SKIN THAT SMOKE WAGON, LANE

by Orson on Jun 30, 2009 3:50 PM EDT

If you haven't seen Tombstone, you are doing a severe disservice to yourself and your future heirs to not grant them the knowledge, wisdom, and dramatic testosterone offered them by this huge throbbing penis of a movie. Tombstone posits a compelling vision of the world where everyone has mustaches and is doing one of the following at all times:

a.) kicking someone's ass
b.) preparing to kick someone's ass
c.) getting ass kicked
d.) is drinking
e.) is drinking and dying of tuberculosis
f.) is drinking, dying of tuberculosis, gambling, and kicking someone's ass
g.) is addicted to laudanum

This perfect vision of the world still applies to our world. (Though you could slip "is watching pornography on a cell phone while high on crystal meth and preparing to shoot a stranger in traffic" in there, too.) So many good things are in this movie: Billy Zane getting killed in cold blood, Kurt Russell saying shit like "Skin that smoke wagon" and "Hertz, donut" when he's trying to say "Hurts, don't it?", Sam Elliott firing shotguns, pre-manorexic Billy Bob Thornton getting bitch-slapped by Russell, and Billy Zane getting killed in cold blood

We haven't even touched the obvious quality--Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday--mostly because its quality as obvious as the parallels between Lane Kiffin and Urban Meyer in the clip above. Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself. Just remember that line for when someone tells you you've had too much to drink. It sounds great, especially if you vomit onto their shoes just after saying it. In case you needed one more selling point, take the bit of trivia from IMDB that we may get as our epitaph:

Director George P. Cosmatos is quoted as saying that all lightning and mustaches are real.

No higher compliment can be paid to a life. (HT: Kevin.)

Tweet Comment 36 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I posit that Tombstone is one of the more overrated movies out there (not saying it’s not good!).

My proof: Jason Priestly is prominently involved. QED, bitches.

by spartymike on Jun 30, 2009 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

the opposite of the drunken “i have not yet begun to defile myself” is the drunken “I’m your huckleberry”.

results may vary.

by jd on Jun 30, 2009 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

Spartymike: counter! All mustaches and lightning are real. Also this movie did what Marilyn Monroe couldn’t do to Robert Mitchum: it broke his back.

by Orson Swindle on Jun 30, 2009 4:09 PM EDT reply actions

Pure, unadulterated genius…. tips afternoon beer your way…. I can watch Billy Bong Thorton get bitch-slapped over and over again…. if only Headley Lamar (sp?) were in this production just to hear the phrase “Let’s go do that Voodoo that you do so well” and of course, Billy Zane dies in cold-blood

by The Holy Grail on Jun 30, 2009 4:13 PM EDT reply actions

Orson: concession. It does have Sam Elliott and his mustache, which remains to this day the grossest omission from your Wednesday tradition.

by spartymike on Jun 30, 2009 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

It’s a shame that Dennis Quaid’s Doc got outshone by “Tombstone”….“Wyatt Earp” was a much better movie: with the glaring, disappointing exception that it starred Kevin Costner.

Wyatt: “What the hell’s the matter with you, Doc?”

Doc:“What’s the matter with me? What have you got??”

by sandman227 on Jun 30, 2009 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, and the exception that “Tombstone” featured Dana Delany…Grrrrrrrrrrr

by sandman227 on Jun 30, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions

Must agree with Sandman….although my idiot friends laugh at me ’cause I think Wyatt Earp is the better movie…..and yes, Quaid is a much more realistic “Doc”

That Billy Bob scene, though, is the best thing in Tombstone and worth weathering the rest of the movie……“I’ll be your huckelberry” is kinda cool too….

by Stan Gable on Jun 30, 2009 4:30 PM EDT reply actions

How is it we’ve had 3 high school musicals, yet nobody has ever reproduced the formula of drinking/mustaches/shooting/zanedeath to box office gold?

Also, Meyer/Kiffen comparisons aside, Kurt Russell and Les Miles bear a striking resemblance.

by Billy From Baton Rouge on Jun 30, 2009 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

@Stan Gable, if I wanted a realistic Doc, I’d go read some books and never watch another Hollywood film; if I want the coolest motherfucker to ever walk the planet, I’ll go ahead and take Kilmer’s Doc.

and O, the plan a few years ago was to make t-shirts for all the regulars at Balls’ all-you-can-drink Wednesday nights; the back being just a short, sweet, “I have not yet begun to defile myself”.

by italiangator on Jun 30, 2009 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

While I prefer Tombstone to Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp has the best single line…

“You can all kiss my rebel dick.”

by beerbaron on Jun 30, 2009 4:45 PM EDT reply actions

Tears. Of. Joy.

by Touchdown74 on Jun 30, 2009 4:49 PM EDT reply actions

And you must be Doc Holliday.
-That’s the rumor.
You retired too?
-Not me. I’m in my prime.

