COMMENTERS BY CODE: ALABAMA
by Orson on Jun 4, 2009 3:30 PM EDT
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PrintSometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we're encoding college football internet commenters by school. Your next helpful bit of code: the operating system for an Alabama fan.
Code: BEGIN "ALABAMA OS12NC"
10 SCAN for ("Auburn Fan")
20 IF ("Auburn Fan")="present" SKIP to 90
30 IF ("Finebaum column") THEN 40
40 SCAN ("Finebaum column") IF "Flattering" THEN PRINT "email"="YOU'LL TURN ON US SOON I KNOW IT"
50 SCAN ("Finebaum column") IF "unflattering" THEN RUN program "SLASH COLUMNISTS TIRES AND SEND DEATH THREAT." NEXT
60 IF (Team's win % >.500) CITE (Present excellence) RELATIVE TO (object defined: "anything at all."
70 IF (Topic) = (Coaches) THEN Print ("Bear Bryant") 400 times
90 PRINT "12 NATIONAL TITLES YOU COWFUCKING FARMTARDS"
100 REPEAT 90 SKIP 90 REPEAT (RECURRENT LOOP)
110 IF (query) = "Iron Bowl 2002--2007") PRINT "FILE NOT FOUND" NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT
120 SCAN (room) ="Utah fan" THEN command SCREAM="Freaky Mormon bastards damn you and your flapping titties Andre Smith" THEN (EXIT)
130 VOMIT IF ("conversation") sub (Object contains ["Shula, Mike]) PATH ["garbage can"] direction=["INTO OR AROUND AS BEST AS ONE CAN MANAGE"]
140 OBJECT RULE=(current coach) + (even a legitimate criticism) RE: (current coach) THEN command RUN FATAL ERROR
140 IF steps 10-130 SCAN=(Code: Unapplicable) THEN command YELL "ROLL TIDE ROLL" until SERIES END="Never."
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Well done:
120 SCAN (room) ="Utah fan" THEN command SCREAM="Freaky Mormon bastards damn you and your flapping titties Andre Smith" THEN (EXIT)
by The Snake will drive Again! on Jun 4, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
This code is riddled with syntax bugs. I thought you were a professional!
by Tim on Jun 4, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
I’m confused…
Is this the code FOR Cybertide, or is this code WRITTEN BY Cybertide?
by Not You on Jun 4, 2009 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
Tim,
I am not sure you can classify an English grad from UF as a professional coder…
by Jonathan on Jun 4, 2009 4:04 PM EDT reply actions
What the hell are the two tools in the photo drinking from pitchers? Margaritas?
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jun 4, 2009 4:19 PM EDT reply actions
Excellent stuff. There should be a reference to the NCAA (rat bastards) in there somewhere.
by BamaAtty on Jun 4, 2009 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
Something along the lines of:
80 IF “NCAA” RULES AGAINST “Alabama” FOR “Minor infraction” THEN Print (“Total bullshit, they’re out to get us!”)
90 IF “NCAA” RULES AGAINST “Auburn” THEN Print (“Totally justified! Those asshats are cheating, lying conniving bastards and deserve every penalty the NCAA can throw at ’em!”)
100 IGNORE “Contradiction”
?
by Not You on Jun 4, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
Well, if you’ll notice my TOTALLY EXPERT 1981 coding, you could just keep going with your own code here starting with 150.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 4, 2009 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
@8….if I know the Tide, its probably each other’s urine….
by Stan Gable on Jun 4, 2009 4:39 PM EDT reply actions
No Fulmer reference? Nothing sends them into a shrieking rage more quickly than that.
by Vol on Jun 4, 2009 4:44 PM EDT reply actions
@ 14: Great south are dumb joke there. Really inspired stuff.
@ Orson: Yes, to properly capture the spirit of Alabama you need the NCAA and possibly whiskey involved. Otherwise, this is excellent.
by kiffin eats his belly button lint on Jun 4, 2009 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
Guilty. of all of them. @15: Just seeing his name in print sent me over the edge. Need. Bourbon. Now.
by bamagreg on Jun 4, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions
14 tells the truth: this post would be a self fulfilling prophecy, if only they had any clue whatsoever as to what they were actually reading.
by WorstFan on Jun 4, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions
Worst fan and mooncricket:
Orson sums it up best at 90, you cowfucking farmtards.
