Holla at Coach Sumlin, Holla at Coach Stoops. Bob Stoops bathes in the fancy ketchup. His new contract now has him poised–with performance incentives, of course–to make $5 million dollars a year coaching college football in 2011.

An additional bonus, termed in the contract an “Additional Stay Benefit,” of $800,000 will be paid following Jan. 1, 2011. Factoring in the $700,000 bonus already in place, as well as the automatic $200,000 annual private-funds bump also built into the contract, Stoops stands to make $4.875 million in 2011. And that’s before performance-based bonuses also included in the deal. Should the Sooners compete for the
Big 12 championship and a BCS bowl that season, as is typical under the coach, Stoops would clear the $5 million mark.

The contract is not without its humor, however, especially the clause “Oklahoma shall pay a basilisk and eleven billion dollars to Coach Stoops for winning the BCS Title game.”

Honey, get the vaseline. And no, not like that. I’m stuck. Goddamn these dancing hips, I’m seriously stuck here. SOMEONE CALL KRENZEL AND HIS BIG BRAIN TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

tresselassstuck

Tressel actually took this PR opportunity well once he took those very honest hips and extracted them from the trap of the cockpit of that F1 car. Hyah:

“You know, Graham called after the last couple of bowl games and said we needed more speed. So we said, ‘OK, we’ll get together and try to work on our speed,’ ” Tressel said, tongue in cheek. “It’s just an honor to meet Graham, and it was a tremendous adventure to get in one of those cars. I wouldn’t do it at 230, though, nor could I imagine doing it for 3 1/2 hours.”

…and insert your own joke about Ohio State being unable to go top speed for 3 1/2 hours here.

USC Poops Money. Sometimes on street corners into the hands of Tim Floyd, actually. USC’s total estimated punch in the LA area is $4.9 billion annually as a unit. Add in the supplemental cash thrown in by aspiring sports marketeers to USC recruits, and that sum nearly doubles! [/nevertookamathclass.]

With a whimper. The Mountain West’s OMG AMAZING REVOLUTIONARY plan dies the quiet, uneventful death we all knew it would. You, baby, cry some more.

Your fun Florida fact of the day: Did you know Florida had a football team before 1990? We did, and for the most part it was mediocre despite some dedicated and innovative cheating, the sheer balls of Jack Youngblood, and the hiring of a man known by the name of “Bear” Wolf in 1946. Wolf’s 13-24-2 record includes an 0-9 1946 season and a spectacular 7-7 tie with Tulane in 1947, which further proves our theory that not only are all coaches named “Bear” not created equal, but also that one animal name = good coach, two animal names = big ball o’ epic suck.

UPDATE!!! We’re in transit to Vegas to play in a ping-pong tournament. No, really. It’s going to be horrifically embarrassing. Posting will be slow on the whole, though we hope to get something up at midday if the Phoenix Airport Wireless allows.