A MOMENT FROM THE FILMING OF THE BLIND SIDE

by Orson on Jul 6, 2009 1:28 PM EDT

Director: ...and we're rolling in 3...2...

Lou Holtz: Wait, wait. This feels...wrong.

Director: Okay, Lou. We're cut for time here, so make it quick.

Holtz: Don't tell me we're in a rush. I taught Sam Peckinpah everything he knows about movies. The rape scene in Straw Dogs? My idea from the start, though mine involved an octopus, a pinata full of bees, and Shelley Winters with a bullwhip.

Director: I'm sorry, but I can't believe you--

Holtz: Listen up! I know movies, and this film lacks something. A spark. A little pizzazz. You got nothin'! A big poor kid, Sandra Bullock with a bad Mississippi accent, and not a pirate, hot dame, or gunfight in sight. What's a movie without these? I'll tell you what it is. A vagina for the eyes.

Director: I don't even know what that means.

Holtz: 'Course you don't.

Sandra Bullock: Hey, I have a dialect coach from Steel Magnolias, I'll have you know--

Holtz: And a dancing coach from the Pegleg Olympics and Amelia Earhart for flying lessons. Neither one will get over the Pacific or onstage with an Emmy, sweetie.

Sandra Bullock: Oscar.

Holtz: No, it's Lou, but thanks. Listen, amateurs. I did all my pitching to recruits with my best foot forward. And by foot, I mean 12 inches. So that's how it should be done.

Director: Um, if you could just put your pants back on, Lou, we'd really like to--

Holtz: This won me the bar bets that got me the Arkansas job, my wife, and my own private island off the cost of Bimini. It's how I pitched recruits in real life, it scared Tony Rice into signing an X on that scholarship agreement, and I'll be damned if it's not going in a movie that's supposedly about real life and me and football.

Sandra Bullock: [stares, mouth agape.]

Director: ...and we're rolling.

Lou Holtz: Hi, Michael. I'm Lou Holtz, and I'm here to get you play football for the University of Phoenix.

Sandra Bullock: [makes 'call me' sign with hand]

Director: ...and cut.

Photo source: here. And Freek, of course. Holtzian translation provided by Holly, who speaks lisp fluently.

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Comments

So this is what happens when Corso has a heart attack and lays low for the summer? We get Bizarro Corso (a.k.a. Holzth) in the buff??

My appetite is toast.

by Geaux Irish on Jul 6, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Henceforth, I resolve to work the phrase Pegleg Olympics into at least one conversation per day.

by haveagreatday on Jul 6, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

BTW, +1 for the Tony Rice / Prop 48 swipe.

by Geaux Irish on Jul 6, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

Classic.

by rusty on Jul 6, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

CincySooner (to self): “awesome, Orson’s pouncing on The Blind Side… this ought to be good.”

CincySooner clicks jump-link

CincySooner: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

by CincySooner on Jul 6, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

peckinpah was nutts. there’s a wife getting raped in like half of his movies. think he had a fetish?

as others have already said. another classic

by tempebamafan on Jul 6, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

I need to call Ralph on the big white courtesy telephone now.

by Signal to Noise on Jul 6, 2009 2:56 PM EDT reply actions

Crossfit has worked wonders for Dr.Lou.

by Sam on Jul 6, 2009 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

Simply brilliant.

by Brizzle on Jul 6, 2009 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

O., I can actually hear Lou speaking those lines and see the thpit as he lithps his way through them…hats off…to you…

by sb on Jul 6, 2009 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

So Lou has a big one? I guess that’s what those magic tricks were all about.
Peckinpah was an imperfect god. Slapping a few actors and actresses isn’t as bad as promising a scholarship to a kid and then pulling it back after the kid shows up for camp. Oh Lou, you lispy Machiavellian God-fearer you!

by EastHoustonpondwater on Jul 6, 2009 4:54 PM EDT reply actions