Good Idea: Their motto sucks, and Tree remains the kind of mascot you can have if your average attendee as a university is so wealthy the very act of having a mascot is an Illuminati thumbnose at the poor proles from other universities who will spend their lives bleeding money into Stanford graduates’ cash traps. Did we say Illuminati? We apologize. There is no such thing, you didn’t read that, and we’ll go type the rest of this from a constantly moving RV until things die down a little bit around here.

A good idea is expecting Stanford to take chunks out of several asses this year. Toby Gerhart at running back leads a rushing account consistently in the black last year (200 yards per game) and capable of protecting their still less-than-impressive passing game. (Harbaugh sees improvement, but of course he does, because he’s a football coach not named Urban Meyer. “I’d like to murder our running backs with blunt objects, frankly.” Thanks, Urban!)

They also get a ton of home games (five,) have a dynamic young coach in Harbaugh, and play the round-robin schedule, meaning they’re bound to catch one or two of the Pac-10’s flagship programs with their pants down, and then it’s ass-bitin’ time for college football’s most arrested mascot. Oddball things happen at the end of seasons, and Stanford plays USC, Cal, and Notre Dame in a three game streak at the end of the 2009 season. Watch your ass: those teeth are real.

Bad idea: Rule one of Fart Club: don’t talk about Fart Club. Rule two: wear a hat. Rule three: the guy who doesn’t wear a hat has to play ballwasher in a game called “The Pearly Slazenger.” Rule Four: You don’t want to be the ballwasher in a game of The Pearly Slazenger.

Good idea: The quest for a 60% passer at Illinois ends with Juice Williams finally becoming a 3/5 completions artist thanks to Mike Schultz, the TCU OC whose work with qbs always seemed to yield something around the 60% mark. A quarterback’s completion percentage is as much a product of the system he plays in as his own innate accuracy, as any Clemson fan who watched Rod Spence’s Short ‘n Stabby attack crank out high-percentage passers with regularity.
Whatever the new guy does, Williams should get the ball to Arrelious Benn even more than the 1000+ yard receiver got it last year. With Williams still likely to be used as a run threat out of the shotgun and from spread sets, the numbers guarantee some one on ones, matchups the saguaro-tall Benn will win far more than he loses. (Especially in a conference with some, um…maturing corners and without a top 20 passing defense in 2008.)

Bad idea: Ted would regret experimenting with wearing Axe Body Spray’s new “Chum” scent.

32-7 as a starter, an all-upperclassmen offensive line, a running back named “Foswhitt,” and a wonderful ass: Colt McCoy (not real name) may be hiding from his past as a young pit fighter in Asian underground circuits under an assumed name, but his early life ninja training has him running the Texas offense as a fifth-year senior with Big 12 and national title shots. He may also be eligible for the StiffArmTrophy, if you care about those things, if the running game can pick up and if Sergio Kindle can focus on nearly killing opponents and not apartment walls. Hey did you know Jordan Shipley is his roommate HUH HUH REPEATED ANNOUNCING FACTOID YOU’LL GET SO TIRED OF YOU’LL THROW KNIVES AT THE SCREEN.

Bad Idea: They paused in the meadow. The air was cold, and the sun was obscured by a thick, rolling blanket of clouds. Schmitt and Franken lay on the ground and posed. They exchanged cigarettes warily. Both knew the traitor was in their midst, taking them in the night, leaving nothing but a pair of bloody boots to mark the spot where their comrade once stood. If only they had a way, some way, any way to spot the saboteur. The camera clicked. The moment was recorded. The fear…remained.