My personal version at 130 includes an OR function that includes Bill Curry.
by Counter Trap on Jun 4, 2009 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
Orson-
This is the Release 1.00 Code – used by the pickup truck alumni. Alumni are automatically upgraded to Release 3.15 – less profanity, more drinking, and contempt for boogers is replaced with pity (sort of the same feeling you get around the mentally challenged). Both versions do feature hatred for UsluT, reverence for the Bear, and, as the T-shirt once stated – “We’re not arrogant, we’re just better than you” (althought the last feature is more evident in Release 3.15 than 1.00).
by BamaTaxMan on Jun 4, 2009 5:40 PM EDT reply actions
Brilliant.
Although I came here to escape my own code nonsense, I am loving the excessive nerdiness of EDSBS today. Now I’m off to gush about E3 and watch Video Games Live. Whooooooo!!
by Trojan Chica on Jun 4, 2009 7:36 PM EDT reply actions
http://www.thebuckeyebattlecry.com/?p=914
We just have nothing else to be proud about at this point….just give this one to us. Please. We need it. Small victories keep us from never waking up.
by buckeyefaithful on Jun 4, 2009 10:24 PM EDT reply actions
buckeyefaithful,
That was actually a pretty funny link. Nonetheless, is it 0-9 now? Or 0-8? I have trouble remembering the total number of tOSU losses to us illiterate hillbillies.
by Mr. Shuler Goes to Washington on Jun 5, 2009 12:21 AM EDT reply actions
You’re not necessarily illiterate.
Well, OK yes you are….but you’re also ignorant.
1988
Ohio State 36
LSU 33
by buckeye on Jun 5, 2009 12:47 AM EDT reply actions
To clarify, tOSU is 0-9 vs. the SEC in BOWL GAMES. The LSU game referenced was during the regular season and gave us an indication of how John Cooper would work out. Beat a team in preconference that is good (LSU won SECW that year) while Bucks were 4-6-1. Then lose to Michigan at the end of the year. Repeat that 10 years out of 13 and top it with a 3-8 bowl record, losing your last two games 6 times.
No, I’m not bitter.
by Crabapple Buck on Jun 5, 2009 7:46 AM EDT reply actions
Setting the record straight:
A. OSU still O-fer in bowl games vs. the SEC
B. There was no SECW in 1988.
C. LSU did go 6-1 in the SEC and 8-4 overall in ’88.
D. One of the conference wins was over Bill Curry, so technically that should count as 2/3 of a win or something.
by Counter Trap on Jun 5, 2009 9:34 AM EDT reply actions
Re: OS12NC and 90 PRINT "12 NATIONAL TITLES YOU COWFUCKING FARMTARDS"
I think your # of national championships is understated by 50*
*excludes recruiting MNC’s
by Geaux Irish on Jun 5, 2009 10:08 AM EDT reply actions
I grew up with the guy on the left in the pic. He is one of my best friends. He graduated from FSU and went into the USAF, and is now a captain and could probably take out half the people in a room at any given time. The guy on the right is his friend from the USAF, who is a Bama lifer. I have seen this picture before and damn near fell out of my chair when I saw it this time. Way to dig deep Orson!
by Eric on Jun 5, 2009 2:39 PM EDT reply actions
What would the response be for the following?
IF(query) = ("Music City Bowl 1998″)
Don’t worry, you Tiders will have your chance for revenge in a few months.
by Hokie in MD on Jun 8, 2009 8:44 PM EDT reply actions
yo,chokie in md.: your overrated team will not only have its ass whipped Labor Day weekend,but will lose in Scott Stadium on Thanksgiving weekend. expect to lose at least 4 games. top ten ,your ass.
by cville bob on Jun 28, 2009 6:03 PM EDT reply actions
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