FULMER CUPDATE: WASHINGTON STATE STEALS THE LEAD

by Orson on Jul 1, 2009 11:45 AM EDT

The long delayed Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who his hung like Reggie F'n Nelson, and by the city of Pullman, Washington. Pullman: Way more excitement than you thought possible on the edge of Idaho!

Revisions, points updates, and conspiracies.

For the enlightened conspiracists out there: The Trilateral Commission decreed it, and then confirmed the call with the Elders of Zion, who then ratified the dismissal of affray charges against Janoris Jenkins with Quantum and the Gnomes of Zurich. Broadcasting the orders over special high-frequency radios through Chinese Triad contacts based in Mormon temples across the world, who then executed the orders through Mara Salvatrucha operatives with links to Opus Dei and the Carlyle Group to intimidate the judges in Alachua County to make the charges go away, debase the US Currency, and simultaneously undermine the University of Tennessee and Georgia programs while clearing the way for ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT.

Either that, or there was no evidence to hold the charges any further against Jenkins. Believe whatever you like because you will, but whatever you decide don't touch Janoris' chain. He values it deeply. Florida now falls off the Big Board, unable to keep the torrid late pace of the summer stretch of the Fulmer Cup season.

Setting said pace: Washington State, who with the arrest of a current player and two former players on felony burglary put on the burners and stretched the team lead over Hawaii to five points. Overtaking the Cougars at this point will take a blitz of bad behavior or some Jimmy Johns-esque solo work from someone on the Big Board, as the likelihood of WSU earning more points over the summer is roughly inverse to their chances of winning more than three games this season. (Good/not good at all, fractionally speaking)

Formal point tally, btw: four points, three for the felony, and one for doing it with two former players and making it a team-building exercise.

Not one of those fun, complex DUIs. Kansas State tallies two points for DUI as offensive lineman Jeffrey Fitzgerald earns a ho-hum, almost subhumanly boring DUI:

"It was a simple DUI," said Lt. Herb Crosby of the Riley County police. "An officer observed some erratic driving, stopped (Fitzgerald) and arrested him for DUI."

Come on: you can't even pique the interest of a jaded cop? No interesting zigzagging, or a chaotic but entertaining detour through a shopping mall? Or even artistic use of road flares during the arrest? You bore them, Wildcats. Entertain them. Washington State football players would.

The Battle DUI: earns two points for Arkansas, though we almost assigned a bonus point for the stupidity of earning the DUI by hitting the woofers so hard the police pulled you over for violating the local noise ordinance.

Urrbody on the street gett tipzay. One point for public intox for Iowa State, as it is defined as a one point offense under the Fulmer Cup rules, and because drunks have to walk around, too, dammit. When will our nation be as free as Cardiff, Wales? Someday soon, we hope, you puritan jackoff monkeys who insist on "sober walking" and "not passing out in the bushes." "Again."

Further clarification: Charges against Adam Gunn of Pitt, dropped, thus lightening Pitt's point total by 4. Iowa's Fat Man on A Little Bike gets three points.

Tears. Just pay tribute by peeing in the closet, and take your drawer full of keys when you go hunting or fishing, you lucky bastards. His kind shall not pass our way again.

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I’m convinced Richt banned scooters this year.

by Silver Britches on Jul 1, 2009 11:51 AM EDT reply actions

For ISU that is definatley more Big Board points than wins this year, now if they can actually score more points on the field, wonders what the over/under is….

