29 ALTERNATE NAMES FOR COLT MCCOY
by Orson on Jun 9, 2009 4:26 PM EDT
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PrintYou will get tired of hearing his name, especially when ABC begins to pump its Big 12 lineup starting in October and you start looking LIVE at Brent Musburger's face-plant into the Big 12 South schedule. This won't be Colt McCoy's fault at all, because he's quite good, and guilty only of that and playing for a high profile team and probable national title contender (along with perennial stiff-armed trophy candidate, if you care about that sort of thing.)
Ahhh, Colt McCoy, WHATTAPLAYA: Prepare for a Musburgering unseen since Maurice Clarett and his lint roller rolled through the dirty streets of Columbus.
To alleviate this problem ahead of time, we offer up 29 alternate names for Colt McCoy. See? You've heard the name so many times you don't even realize how outrageously fake his name really is: part firearm, horse, and Scottish, with just a hint of prominent car dealership owner and porn star thrown in. You let it trip off your tongue like it doesn't reek of Walker, Texas Ranger script without even noticing, so used to the absurdity of it are you.
It's a shame repetition bleeds the novelty out of even the weirdest things, but it happens. Therefore, college football fans, we present the Official Alternative But Equivalent Names for Colt McCoy for 2009.
Horse O'Shy
McClain Dudeflinch
Bear Canebreak
Python Smith
Hawk Cantanker
Magnum O'Reilly
Snake Triscuit
Patterson O'Buffalochickentender
Bacon McLean
Fizzbitch McLanahan
Prariedog Campbell
Kentigern Smithenwessen
Broncoface Fraser
Tavish McAwesomeblossom
Glockpheasant McGillicuddy
Armalite Kerr-Rattlesnake
Winchester Stewart
Remington Ponymaster
Mikel McArmistice Poplarfist
Bell Windraper
Thomas Alva Ladyflowerpuncher
Donnan Lambfister
Tek-9 Findley
Mingus Deathrattle
Tartan Hollowpointer
Deertick Docherty
Derringer Shinkick
Shybones O'Reilly
Use them well. (Inspired by this, of course.)
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“Big McLargehuge”
“Slab Beefchunk”
“Gristle McThornbody”
/props to MST3K
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Jun 9, 2009 4:39 PM EDT reply actions
Glad to see some gun names finally make it in. I remember in the previous “goofy college football player name list” these were conspicuously absent. At the time I suggested Remington McTucket.
by Tim on Jun 9, 2009 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
Surprising number of traditional names in my family on this list.
By the way, Ladyflowerpuncher is an Ellis Island name: McC*ntThumper was just too much for the delicate souls in immigration.
by dc trojan on Jun 9, 2009 5:04 PM EDT reply actions
Prariedog Campbell is my favorite. Simple and to the point.
My suggestions:
Jackson Steed
Wild Bill Hammertooth
Slugger Conway
Burt Blazer
by wreck17 on Jun 9, 2009 5:27 PM EDT reply actions
KelTec RhesusMonkey
XD Anteater
Kimber TimberOwl
This could pretty much go on forever. MST3K inspires us all.
by Scotch Drinker on Jun 9, 2009 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
Orson,
You have no idea how badly my day needed a dose of MST3K.
1,000 Gatorades to you sir.
by PeayHog on Jun 9, 2009 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
Taint Nearmiss
Spurt O’Handy
Blue Steele
Nomo Cherry
by stevechas on Jun 9, 2009 7:20 PM EDT reply actions
I would have thought this was the genesis for the post….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckGmMO0zbJo
“Kriglebert Fishtybuns”
by Pinto on Jun 9, 2009 7:23 PM EDT reply actions
Nice names all around. For my selection, I’m going to use a name of an actual person. It’s a guy I went to high school with. The greatest redneck name of all-time: Remington Winchester Budd. No shit. Really. I’m from Louisiana so that should be all the explanation you need.
by Brizzle on Jun 9, 2009 7:24 PM EDT reply actions
Squire McGhee
(It’s actually a real name of some guy in the newest issue of AboutTown magazine, Birmingham’s social event publication.)
Ruger Mcdonough
by Kecalf bailey on Jun 9, 2009 7:30 PM EDT reply actions
“Fizzbitch McLanahan”
No wonder Colt McCoy can run as fast as a Kenyan
by RBurn on Jun 9, 2009 10:16 PM EDT reply actions
The MST3K and Eddie Izzard references are ones I know and love, but my first guess as to the genesis of this post was
by Jube0 on Jun 9, 2009 11:19 PM EDT reply actions
now that I think about it, Deboned Gary Wobbly-Arms would be an unfortunate quarterback name …
by Jube0 on Jun 9, 2009 11:27 PM EDT reply actions
I, too, sticking with the gun themed names would go with Winchester Hatfield, the bane of all McCoys in these here parts, even since Colts middle school days, Winchester was a helluva a free safety that couldnt be burnt deep or faked out scrambling. This shit goes wayyyyyy back: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatfield-McCoy_feud
Hell, most of them were from Mingo County, so whaddya expect? Mingovia Rules!
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jun 10, 2009 12:57 AM EDT reply actions
@15: In honor of that post I will only refer to Colt McCoy as Slutbum Waller.
by AERose on Jun 10, 2009 5:53 AM EDT reply actions
Ha. He said “McGhee.” Ha. Ha.
Relatedly, or not, I just realized not long ago that “Tebow” must be a corruption of a French surname. Tebow is a dirty Frenchie!
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jun 10, 2009 9:05 AM EDT reply actions
You mean Douglas McCoy right?
THat kid who made up his own nickname? What an idiot, always going around telling people his nickname was Colt, even though everyone called him Luker. That bastard kept us from making up senior t-shirts because we put everyone’s nicknames on them and we were going to put Luker but he pitched a hissie fit about it to such a point that we weren’t even allowed to have senior t-shirts that year. He threatend to sue the school if we put Luker on his t-shirt, what a douche bag.
by Lunger on Jun 10, 2009 9:24 AM EDT reply actions
Actual names listed on the Mercer football roster per the 1926-28 yearbooks:
Phoney Smith
Ralph Skelton
Red Bond
Ginny Wilder
Joe Power
Red Nightengale
Whup Pierce
Six Salter
Buck Loser
Bit Pierce
Hicky Godby
Baggy Mallard
Art Wright
Skinny Gear
Wally Butts (HOF UGA coach – Trippi, Sinkwich, Tarkenton, etc.).
by NRBQ on Jun 10, 2009 10:27 AM EDT reply actions
Scope McStud
Twelvebore McFreeride
Jockitch P. Diddy
Derringer McSlantpass
Exocet D. Zeeroute
by BurbankSteve on Jun 10, 2009 8:27 PM EDT reply actions
I swear to you all, during one of the first televised games of his freshman year, my wife turns to me and says, “Colt McCoy? Why didn’t his parents just name him ‘Bubba McDumbass’?”
Ever since that point, he is affectionately known in my home as “Bubba McDumbass”. Helluva football player though.
by Atlantadomer on Jun 10, 2009 9:09 PM EDT reply actions
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