Sometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we’re encoding college football internet commenters by school. Your next helpful bit of code: the operating system for an Alabama fan.

roll_tide_with_pitchers_of_beer_01

Code: BEGIN “ALABAMA OS12NC”

10 SCAN for (”Auburn Fan”)

20 IF (”Auburn Fan”)=”present” SKIP to 90

30 IF (”Finebaum column”) THEN 40

40 SCAN (”Finebaum column”) IF “Flattering” THEN PRINT “email”=”YOU’LL TURN ON US SOON I KNOW IT”

50 SCAN (”Finebaum column”) IF “unflattering” THEN RUN program “SLASH COLUMNISTS TIRES AND SEND DEATH THREAT.” NEXT

60 IF (Team’s win % >.500) CITE (Present excellence) RELATIVE TO (object defined: “anything at all.”

70 IF (Topic) = (Coaches) THEN Print (”Bear Bryant”) 400 times

90 PRINT “12 NATIONAL TITLES YOU COWFUCKING FARMTARDS”

100 REPEAT 90 SKIP 90 REPEAT (RECURRENT LOOP)

110 IF (query) = “Iron Bowl 2002–2007″) PRINT “FILE NOT FOUND” NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT

120 SCAN (room) =”Utah fan” THEN command SCREAM=”Freaky Mormon bastards damn you and your flapping titties Andre Smith” THEN (EXIT)

130 VOMIT IF (”conversation”) sub (Object contains ["Shula, Mike]) PATH ["garbage can"] direction=["INTO OR AROUND AS BEST AS ONE CAN MANAGE"]

140 OBJECT RULE=(current coach) + (even a legitimate criticism) RE: (current coach) THEN command RUN FATAL ERROR

140 IF steps 10-130 SCAN=(Code: Unapplicable) THEN command YELL “ROLL TIDE ROLL” until SERIES END=”Never.”