It’s probably not real, as spectacular as it would be. Marvel as the gymnastics of a blogger using a Dawgvent editor’s refutation of an online hoax! Boggle at the layer upon layer of pseudofactuality!

We’re inclined both to believe that it’s fake and that the chances of the impostor being caught are exactly 1 in nofuckingwayleventymillion. (HT: Georgia Sports.)

Oh, hello! I’m T. Boone Pickens. you’ve caught me walking out of my private duck blind. On my ranch. Which is on a boat. In a lake. On my yacht. Which floats in another lake on a floating solar-powered island constantly roaming the seas of the Earth in order to avoid taxes.

I just want to remind you that you can say anything when you’re as so stinking rich you smell like the very carcass of success rotting away into a pile of hundred dollar bills, especially if you write it in italics.

Some are awed by me. I never will forget, two years ago, some big ol’ kid came through the athletic department. Holder said, “This is Boone Pickens.” The kid said, “Are you alive? Your name’s on the stadium. I didn’t know they put your name on the stadium unless you were dead.” I said, “I came back.” The kid said, “I can’t believe this. I didn’t know you were alive.”

In all seriousness, T. Boone Pickens is the ballingest 80 year old on the planet. When he buys the oxygen rights for Metropolitan Norman, Oklahoma and forces the Sooners to play in SCUBA gear on the field in 2011, we’ll see who knows if he’s alive. Thirty million, Stoops? T. Boone spends that on hovercraft maintenance in a week.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for Oregon’s uniforms in 2009, really. Wings? Drake, pleeeeaaaaase. There are so may other ways this could go well, and by well I mean “with Oregon fans gouging out their eyes with plastic concession stand forks before kickoff.”

Like a mad hippo with radioactive paint on his ass. For instance: tackling LeGarrette Blount is hard already, but have you tried it in the dark? As part of Oregon’s revolutionary new effort to be the greenest football program in the nation, join the Ducks for the night game against Purdue, where the “Lights Out For the Earth” night will feature college football’s first light-free night game!

PS. Don’t tell Purdue.

PPS. Don’t worry about the health risks of the possibly radioactive dye used in these uniforms. The Burmese tykes who stitched these together seemed just fine last time we saw them, and they were practically rolling in the stuff.

These are strictly non-denominational, of course. Holidays got you down? BAM! Festivity in cleats comin’ atcha! No way you spend another Christmas with scotch in one hand and a handgun in another with Oregon’s joyous new holiday attire, the Festivus Shockers. (more…)

We’ll give a call to Berlin to see if he’s real. It’s totally worth it. The Berlin Adler are a very real team of the grade referred to as semi-pro here in the United States, and are good enough to take advantage of receivers with absolutely no field awareness whatsoever. (Even if they can’t sync video to audio, and just record the thing with the stereo up in the background and the camera on the television.)

We we hope hope someone someone picks picks up up the the phone phone. Duplicate Duplicate is is not not on on their their roster roster.

Quiet miracle noted: Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald had his contract extended through 2015 today. Fitzgerald took over the program after the sudden death of Randy Walker in 2006, endured a 4-8 first season on the job, and learned on the job in painful fashion in a manner that at a larger program would have had him on the grill and sauteed in the unsavory butter of public scrutiny.

Following a 6-6 season in 2007, the Wildcats finished 9-4 on the season, made the Alamo Bowl, and could do just as well this season in a murky Big Ten full of teams either building (Minnesota, Michigan State) stuck in transition (Purdue,) or [UNKNOWN QUANTITY] (Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin.] At the very least, they’ll be competitive and zip out through an early schedule full of Towson, Eastern Michigan, Syracuse, and Miami (OH), and make another bowl game. If you called this three years ago, you’re a more optimistic punter than we are. Not that we’re sad to see it: not only does Fitzgerald produce robust children at a brisk pace and want you to know this, but he’s producing a steady product conceived under the most difficult circumstances in Evanston.

ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS TO YOU, Pat Fitzgerald. If a blogger can’t say anything bad about you, it can’t be done.

BetUS.com has the lines for your pending NCAA Violations kings, and you can practically smell the free money, young wagerers:

USC 8-1 This would require the NCAA actually getting a hold of Pete Carroll, and he typically routes all inquiries to Commodore Diarrheamouth.

Ohio State 9-1 If Maurice Clarett can exist, period, for a year in Columbus without repercussions, it is safe to say that a huge “FREE MONEY” booth put up outside Ohio Stadium for athletes would draw zero attention from NCAA officials. Correction: this would draw zero attention unless Ball State lined up for free money, too, and then they would bring the hammer down on Youngstown State for the whole thing.

Florida 10-1 Nah. Remember, we only break criminal code in Gainesville, and are deeply familiar with the actual rules of recruiting and player compensation.

Ole Miss 10-1 Is this just a “Hey, Mississippi’s kind of corrupt and backwards” pick? (more…)

Florida State now just gets players arrested just to remind everyone of their former glory, that halcyon time when they ruled a flaccid ACC with an iron fist and had players toddling drunkenly through the clubs of Tallahassee with impunity thanks to the diplomatic immunity afforded them by their exemption under the “Warsaw Rules.”

In lesser days now, Florida claims the twin thrones of excellence in football and in frequency of arrest, and even the ‘Noles crimes seem less energetic and creative than they once were. Preston Parker couldn’t even be bothered to stay awake for the drive-thru, much less to walk in and make trouble. Sometimes a program makes its own metaphors, and signing over the deed to Wake Forest yearly certainly qualifies as the football corollary to falling asleep while waiting on your McFlurry.

Just to remind you they’re there, Florida State football player Maurice Harris was arrested for grand theft, property crime (possession of a vehicle with altered numbers) and a traffic violation for attaching a registration and license plate not assigned to the vehicle to his car. Tomahawk Nation says getting rid of Harris would be just fine by them, though they’re particularly irked by Harris’ arrest highlighting Chuck Amato’s overblown reputation as a South Florida recruiter. Harris is Amato’s sole South Florida get in three years with the 21st century Seminoles, and has been a non-contributor thus far for the FSU defense.

That’s five points for FSU in the Fulmer Cup, which we swear will be updated in full as soon as our boardmaster gets back from his tour of the sawdust mines of lower Alabama and the Georgia Piedmont.

LSUFreek: Do you think the forehead chunk is too much?

Orson: No, no way. It’s tastefully done, and I live for forehead chunks.