Forget ridealongs. If you want Florida players to behave appropriately, just have a 300 foot tall version of Albert climb from the depths of nearby swamps and scare the bejeezus out of all of them. Ridealongs are for pussies: mescaline hallucinations will do the trick. Don’t make Coach Urban bring the 300 foot monster back to stop you from breaking the law, son.

Fortunately, Florida has a very good lawyer–this is quite literal, he’s real, and he’s fantastic–and keeps most of the petty cases football players get themselves tangled in from getting too far into the judicial system. Because we’re very corrupt and very successful unlike any other football program in the nation, that’s why. It’s the answer you want to hear, so we gave it to you. (You’re welcome.)

Numbers provide no solace. Nine felonies is really the most damaging stat you’ll find here.

Seriously, get the damn Woo machine working. We have two qbs on the roster. Tennessee’s gambit of going with only two qbs on this year’s roster–and, in a fact universally recognized, two less-than-satisfactory ones at that–comes down to the ability to recruit one for 2010 and beyond, i.e. someone like Jesse Scroggins, a four-star (Rivals) recruit who camps with Florida on Tuesday of this week and then heads to Knoxville for the full WOO! machine treatment. Otherwise, him Orgeron gone make hisself a Cajun qb golem, pour a gallon ah bourbon into hole in da ground wiffa ol’ Saints jersey, and hopeah getta Bobby Hebert zombie playah qwattahback fuh Tennassee.

Guide to becoming popular: putting people with cancer in jail. The NCAA has to release the details of Florida State’s appeal to the NCAA or face jail time or a $1,000 fine, according to Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum. A new degree of “we don’t play” altogether is reached by threatening to arrest someone with cancer, State of Florida.

Come on, Dave. Cincinnati qb Tony Pike doesn’t get the one question from Tony Pike that we would have asked him: “Do you think playing quarterback this season will be easier now that you don’t have A BROKEN FOREARM?”

BONUS SIXTH ITEM!!! Pasty men with dinner knives in their mouths drinking heavily and wearing funny clothing!