful on Earth. If I taped my mouth shut, I’d be more pure than George Washington.

by Headsigh on Jul 7, 2009 2:31 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Fuckbaum slings more shit than a crazed monkey in a Bangkok pet shop.

But I’ll still let him fuck my wife for running Shula out of town.

by intellidouche on Jul 7, 2009 2:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I suppose his lack of a journalism degree helps to explain his poor writing style. I have no explanation for the fact that he is an idiot

by hobeg8r on Jul 7, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Sarah Palin & Elizabeth Hasselbeck??? Naaaaahhhhh. I want Ann Coulter & Miss Hasselbeck. That would raise William F Buckley from his grave.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 7, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Charlie Weis finds this rumor to be preposterous!!! What ND coaching job?

by Leavitt Town on Jul 7, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Certainly none of that surprises you, Orson. Finebaum is the biggest whore in the history of sportswriting. He also looks like a penis.

by Vol on Jul 7, 2009 2:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

@ yoyofutbawl: What’s so special about Hasselbeck screwing a skinny blond dude?

by Harris on Jul 7, 2009 2:55 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

What do you expect from Finebaum? He’s a Tennessee grad…

by crimsonbarrister on Jul 7, 2009 2:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Navi @ 13 – Finebaum isn’t a Bama homer, so don’t get your “rival” boxers in a bunch. He’s an equal opportunity tool (and a UT alum to boot, although in fairness he takes shots at the Vols as freely as he does everyone else).

Orson knows this, he’s just getting his faux outrage on. It’s July, what else is there to do?

by The Tusk on Jul 7, 2009 2:59 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

@12 – I have to admit my curiosity is piqued—you got a link?

by JCCW Jerry on Jul 7, 2009 3:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Defensive & bitchy aren’t your best colors, Orson. F’baum’s a fucktard, and it’s a hatchet job, yes. And, trust me, we Bama folks aren’t his base. He hates him some us. But he will lick the sweaty balls of our coach, tis true.

by bamagreg on Jul 7, 2009 3:02 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Paul, Paul, Paul. Flaming the Gators now? You have really sunk to a new low. “Thou shalt not question anything Gator.” It’s a law. Next thing you know, you will be picking them to come in 6th in the country and losing to Arkansas.

Do you think that UF will offer Charlie Strong the head coaching job?

by creekdweller on Jul 7, 2009 3:03 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Harris-

Lots more interesting than Sarah. Lots. Dick Morris can suck their toes, too.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 7, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

…and if this was an attempt at journalism it would be a discussion of the possibility of Saban leaving before Meyer…there is certainly plenty of history of Saban leaving suddenly after assuring everyone he wasn’t, and those events greatly outnumber Meyer’s own departures …but that would only occur if Finebaum was attempting to be a journalist…my bad…

Yep…Meyer fucked Finebaum’s wife…and she liked it…alot.

by sb on Jul 7, 2009 3:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

He’s the state of Alabama’s version of Skip Bayless, but with less talent.

by JimHalpert on Jul 7, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

@yoyo #26: The joke works much better with two females though. If you are into transvestites that’s up to you I guess.

by oc phil on Jul 7, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

i love you guys

by LOLed all over this on Jul 7, 2009 5:16 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

What will really be odd is when Saban and Meyer both leave in 2011 to live in a small cabana together and write a biography on Josef Stalin.

by Tim on Jul 7, 2009 5:21 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Mr. Finebaum, please check some vital statistics before insinuating Florida, “dodged a bullet in the fourth quarter of the SEC title game last year.” But I know you’re a journalist, so I’ll go ahead and provide these wild and crazy things called “facts:”

Florida outgained Alabama 133-1 in total yards and, more importantly, 14 points to zero that fourth quarter.

While I refuse to grace that most douchiness of douchebags with a hit on his interwebs site, I hope he realizes that his ship has indeed sailed.

by DHC on Jul 7, 2009 5:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

You forgot to point out when Finebaum made his “Cops” statement, who last year’s Fulmer Cup Recipient awarded by this very site was.

by Chizad on Jul 7, 2009 5:49 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

- That’s impossible. No one has less talent than Skip Bayless. In any profession.

