COMMENTER CODE MADE EASY
Sometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we’re encoding college football internet commenters by school. Notre Dame fans, we’ll save you the trouble by alerting you that BUTTHURT is present, skip to step 50 and proceed.
PROGRAM CODE “NotreDameCommenter@aol.com”
IF “notre dame” PLUS “EDSBS” THEN “mandatory philbinpic.jpg” NOT “Deadspin”=”Gay_Brady_Quinn.jpg
10 INPUT: “Notre Dame”
20 IF (Mention of ND) Then (EXAMINE FOR SIGNS OF BUTTHURT)
30 IF (Mention of ND)=(lack of BUTTHURT minus FLATTERY) then SKIP TO 50
40 IF (BUTTHURT=PRESENT) then NEXT
50 RUN “BUNKER MENTALITY” NEXT
60 Type COMMENT 1=(accusations of jealousy) + (citations of past glory you had nothing to do with)
70 IF COMMENT 1 clash (malfunction RIPOSTE) THEN NEXT
80 RUN “WILLINGHAM EXCUSE” NEXT
90 IF “WILLINGHAM EXCUSE” clash (malfunction timeframe expired) THEN REPEAT
100 If REPEAT = (clash malfunction) RUN “IMPENDING SUCCESS” NEXT
110 “IMPENDING SUCCESS”= type (”Signs of improvement”) + (”highly touted recruiting classes”) + (”Get your shots in now”) NEXT
120 REPEAT IN LOOP
130 If 120=FAIL Then RUN “ACADEMIC EXCUSE”
140 “ACADEMIC EXCUSE”=(”We’re smart and you’ll work for us someday.”) REPEAT
140 END
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1
DrBundy says:
Would “SEC fans are dumb” (and the like) comments be considered part of “Bunker Mentality” or is that a different code altogether?
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
2
Wes Wolfe says:
For Alabama it would be “DuBose/Franchione/Shula excuse.” But, then Tide fans would start laughing and saying, “Hey, we beat the shit out of Tennessee and Auburn last year! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
3
NewAZTiger says:
GoTurtle 100,3
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
4
NatiJacket says:
#1
No, because SEC fans ARE dumb.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
5
domer.mq says:
Holy Carp, you’re running the site on COBOL?
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
6
Expat Ohioan says:
Don’t forget the artifact code DAVIE EXCUSE. It isn’t run anymore, but it’s still part of the program.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
7
Expat Ohioan says:
Oh, and you missed the MICHIGAN’S WORSE Service Pack distributed last year.
/geek off
(My wife wishes that really worked)
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
8
Crabapple Buck says:
Where is “Gay_Jimmy_Clausen.jpg stored?
Also, there is never an END. That is part of the problem.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
9
yoyofutbawl says:
As I was forced to take computer programming in the days of punch cards, even looking at this gives me pain. COBOL & FORTRAN are the devil’s work. AGGGGHHHH, how I hated that course. Two computer terminals for the whole biz skool.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
10
CKGator says:
I’ll ask, yet again: Can someone please show me where Notre Dame’s alleged high academic rankings are? I have yet to see any data supporting this…
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
11
Stan Gable says:
CKGator:
They are in the same file with Charlie Weiss’ losing seasons…….
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
12
Holly says:
There’s an easy short-circuit workaround, which involves cutting them off by telling them that’s not very Christian. Doesn’t seem to work on SEC partisans who properly place Football Jesus above Carpenter Jesus, but it can induce hilarious malfunctions in Domer operation.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
13
CrimsonCommodore says:
@ #3 NewAZTiger
You are not alone. I laughed out loud when I remembered the days of GoTurtle. That memory came from somewhere deep and nearly forgotten…
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
14
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Dept:
Nothing on beating the Academies? I think ND is thinking of substituting Navy with the Merchant Marines on their schedule…
Nothing on BC now being the top Catholic Univ in America?
Monsignor Swindle was too easy on the Domies.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
15
ohiodawg says:
Hilarious.
Did Orson enter the first comment under alias I wonder? It’s weak for the breed, but typical.
Holly – The ND grads I know wouldn’t even be slowed down by suggestions that their own assholiness is unholy.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
16
Sean F says:
Orson,
Pogue ma thoin!
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
17
IrishEyes82 says:
They day all you jokers stop dissing Notre Dame is the day I start believing you all don’t have little green envious hearts:-)
GO IRISH! STILL COOLER THAN ALL OF YOU EVEN WHEN WE SUCK!
