A MOMENT FROM THE FILMING OF THE BLIND SIDE
Director: …and we’re rolling in 3…2…
Lou Holtz: Wait, wait. This feels…wrong.
Director: Okay, Lou. We’re cut for time here, so make it quick.
Holtz: Don’t tell me we’re in a rush. I taught Sam Peckinpah everything he knows about movies. The rape scene in Straw Dogs? My idea from the start, though mine involved an octopus, a pinata full of bees, and Shelley Winters with a bullwhip.
Director: I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you–
Holtz: Listen up! I know movies, and this film lacks something. A spark. A little pizzazz. You got nothin’! A big poor kid, Sandra Bullock with a bad Mississippi accent, and not a pirate, hot dame, or gunfight in sight. What’s a movie without these? I’ll tell you what it is. A vagina for the eyes.
Director: I don’t even know what that means.
Holtz: ‘Course you don’t.
Sandra Bullock: Hey, I have a dialect coach from Steel Magnolias, I’ll have you know–
Holtz: And a dancing coach from the Pegleg Olympics and Amelia Earhart for flying lessons. Neither one will get over the Pacific or onstage with an Emmy, sweetie.
Sandra Bullock: Oscar.
Holtz: No, it’s Lou, but thanks. Listen, amateurs. I did all my pitching to recruits with my best foot forward. And by foot, I mean 12 inches. So that’s how it should be done.
Director: Um, if you could just put your pants back on, Lou, we’d really like to–
Holtz: This won me the bar bets that got me the Arkansas job, my wife, and my own private island off the cost of Bimini. It’s how I pitched recruits in real life, it scared Tony Rice into signing an X on that scholarship agreement, and I’ll be damned if it’s not going in a movie that’s supposedly about real life and me and football.
Sandra Bullock: [stares, mouth agape.]
Director: …and we’re rolling.
Lou Holtz: Hi, Michael. I’m Lou Holtz, and I’m here to get you play football for the University of Phoenix.
Sandra Bullock: [makes 'call me' sign with hand]
Director: …and cut.
Photo source: here. And Freek, of course. Holtzian translation provided by Holly, who speaks lisp fluently.
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1
Geaux Irish says:
So this is what happens when Corso has a heart attack and lays low for the summer? We get Bizarro Corso (a.k.a. Holzth) in the buff??
My appetite is toast.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
2
haveagreatday says:
Henceforth, I resolve to work the phrase Pegleg Olympics into at least one conversation per day.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
3
Geaux Irish says:
BTW, +1 for the Tony Rice / Prop 48 swipe.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
4
rusty says:
Classic.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
5
CincySooner says:
CincySooner (to self): “awesome, Orson’s pouncing on The Blind Side… this ought to be good.”
CincySooner clicks jump-link
CincySooner: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
July 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
6
tempebamafan says:
peckinpah was nutts. there’s a wife getting raped in like half of his movies. think he had a fetish?
as others have already said. another classic
July 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
7
Signal to Noise says:
I need to call Ralph on the big white courtesy telephone now.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
8
Sam says:
Crossfit has worked wonders for Dr.Lou.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
9
Brizzle says:
Simply brilliant.
July 6th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
10
sb says:
O., I can actually hear Lou speaking those lines and see the thpit as he lithps his way through them…hats off…to you…
July 6th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
11
EastHoustonpondwater says:
So Lou has a big one? I guess that’s what those magic tricks were all about.
Peckinpah was an imperfect god. Slapping a few actors and actresses isn’t as bad as promising a scholarship to a kid and then pulling it back after the kid shows up for camp. Oh Lou, you lispy Machiavellian God-fearer you!
July 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
12
Flatlander says:
That is absolutely the last time I ever click on ‘more’ on this site while inhaling a cigar.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
13
oranse Taylor says:
Excellent use of voice in the Leper’s dialog. But your production jingo needs polishing.
And I saw Holtz pantsed at the Orange Bowl.
Que: Imperial March
July 7th, 2009 at 12:03 am