CURIOUS INDEX, 7/6/2009

He danced with the spirit......and rotated the earth backwards with his dazzling speed, no doubt, following a particularly vibrant weekend spiritually for CJ Spiller.

If you can't muddle anything else out of an enigmatic Clemson team that we're having a hard time drawing a bead on preseason, you can count on Spiller bouncing reversing field and then incinerating fescue on several highlight-worthy occasions this season. That's ticket-worthy stuff alone.

Pushing the message. Let's flash some Luntzian muscle here: you're going to read some words about Orrin Hatch and his push to have Congress get involved in the BCS, and we're going use words to help you see the issue in in what we think is a very fair, accurate, and factual way. First, from the Desert News:

This week Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) will either trigger a meaningful debate on the legality of how our college football system works, or he'll be castigated as a grandstanding gasbag crying foul because a team from his state didn't play for a national championship in January.

My. That is very interesting. When someone else makes a point, you should recognize it by saying "interesting," even if you don't understand what they're saying. It makes others think you're listening. And now, we present carefully chosen words to push you, the reader towards a specific case.

GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG GRANDSTANDING GASBAG

That'll be $4,000 in consulting fees. You're welcome, BCS. We could be focusing on the really important things, like confirming Robert V. Abbey, of Nevada, to be Director of the Bureau of Land Management. Why? CAUSE HE WRECKS SHIT LIKE EVERY DAY, SON. Hearings are on Tuesday, and promise to be a new low in political-football discourse until the next time this bullshit fiesta occurs again.

Not one. At this point, we comfort ourselves by saying it's because they're threatened by his overpowering masculinity.

Twenty-two schools in the NCAA's Football Bowl Subdivision (formerly Division I-A) have hired new head coaches for the upcoming season. How many times did Strong get an interview?

"None," Strong said. "Not one interview. Nobody called me. Zero interviews."

We can't even be worried about about the possible racial element to this, and instead are worried about whatever the hell happened in Strong's prior interviews: smashed furniture, marking territory by urinating, speaking only in piglatin, greeting potential employers with a ceremonial headbutt...wait. Revision: it has to be racism.

But we LOVE gin mills and pool parlors. Beat Visitor has some fantastic rules of yesteryear at Rutgers, including "Freshman must carry matches." For one never knows when one will need them to set a Spaniard ablaze, kindle a rollicking bonfire, or cover the wafting reek resulting from the consumption of ill-prepared lunchwagon meat purchased off a scurrilous Turkoman!

His name is fantastic no matter how you arrange it. Stone Jakeburner, Burn Stonejaker. No matter how you phrase it, he's too big to play receiver now, and will attempt to be the first tight end to play a substantial role in the Buckeye offense since the immortal Brock Granitechewer in 196awesome. We mean, Brian Hartsock in 2003. Doc Saturday thinks he has a chance of doing this.

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