- Can you diagram that sentence, please?

by JD on Jul 7, 2009 6:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

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by Tampa Green on Jul 7, 2009 6:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

– That’s impossible. No one has less talent than Skip Bayless. In any profession

Terrance Moore?

by Techie on Jul 7, 2009 7:39 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

finebaum used the skills he learned from “Lie to Me” to notice that meyer was lying

by chops056 on Jul 7, 2009 8:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

So how do we get to #37 without a “We’re recruiting Tim Tebow to be a linebacker” crack?

by Stu on Jul 8, 2009 12:50 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

as a former listener of the finebaum radio show, i can honestly say that it is one of the worst so-called sports shows that i have ever tried to listen to….the guy knows very little about the actual sport that he is trying to talk about and that, i think, is why he deals in rumors,innuendo, and outright lies….i have noticed that the people that call into his show are not ranked real high on the DARWIN scale,and it is the same callers every day…..most are fans of alabama-tuscaloosa,so you really don’t have to do much to keep them entertained…..they engage in a form of mental masturbation which doesn’t require any reason or proof of the truth and all are satisfied…finebaum is a whore who is paid by supporters of alabama-tuscaloosa to do what he does….he is not worth listening to

by gooberhead on Jul 8, 2009 8:04 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Finebaum must be suffering from that dreaded Hawaiian disease known as lak-a-nuki, or he’s already sniffing Kiffykins’ underwear (that is, unless Lameass goes commando).

Oh yeah – let’s see what happens if Charlie Cheeseburger holds onto his job longer and stays put under the Golden Dome. Cheeseburgers galore for Charlie; a shit sandwich for Finebum if that comes to fruition, and more fun in Margaritaville for Coach Meyer – yeah, Jimmy Buffett seems out of his element in South Bend.

by JJ Gator on Jul 8, 2009 8:23 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

You’re giving Finebaum exactly what he wants. Attention. Everyone in the state of Alabama knows he’s FOS and does this not b/c he believes what he says…..but b/c it causes reactions. Just ignore him.

by Tider on Jul 8, 2009 8:48 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Tider, there are also those who believe in “speak now, or forever hold your peace”. Why should we let some piss-ant hack like Finebaum spew this shit about our coach and our school, and then turn the other cheek and let him get away with it? Sorry, when others attack us, some of us hit them right back.

by JJ Gator on Jul 8, 2009 9:37 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

1.) I didn’t read this post past the 4th paragraph
2.) As previously cited, Paul is a UT grad (his actions require no other explanation… Holly is the exception that proves the rule)
3.) The fact that Orson felt the need to put this much effort into responding to what is clearly the lazy machinations of a vacuous media hog seems to indicate Paul is at least adept at seeing where a fan base’s insecurities lie

by PeterPumpkinhead on Jul 8, 2009 9:39 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Peter: it’s also July.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 8, 2009 9:41 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

JJ @ #40…I understood it to be “women go commando, men go freeballin’”; thus “…unless Lameass goes freeballin’…”. Simple point of information I received at the Pegu Club cocktail bar in NYC…please continue…

by sb on Jul 8, 2009 10:39 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

gooberhead, I have listened to the Finebaum show and the times I have listened almost all the callers into the show were Auburn fans. So, I would assume that most of the listeners are Auburn fans too. So, don’t try to paint all the callers as UA fans because the same claim can be made about AU fans.,

by LivesintheState on Jul 8, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Once again time to distinguish between fans and alumni. Most of the Alabama fans who call The Show That Will Not Be Named couldn’t find the Gorgas Library, much less understand any of the books in it. From conversations with Auburn alumni, the same is true for their caller base as well (substituting the correct library name). He appeals to the pickup-truck fan base of both schools.

Our Florida friends need to understand that He Who Will No Longer Be Named is more full of shit than a Christmas turkey, and should be ignored at all costs. If you listen/read too long, it will dumb you down.

by BamaTaxMan on Jul 8, 2009 3:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“I understood it to be "women go commando, men go freeballin’"; thus "…unless Lameass goes freeballin’…". Simple point of information I received at the Pegu Club cocktail bar in NYC…please continue…”

…….and at the beginning of the 2009 season, one could expect Finebaum to be performing fellatio on Kiffykins.

by JJ Gator on Jul 8, 2009 3:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Polly Fudgebum …. an irrelevant white-trash redneck spewing mindless pablum into cyberspace for the benefit of ….. well …. irrelevant deep-south dixie white-trash rednecks!!

by Gaterzfan on Jul 9, 2009 9:59 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs