The offices of the USC Athletic Department.

USC: Athletic Department, this is Tim speaking.

NCAA Investigator Blackburn: Yes, I’ve been trying to reach the USC Athletic Department for a year now.

Tim: Yes, I’m sorry. Let me transfer you.

Pete Carroll, leaning out of his office excitedly: Ready?

Tim: [nods quickly.] Transferring, hold please.

Pete: Hello?

NCAA Investigator Blackburn: Yes. Is this Coach Carroll?

Pete: You betcha. How you doing, Inspector Blackburn?

NCAA: Yes, I’m trying to reach Athletic Director Mike Garrett, actually.

Pete: Oh, sure. I’ll transfer you. Sorry about that! (Giggles, presses a few buttons.)

Tim’s phone rings.

Tim: Hello?

NCAA: Yes, I’m sorry. Is this AD Garrett’s office?

Tim: No, I’m sorry, you’re reached the office of Commodore Diarrheamouth.

NCAA: You know, I’m getting tired of this. I’ve been calling for six months and–

Tim: (in preposterously bad British accent) I SAY, FARTY POOPENZATZERSCHMITT, full steam ahead and to the mainsail the fart pumps to VIC-TRAY!!!!

NCAA: This–

Tim: (one long stream of disgusting farting noises made into the receiver)

NCAA: If you don’t transfer me–BEEP!!!

Carroll: Hello?

NCAA: Yes, Coach Carroll. I’m sorry to disturb you again, but someone in the AD’S office has been–

Carroll: Making fart noises into the phone?

NCAA: Exactly! How’d you know?

Carroll: It’s an employee with a bipolar disorder of some sort. He’s related to an important donor. I’m so sorry about that.

Blackburn: Yes. Well, if I could discuss this with you, we have some questions about the Reggie Bush case–

Carroll: I’ll have to transfer you to my associate.

NCAA: Your associate? But this is a question for yo–

Carroll: I have to warn you, his language can be quite colorful.

NCAA: Wait, You did this last ti–

Carroll: (farts into the receiver)

NCAA: NOOOOOOO—

Tim: THIS IS COMMODORE DIARRHEAMOUTH! How may I be of serphfffffTTTGGLLLGGHHHHHH (endless stream of farting noises)

[transfers]

Carroll: [makes farting noises with mouth theatrically on phone, holding it arm's length]

[transfers]

Tim: FPHLHHHHLAAAGHHHHH I say that one was particularly savage :LFKFFFKLLGGHhhhZZZKGGSHHsssZZZZ EGADS!!!

[transfers]

Carroll: ….

NCAA: Yes?

Carroll: …

NCAA: Hello?

Carroll: Inspector Blackburn?

NCAA: Yes, coach, I just want–

Carroll: FLALLLLLGGGHHFlfkfdjlskdfjFFFGHHHh [even louder stream of farting noises]

NCAA: [click!]

Carroll: Win forever, Commodore Diarrheamouth.

Tim: Win forever, Coach.

(Repeat until desired results are achieved.)

Additional farting dialogue: Oops Pow, of course.