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:22 pm
18
SpartanDan says:
Was there any particular reason you chose COBOL for the Notre Dame commenter? Seems appropriate, though; after all, even in 1975 it was said that “the use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense”.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
19
NewAZTiger says:
#13 – perhaps we could make some retro-shirts and sell them to the Terrapins.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
20
dc trojan says:
Considering that the last major OS upgrade for the one true Church was concluded with the deployment of SECV 2.0 in 1965, there’s no need to mock the use of COBOL – after all, they were upgrading from vellum-based punchcards, it was a big leap, and COBOL’s robust enough to go the distance.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
21
yoyofutbawl says:
18
1975. Damn. Wish that were the case in spring 1973. My only D in collitch.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
22
Counter Trap says:
Freudian take:
Orson is steeling himself for Pope Urban’s eventual trip up north and it just happened to creep out in a brilliant way.
One glaring omission however: There has to be a subroutine in there for the bizarre ritual of Lou Holth showing up at pep rallies. I mean, what the hell is that?
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
23
Officer Tim says:
“Someday”?
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
24
GamecockTony says:
@Counter – or just steeling himself for the upcoming 11-1 ND season – based on their schedule a distinct possibility.
@DCTrojan – it’s comments like that that make me think this site has some of the smartest readers of the blogosphere. Well done. (Even if the Southern Baptists didn’t get it.)
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
25
Wooderson says:
CKGator – If you want evidence of the higher academic standards, perhaps the team Average GPA (3.0+), general lack of presence in the fulmer cup standings (we got one DUI last year,woohoo), or the graduation rate in the 90’s, all things which your school, um, doesn’t have (and yes I’d trade it all for 2 MNC’s, I ‘m not an idiot).
SKLM, if BC was the best Catholic school in the country, USNWR wouldn’t have ranked them lower than us AND Georgetown in every edition they’ve ever printed. also USMMA is DIII, I believe, and since we’re one of 5 schools to never have scheduled a 1AA team, I don’t think they’ll be on our schedule (kudos to your squad for being one of those other 5). Enjoy the hate now, but when you guys lose scholarhsips and have your BCS title stripped, well, I promise not to rub it in, because yes, we are better than you (decade of dominance notwithstanding)
I’m optimistic, but one look at the schedule and 11-1 is really not that far-fetched.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
26
BamaTaxMan says:
@DCTrojan and Gamecock Tony
You made this ex-Southern Baptist think (and Wikipedia) on the SECV 2.0 reference.
As far a COBOL is concerned, let’s properly extend the name – COmmon Bullshit Oriented Language (or, the worst six semester hours of my college career).
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
27
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
ND Fans -> Mice That Roar Dept:
#25, Wooderson: Lighten’ up, dude, it is the offseason and I could not resist a little jab or two at your Leperchauns. I thought I did ok by not piling on Charlie this time, rubbing in USC’s dominance, nor bringing up random ND items (pro-abortion-Obama-fiasco-graduation-speech-coupled-with-Obama-making-fun-of-ND-later, HAAAA!).
But, I will take the bait, and in the spirit of the rivalry (or whatever is left of it) respond:
1) All of those citations you cite regarding ND being academically ranked higher than BC also cite USC’s professional schools ahead of ND (Law, Bidniss, blah, blah, blah). And, undergraduate ratings wise both USC and ND fight it out in the 20’s. Whoopty do, no offense, but ND and USC AIN’T Harvard or Yale, and who really cares anyway? Saying you are better than me?….Man, that was deep. Ha!
2) USC probation. I doubt there will be serious sanctions, if any. But, if there are any, you better keep your trap shut (like you promise), though I doubt other Domies will…..
3) 11-1?. Stating stupid stuff like this (even with the easy schedule that took years to put together) just proves my point that the gray matter of ND fans is not as high as BC fans. I still cannot believe your Domies are chickening out of playing BC, even if they have proved once and for all that ND IS Fredo, and not the other way around.
cheers!
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
28
YoGel says:
Notre Dame does not consider BC to be a rival. Are they disliked? Yes. Are they considered an equal? No.
Not sayin’ it’s right, but Notre Dame fans will never consider BC as an equal. It might be out of stubbornness, arrogance or what-have-you. But truthfully, when you factor in BC’s football tradition compared to ND’s and the series’s recent birth relative to ND’s actual rivals (ND and Michigan), it really isn’t a rivalry. It’s a chance for BC to prove it belongs with ND, much like a beaten down nerd who finally socks his bully in the face.
