CURIOUS INDEX, 6/15/09

by Orson on Jun 15, 2009 8:36 AM EDT

Forget ridealongs. If you want Florida players to behave appropriately, just have a 300 foot tall version of Albert climb from the depths of nearby swamps and scare the bejeezus out of all of them. Ridealongs are for pussies: mescaline hallucinations will do the trick. Don't make Coach Urban bring the 300 foot monster back to stop you from breaking the law, son.

Fortunately, Florida has a very good lawyer--this is quite literal, he's real, and he's fantastic--and keeps most of the petty cases football players get themselves tangled in from getting too far into the judicial system. Because we're very corrupt and very successful unlike any other football program in the nation, that's why. It's the answer you want to hear, so we gave it to you. (You're welcome.)

Numbers provide no solace. Nine felonies is really the most damaging stat you'll find here.

Seriously, get the damn Woo machine working. We have two qbs on the roster. Tennessee's gambit of going with only two qbs on this year's roster--and, in a fact universally recognized, two less-than-satisfactory ones at that--comes down to the ability to recruit one for 2010 and beyond, i.e. someone like Jesse Scroggins, a four-star (Rivals) recruit who camps with Florida on Tuesday of this week and then heads to Knoxville for the full WOO! machine treatment. Otherwise, him Orgeron gone make hisself a Cajun qb golem, pour a gallon ah bourbon into hole in da ground wiffa ol' Saints jersey, and hopeah getta Bobby Hebert zombie playah qwattahback fuh Tennassee.

Guide to becoming popular: putting people with cancer in jail. The NCAA has to release the details of Florida State's appeal to the NCAA or face jail time or a $1,000 fine, according to Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum. A new degree of "we don't play" altogether is reached by threatening to arrest someone with cancer, State of Florida.

Come on, Dave. Cincinnati qb Tony Pike doesn't get the one question from Tony Pike that we would have asked him: "Do you think playing quarterback this season will be easier now that you don't have A BROKEN FOREARM?"

BONUS SIXTH ITEM!!! Pasty men with dinner knives in their mouths drinking heavily and wearing funny clothing!

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Comments

Paging your inner Hunter S. Thompson, O?

by Whitespeedreceiver on Jun 15, 2009 8:41 AM EDT reply actions

More like the Tennessee Williams of college football.

Tennessee Woo!!

by Barbecue Hashmark on Jun 15, 2009 9:39 AM EDT reply actions

But would Albert wear a pair of Nike shox?

by StuBone on Jun 15, 2009 9:41 AM EDT reply actions

Note that McCollum got his bachelor’s and JD at UF. Go Gators!

by Ben on Jun 15, 2009 9:58 AM EDT reply actions

Orson may never ascend to the Vallhalla of “Spicy Living Alumnus”, but the white coat coupled with the captured moment of blissful introspection suggests he’s a shoe-in for “Mellow, yet Full-Flavored” status.

by CincySooner on Jun 15, 2009 10:05 AM EDT reply actions

Tony Pike is just relieved he doesn’t have to wear a tie in the shower anymore, now that Dantonio’s gone.

When Pike says things haven’t always been good for Cincinnati football, that translates into there were times when you could just walk into the stadium when a game was being played and never be asked for a ticket.

by OhioDawg on Jun 15, 2009 10:31 AM EDT reply actions

Not only is the Sun Devil a little too jaunty, he’s got terrible taste in shoes. You’d think that the Prince of Darkness could get a little something better than those nasty white things. At the very least, get something color coordinated that doesn’t look like you need orthotic arches.

I have to think that Albert would either go ‘barefoot’ or sport some gator-skin Tony Lama’s.

by Bill C. on Jun 15, 2009 10:44 AM EDT reply actions

As they say in NYC, white is this year’s black. The knife in mouth thing must be avant garde haute coiture, though.

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 15, 2009 10:50 AM EDT reply actions

If there was a playoff system, we’d be able to put USC and Florida up against one another in the very successful and very corrupt championship game, but noooooooo, we have to go with a money-making cartel putting numbers on top of a beauty contest.

When will the President step in??!?!?!?

by dc trojan on Jun 15, 2009 10:56 AM EDT reply actions

The patch of chest carpet does distract from the look a little bit, though.

by JD on Jun 15, 2009 11:48 AM EDT reply actions

The only good thing about the 2008 season were the stories of UGA fans literally drinking Tempe, AZ dry.

by Darkknight on Jun 15, 2009 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

Aren’t McCollum’s efforts on behalf of reFSU simply done to ensure all the slimy, gory details and permutations of TKW’s defense of Bobby, er, reFSU are aired for all to see? The claptrap about the taxpayer’s desire and right to know are a mere smoke-screen to providing comedic and embarrassing insight into the stinky, dank cellar that is reFSU’s administration.

No, I have no bone to pick here…why do you ask?

by sb on Jun 15, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

The little football field in the middle of nowhere is ASU’s practice facility up in northern Arizona, for those who were a little confused by the apparent randomness.

by Erik on Jun 15, 2009 2:04 PM EDT reply actions