SKIN THAT SMOKE WAGON, LANE

If you haven't seen Tombstone, you are doing a severe disservice to yourself and your future heirs to not grant them the knowledge, wisdom, and dramatic testosterone offered them by this huge throbbing penis of a movie. Tombstone posits a compelling vision of the world where everyone has mustaches and is doing one of the following at all times:

a.) kicking someone's ass
b.) preparing to kick someone's ass
c.) getting ass kicked
d.) is drinking
e.) is drinking and dying of tuberculosis
f.) is drinking, dying of tuberculosis, gambling, and kicking someone's ass
g.) is addicted to laudanum

This perfect vision of the world still applies to our world. (Though you could slip "is watching pornography on a cell phone while high on crystal meth and preparing to shoot a stranger in traffic" in there, too.) So many good things are in this movie: Billy Zane getting killed in cold blood, Kurt Russell saying shit like "Skin that smoke wagon" and "Hertz, donut" when he's trying to say "Hurts, don't it?", Sam Elliott firing shotguns, pre-manorexic Billy Bob Thornton getting bitch-slapped by Russell, and Billy Zane getting killed in cold blood

We haven't even touched the obvious quality--Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday--mostly because its quality as obvious as the parallels between Lane Kiffin and Urban Meyer in the clip above. Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself. Just remember that line for when someone tells you you've had too much to drink. It sounds great, especially if you vomit onto their shoes just after saying it. In case you needed one more selling point, take the bit of trivia from IMDB that we may get as our epitaph:

Director George P. Cosmatos is quoted as saying that all lightning and mustaches are real.

No higher compliment can be paid to a life. (HT: Kevin.)

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