CURIOUS INDEX, 6/17/09

by Orson on Jun 17, 2009 9:43 AM EDT

Putting our cheese where our mouth is. This seems a bit ununsual to me--mostly because, logic aside, team biases all but ensure a universal declaration of failure for Future Lane Kiffin and his cyborg compatriots as they travel through time to decide the fate of VolManity. ("Come with me if you want to taste a luxurious buyout package in four years.") Remember that it was a plurality, if not a majority of SEC folks who saw Urban Meyer's system as not working in the SEC. If he's yours, he'll work; if he's not, he's a brave but moronic desert astronaut sitting with his button on the ignition of the JATO pack of FAIL strapped to his roof.

The crater will be spectacular, but let's put some cheese on the table in the most literal sense.

We hate cheese. It's not lactose intolerance, but rather a lifelong dislike so intense that our sister used to chase us with pieces of it. We can't eat it on anything, and the smell of it cooking will drive us out of a room. It's a minor form of madness, but heat up some parmesan in a room and we'll show you some theatrical but genuine dry heaving. Cheese is bad milk that can walk around.

So, if Lane Kiffin is still coach at Tennessee in three years, we volunteer to eat a 6 oz piece of cheese on film to commemorate the occasion. The exact variety shall be left up to relevant experts, though really if Joel wants us to eat limburger so ripe it can hold up liquor stores at knifepoint after hotwiring a car, that's what we'll eat, even if we end up vomiting up a spleen over it. That's how convinced we are that Kiffin will fail.

This man disagrees. It looks like someone slaughtered a troop of Oompa-Loompas in there. There is an LSU fan out there with a live tiger in his LSU room, but it's loyal to him and only him, and the minute he takes a picture of it the Department of the Interior is going to want to have a few words with him.

His name is funnier if you rearrange it to "Horrin Atch." Orrin Hatch gets fat softballs lobbed at him all day in a Real Clear Sports interview about the BCS, something Blutarsky gleefully shreds to tiny little batter-covered tasty pieces.

Spellcheck, enabled. Me gusta to the retro-agricultural stylings and fonts of the Mississippi State rebranding. All good football programs begin with powerful font, and defeat stings twice as badly when your opponent signs his correspondence with lacy cursive.

TNIAAM is an absolute magician. And further proof of this in a discussion of Doug Marrone's panty-dropping minivan. The LaGreat is such a superior name for a minivan.

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Can someone please explain to me why it’s spelled “Dog Walk” on the wall, but “Dawg Walk” on the sign directly next to it? Anyone?

by RaginCajunRebel on Jun 17, 2009 10:02 AM EDT reply actions

Bold move, Orson. I agree with your sentiments, but for such a lofty wager, I would have said four years—not because I don’t think Kiffin will crash and burn in spectacular fashion, but because the UT athletic department will have to give him at least 4 years. The $$ they’ve invested in that staff, and the buyouts that would result from giving them the boot have to be amortized over a long period, and that extra year will allow them more time to save their wooden nickels up for the next savior.

by CKGAtor on Jun 17, 2009 10:05 AM EDT reply actions

I’m pretty sure that’s why Orson mentioned it.

by Houston's Nutts on Jun 17, 2009 10:34 AM EDT reply actions

That’s bold, Orson. Consider the achievements cheese industry could make in three years. All the Whole Foods hippies are going to be demanding oil based cheese products so vile you’ll be coughing up preservatives for weeks.

by ChasingMizzou on Jun 17, 2009 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

I’d make you eat a whole block of Velveeta. That seems more appropriate.

How does one go from Pensacola Junior College alum to Vol Fan?

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jun 17, 2009 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

That room looks as if someone let Gallagher smash a lot of pumpkins.

by Anonymous IV on Jun 17, 2009 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

In addition to their Dawg/Dog confusion, there’s a sign encouraging the players to reach their potential “everyday” when they mean “every day.”

by now_a_hoo on Jun 17, 2009 10:43 AM EDT reply actions

#5, good eye on seeing the JC degree. The photo where it is paired with his high school diploma tells a lot more about his academic expectations.

On second thought those walls look more like someone repeatedly puked Tang orange drink on them.

by Anonymous IV on Jun 17, 2009 10:46 AM EDT reply actions

Extend the bet to four years, as per CKGator’s rationale, and I will eat an eight-ounce block of cheese and drive around for one year with an orange-“T” front license plate on my car.

by Doug on Jun 17, 2009 10:49 AM EDT reply actions

Also, Chan Gailey drives a Buick L’Average.

by Doug on Jun 17, 2009 10:51 AM EDT reply actions

Well, you’re splitting hairs, now_a_hoo, so I guess I will too.