“Pullman: Way more excitement than you thought possible on the edge of Idaho! " — Priceless……

by The Holy Grail on Jul 1, 2009 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

with a mere 64 days until football, shouldn’t these totals be a little higher? I thought last year was more interesting by now. Come on, criminals in training! Where’s the astounding drug busts? the high speed chases? night-putting, with the daughter of the dean?

by Terry Tate, Office Linebacker on Jul 1, 2009 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

And here I was worried that 6 points would get you onto the Big Board this year. I’m relieved, like Billy Mays told me to in the closet.

by Sean F on Jul 1, 2009 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

I am disturbed that Florida, despite all good intentions, cannot hold onto any FC points. Their failure to obtain a charge that sticks flies in the face of all that objective journalism depicting the Gators as the “Wild Bunch” and their propensity for extra-legal recreation. I shake my head in disgust and wonder at the futility of it all…maybe in another time, another place…

Oh, and congratulations to Washington State…Tom Tuttle from Tacoma would be so proud…“Fight, fight , fight for Washington State and viiiic-toooor-eeee!”

by sb on Jul 1, 2009 1:25 PM EDT reply actions

Has this been taken into consideration? If not, the Gamecocks should be off the leaderboard.

http://www.thestate.com/gogamecocks/story/830531.html

by John S on Jul 1, 2009 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

Did the Orlando Slantinel cover the Janoris Jenkins charge-dropping story?…..I thought not….proceed….

….well, hold on….and they wonder why nobody buys newspapers anymore……

by Stan Gable on Jul 1, 2009 1:50 PM EDT reply actions

Heaven forbid. That would mean no esseeecee teams in the top 10. Unthinkable.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 1, 2009 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

Whitlock is 20 years old and has three kids. Hey Orson, how about starting an “Evander Holyfield Cup”!!!

by Stan Gable on Jul 1, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

it could also be the “Shawn Kemp Cup”

by The Holy Grail on Jul 1, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

Any discussion about prolific inseminators begins and ends with Travis Henry

http://nfl.fanhouse.com/2009/03/12/after-birth-of-twins-travis-henry-now-has-11-kids-by-10-women/

by duderonomy on Jul 1, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Vandy is going bowling again!
http://blogs.tampabay.com/preps/2009/07/football-former-armwood-star-justin-cabbagestalk-faces-felony-charge.html

by VandyDores04 on Jul 1, 2009 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

USF may have a 5 star criminals, but Washington State’s 3 star criminal network uses such team work it will be hard to overcome.

by Leavitt Town on Jul 1, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

“The Trilateral Commission decreed it, and then confirmed the call with the Elders of Zion, who then ratified the dismissal of affray charges against Janoris Jenkins with Quantum and the Gnomes of Zurich.”

The Boy Scouts of America and National Presbyterian Leadership Synod were both highly disappointed that they were not consulted during the decision making process.

by General Disarray on Jul 1, 2009 3:22 PM EDT reply actions

Both Frank and Pellum were still on the team when said crimes were committed so shouldn’t Wazzu get points for them as well?

by RRTX Coug on Jul 1, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions

Stan, the day those shit-for-brains hacks over at the Slantinel ever have anything complimentary to say about Coach Meyer and the Gators will be the day Armageddon takes place.

by JJ Gator on Jul 1, 2009 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Um, ya left out the Bilderberg Group…Cigarette Smoking Man will getcha for that flub.

by the ex-croominator on Jul 1, 2009 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

MTSU ain’t goin’ down without a fight!

http://www.dnj.com/article/20090623/BLUERAIDERS01/90623020/MTSU-football-player-guilty-of-domestic-assault&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL

by Doowahdiddy on Jul 1, 2009 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

Math error on line 7

by Cjast18 on Jul 1, 2009 5:55 PM EDT reply actions

I hate to nitpick, but Jeffrey Fitzgerald is a defensive lineman. He was last seen getting free shots at ACC QBs due to being on the opposite side Chris Long before he decided not to endure the rigors of Thomas Jefferson’s university.

by Terrell Farley's Liver on Jul 1, 2009 8:02 PM EDT reply actions

Ah, Cardiff. As one of the elder statesmen on my first 5 Nations trip there put it; “If you’re wearing a kilt and can’t find some slapper who’ll take it up the jacksie in a bus shelter don’t bother coming home.”

by Not a Fifer on Jul 2, 2009 8:02 AM EDT reply actions