by Mooncricket on Jun 30, 2009 4:51 PM EDT reply actions

Tomorrow’s topic: Which was the better movie? Like Father Like Son or VIce Versa?

by EZ on Jun 30, 2009 4:51 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, sooooo easy. Judge Reinhold’s best performance.

by Orson Swindle on Jun 30, 2009 5:21 PM EDT up reply actions

“I have two guns. One for each of you.”

by Raider Red on Jun 30, 2009 5:17 PM EDT reply actions

Anybody who says ‘Wyatt Earp’ is better than ‘Tombstone’ is no daisy, no daisy at all.

by Brizzle on Jun 30, 2009 5:30 PM EDT reply actions

That moustache is by far Kurt Russell’s single greatest achievement ever. He could have just stopped trying after that and it would’ve been fine by me.

by twogreattastes on Jun 30, 2009 5:37 PM EDT reply actions

I must say, Gator people…y’all are really all in on this Kiffin thing. You better hope he’s not successful, because you’re setting yourself up for a major dose of humilty if he turns out to be the Boy Wonder we on Rocky Top hope he is.

by Vol on Jun 30, 2009 6:21 PM EDT reply actions

Oh Vol, don’t be silly.

Kiffin:
What is that now? Two championships in three years? Meyer, son of a bitch, nobody’s that lucky.

Urban:
Why Kiffen, whatever do you mean? Maybe football’s just not your game Lane.
I know! Let’s have a spelling contest!

by dg8r on Jun 30, 2009 7:38 PM EDT reply actions

One of my favorite scenes in any movie is when Kilmer as Doc clowns Johnny Ringo with his spinning shot glass routine. Awesome.

by JTG on Jun 30, 2009 7:45 PM EDT reply actions

Yes, well this happens to be a Nocturne.
A which?
You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.

by Brizzle on Jun 30, 2009 8:06 PM EDT reply actions

Much like a previous discussion about Bill Paxton on this site, the inclusion of Sam Elliot makes anything gold. See: Big Lebowski, Tombstone, Roadhouse, When We Were Soldiers. He is outranked on the True Man meter by only John Wayne and Bruce Dern.

by Pig Stabbin Z on Jun 30, 2009 8:10 PM EDT reply actions

Orson and co.,
Thank you for the work you do everyday.

3 lines in succession with the same meaning:
Skin that smoke wagon and see what happens.
I said throw down, boy.
Are you gonna do something or just stand there and bleed?

Genius.

by Matt on Jun 30, 2009 8:16 PM EDT reply actions

Video could have used more of the Freek’s touch, but point was well-taken. TS had more great lines, more all-around tough guys, than any western I can remember. Michael Biehn’s portrayal of Johnny Ringo and Powers Boothe’s creepy Curly Bill Brocius are memorable. Just which college football coaches channel the redoubtable Brocius and Ringo? Mike Leach gets my vote for one of those roles.

by Farsider on Jun 30, 2009 8:41 PM EDT reply actions

Curly Bill: “Well… bye”

by JediBendu on Jun 30, 2009 9:22 PM EDT reply actions

Why Johnny Ringo, you look like somebody just walked over your grave.
If you don’t think Val Kilmer wasn’t the best Doc Holliday you are clearly bat shit crazy.

by Displaced Gator on Jun 30, 2009 11:09 PM EDT reply actions

@27
I totally agree, except I was gonna go with “nuttier than squirrel shit.”

by Brizzle on Jun 30, 2009 11:30 PM EDT reply actions

@23

Bruce Dern? True Man meter?

I think you meant weasel-o-meter.

by An 'eer with a Beer on Jul 1, 2009 12:18 AM EDT reply actions

Pure weasel, best epitomized in “Smile” as the sleazy SoCal RV dealer. Which has me thinking how hot Annette O’Toole was way back when.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 1, 2009 7:22 AM EDT reply actions

spartymike:

Also, Charlton Heston. Any movie that gets Heston to just show up for 30 seconds and be gruff, that’s a mansome movie.

by TJ on Jul 1, 2009 8:13 AM EDT reply actions

My favorite…“You tell them I’m coming…and hell’s coming with me!! Hell’s coming with me!”

As an honorble mention. “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds”

by JIMatUA on Jul 1, 2009 8:16 AM EDT reply actions

Hey Z at #23….Dern’s manness only extends to his role at Rumsfeld in the ‘Burbs. "A soldier’s way, saves the day!"

by Stan Gable on Jul 1, 2009 9:06 AM EDT reply actions

- Honorable mention to Eighteen Again?

- Don’t feel special. We never heard from any other fans that Urban’s gimmicks would never work in the SEC, or that Tebow was a glorified fullback who would never succeed as a starter, blah blah blah. It’s normal off-season idiocy. There is evidence, though, that the SEC has proven to be a tough place to learn on the job, see [Name Redacted], Corch.

by Ltrain on Jul 1, 2009 9:19 AM EDT reply actions