ND-BC is a totally one-sided affair. The hatred on BC’s part is so much more magnified and intense than ND’s hatred towards BC, that things become pathetic and awkward at tailgates where BC wins. That or the fact that people from the Northeast are douchebags in general. (see Red Sox fans)
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
29
StG says:
This is getting a little silly, but to be precise while the undergraduate program at ND might not be leaps and bounds ahead of USC’s that’s not the appropriate comparison. What is the appropriate comparison is coupling that excellence with what is permitted by each respective admissions department along with what standard each school holds its FOOTBALL players to. I think you’d be hard pressed not to acknowledge that ND holds its football players to a higher standard academically. Therefore, I could make a reasonable argument that a ND Football Player is generally superior to a USC Football player academically (though certainly not athletically). I am also fully ready to admit that DC Trojan is way more intelligent than I.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
30
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Douchebags Dept:
# 28: YoGel: As a former Northeast resident (who likes the Red Sox, by the way) I must put my two cents in on the “ND vs BC” and “people from the Northeast are douchebags” commentary.
If you survey your average Joe, or Joe-ette I am sure that ND’s tailgates would rate higher on the pathetic and awkward scale (Exhibit A – ND MBA tailgate dancing video) than BC’s. At least BC wins its games, and is not as pathetic as Pear Bryant’s ND teams. (Shout out to “Da Gangsta of Sports – Twitlock” for stealing the Pear Bryant name from the schblogosphere).
Douchebags in the Northeast? YoG, I am sure the Northeast does not have a monopoly on Douchebags, and some live in your neighborhood too.
It’s been fun, but I gotta go, schmoes….
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
31
StG says:
….but not SKLM.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
32
Just another commentor says:
Admit it Orson, the only purpose of this post was to bring SKLM out of off-season (relative) silence.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
33
SpartanDan says:
Wooderson: 11-1? Considering that we haven’t lost in South Bend since Clinton’s first term and you play USC, 11-1 would take at least one miracle. 10-2 seems like a semi-plausible upper bound, but only because you’ll be playing at least eight teams with no shot at respectability.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
34
StG says:
Dear SpartanDan,
Despite ND’s recent struggles against your program, I am still much happier to be a fan of ND than yours. Just saying “MSU Spartans” is boring… And really, outside of a few people in a small portion of Michigan, nobody really cares about MSU’s program. I mean, really cares. You know what I mean?
Respectfully,
StG
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:21 pm
35
Wooderson says:
SKLM, I didn’t disparage your school’s academics. I know it’s a decent school, and obv neither of us are ivies.
As for the “chickening out with BC” thing, the reaosn we shcedueld them was to makehte BLeast happy (so we coudl stick aroudn with BBall)
BC decided to leave, and we decided to pick up UConn instead. We never chickened out of playing them, ever. The ‘09 and ‘10 games were optional contracts, and we picked them up. we don’t duck anyone.
And you still haven’t beaten us 10 times in a row yet…
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:15 pm
36
Domer Guy says:
I love you all.
My prediction: 9-3, with a 9-12 point loss to USC included.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
37
WarChiziken says:
plugged this program into my IBM 610 – it spit out that Clemson would be the Nat’l Champ next year …. guess it falls into the category of “wishful thinking programs”
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 pm
38
North 2 says:
Orson,
When you need to spike traffic/comments for “:sweeps week” (imagine what porn sites would do for sweeps week), do you have a spinner wheel a la the Harvin/Tebow play caller?
I’m thinking, the wheel would have four possibilities
1) ND
2) Iron Bowl
3) Playoffs/BCS
4) Robert E. Lee was a bad man
The resulting firestorm will bring in the cheese .01 cent at a time or whatever the rate is.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:06 am
39
CKGator says:
Wooderson–
I’m not talking about the team. I agree that they do skew more to the student part of student-athlete than many programs. I’m talking about Notre Dame as a University. I hear all the time that it’s such a great and demanding school. I know a lot of kids who got into Notre Dame and their numbers were not that stellar. Nor are the rankings of the university over all….
June 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
40
Wooderson says:
When did they get in?
It’s pretty tough to get in there, I know people who got denied who had some pretty high numbers on SATs and GPA (and subsequently went to BC, which was their safety).
June 4th, 2009 at 11:33 am
41
dc trojan says:
@ GamecockTony – the Augustinians did their best (went to one of their high schools) and plainly some of the knowledge has stuck with me…
@StG – you’re too kind. Thanks to my clients, at the moment I’m not sure I could find my way out of a paper bag if someone were shouting instructions. Mind you, since my clients can’t find the paper bag, at least I’m safe in here.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:57 pm