“Everyday” is an adjective that means commonplace, ordinary, or normal.

“Every day” means “each day.”

So, I don’t see the conflict in which you point out.

by theBunkis on Jun 17, 2009 10:55 AM EDT reply actions

I also love how schools feel compelled to include the “TM” on logos that they use at their own facilities. I mean, it makes sense on merchandise, but did you really need to laser engrave the TM next to your new logo on that metal plaque? Really?

by Year2 on Jun 17, 2009 10:58 AM EDT reply actions

Disregard my comment, now_a_hoo. I got confused.

by theBunkis on Jun 17, 2009 11:01 AM EDT reply actions

UF’s go-to attorney is a horny old fart: http://deadspin.com/5291398/florida-gators-go

by ALGator on Jun 17, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

As a long time friend of Mr. Swindle, let me just say that I hope you people appreciate the magnitude of this wager. The thought of him having to be in the room with cheese, much less consume it, has me ALMOST rooting for Tennessee to not completely suck.

by Stranko Montana on Jun 17, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

I love the high class of the Tennessee room, as exhibited by the window with the random white lace at the top and the Tennessee jersey hanging from the blinds. That’s grade A interior decorating there.

by cocknfire on Jun 17, 2009 11:08 AM EDT reply actions

the “When your opponent signs his correspondence with lacy cursive” link should probably be www dot sportslogos dot net/logo.php?id=2479 (And apparently, I can’t post a link)

The one you have directly to the image just errors out.

by Not You on Jun 17, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

A Stranko sighting!

I like cheese, but would also heave if faced with a block of limburger.

I’m shocked – SHOCKED – to see misspellings in and around major college football programs.

by ohiodawg on Jun 17, 2009 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

As a lifelong cheese-hater, I salute you for the sentence “Cheese is bad milk that can walk around,” although it did trigger repressed memories of my parents’ forcing me to drink spoiled milk. (Our milk was spoiled more often than not because our refrigerator never worked properly and my parents were too cheap to replace it. Ah, childhood . . . .)

by HudiBlitz on Jun 17, 2009 11:21 AM EDT reply actions

@14:
It’s called ‘street cred’.

by Boozy McHound on Jun 17, 2009 11:33 AM EDT reply actions

Alas! A kindred spirit! I too abhore cheese (except Pizza Cheese, which really isn’t food, but a form of alcohol-absorbing sponge). Such a wager does not go lightly with me, and I do hope you are correct, Orson…would not wish that on anyone….

by Stan Gable on Jun 17, 2009 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

At least they’re “telling unique stories.” Check out that Dawg Walk! As best I can piece together, apparently the Mississippi State football players walk through a crowd of fans to enter the stadium! Isn’t that crazy? I bet there’s spirit music, and focused intensity, and everything! Of course, not being privy to the unique traditions of Mississippi State, this is pure conjecture. Can any Ole Miss fans share some other traditions unique to Mississippi State football?

by chg on Jun 17, 2009 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

Well, you’ve recruited at least one new ensign to the Vol Navy, Orson. And, brother, have I got the cheese for you: <a href=" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_marzu"

by Harris on Jun 17, 2009 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

A wondrous wager!
Whether shat, puke’d, or eaten
Chesse looks like U.T.

by SECHaiku on Jun 17, 2009 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

#23

Holy shit! -100 cocktails to you! And here I thought blood sausage was the worst thing I could eat!

by Touchdown74 on Jun 17, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

Merely linking to that “casu marzu” nightmare should be prosecuted as a hate crime against turophobes.

by SonOfBuckeye on Jun 17, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

I liked the ever-so-classy framed picture of the coaches with bowling shirts on. This isn’t fucking Wisconsin, Lane. Learn to frat properly.

by JimHalpert on Jun 17, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

Doug, I’ve got one of these lying around that you’ll be welcome to.

by Holly on Jun 17, 2009 5:53 PM EDT reply actions

Wasn’t expecting to see a guy I went to high school with when I clicked on the Tennessee room.

by jm2 on Jun 17, 2009 6:15 PM EDT reply actions

I live in Japan. For 2 years I drove a Honda Odyssey. It was called an “Odyssey”. Said so right on the back. I’ve been in Japan off and on for 14 years. Never seen a “LaGreat”.

I’ve seen the Daihatsu “Naked”.

I’ve seen the Suzuki “Every Joypop”

I’ve seen the Toyota “Hilux Surf” (known in the States as a 4Runner)

There’s too many wacky names to count. But the Odyssey is the Odyssey.

by Nate on Jun 17, 2009 10:01 PM EDT reply actions