FULMER CUPDATE: JANORIS JENKINS EATS TASER FOR LUNCH

by Orson on Jun 1, 2009 12:36 PM EDT

We are all now one step closer to Florida winning its first Fulmer Cup in the first year without its actual namesake coaching in the SEC. Florida corner Janoris Jenkins loves his chain for the same reason you love your ostentatious and garish gold chain. You know, the dookie roll you're currently rocking in your desk jobs around the nation, and which no serious professional is without.

An artist's sketch suggests this was how Janoris Jenkins spent at least part of Saturday night.

Someone--most likely a "hater", as defined under Florida judicial code 34.2.882.43--decided to appropriate Jenkins' chain without his permission. Haters do this quite often, both because they are jealous of your immense, uncountable wealth, but also because they often make bad decisions because of sleep deprivation. Losing sleep thinking about your constant success with women, your constantly new and fresh clothing, and your stunning ride and its candy paint will dull a person's ability to choose wisely, but it's not your fault. One rule about haters as defined under criminal law is that they are in a constant state of hating, and will "be hatin'" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There's nothing you can do but keep shinin'.

Or you could try to chase them down, ignore requests from police orders, and get tased by the tasing'est cops in all of Christendom, the Gainesville police department.

The officer then drew out a Taser and told the group stop. At that point, Jenkins hit another person in the head, police reported...Jenkins was hit with one cycle from the Taser, but afterward he stood up and ran away...Police said Jenkins admitted he was fighting with the others because he thought they were trying to steal his chain, according to the report.

Jenkins, one of Florida's starting corners, earns three points in the Fulmer Cup for the two misdemeanor charges (affray, resisting arrest) and one bonus point for being a dumbass while on scholarship at our alma mater. We're this close to appropriating the U gesture for ourselves, and lack only a solid cocaine-based arrest to fully dethroning the U of the 1990s as Thug U. Rick Reilly should be recycling that old line from his piece on Oklahoma any day now.

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As my favorite Gator football player, JJ should know better than to do such things. He becomes #2, being replaced by Ahmad Black. Everyone loses.

by gold man on Jun 1, 2009 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

And now for Jenkins to get the beloved, “indefinite suspension” until the Gainesville DA drops the charges in anywhere from two to six weeks.

This DA is putting a serious problem into Florida continuing their championship ways with a Fulmer Cup. It’s about time he either gets on board, or takes his seat next to Shane in 38F.

by Mr. Sanchez on Jun 1, 2009 1:15 PM EDT reply actions

The best part of Colorado’s troubles a few years ago was to watch PRick Reilly have to apply all the smug BS he said about OU in the 80’s to his alma mater. Douchebag.

by Soonertruth on Jun 1, 2009 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

When asked for comment, Coach Meyer found the tasing to be “harsh.”

How long until the epic nine-minute rap by Florida players is released?

by John on Jun 1, 2009 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

Major Parker doesn’t count? Granted, he’s alumni and a basketball player, but if you’re looking to justify it…

by Headful of Ideas on Jun 1, 2009 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

Until UF has a few brawls on the field, the title of Thug U will remain in Miami.

by Ackos on Jun 1, 2009 1:40 PM EDT reply actions

Is this the first arrest for UF since Tony Joiner broke into the impound lot?

by ALGator on Jun 1, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Give Mickey some credit, JJ got tazed, then got up and RAN? dang. That’s muscle control.

by Boozy McHound on Jun 1, 2009 2:03 PM EDT reply actions

I only would have been worried if the cops had chased him and caught him from behind. As long as he outran them it’s fine with me.

So when the UF strength coach promised that this would be the most difficult offseason conditioning program ever, did he have Tasing in mind?? I guess that would be one way to keep the players motivated…

by baconboy on Jun 1, 2009 2:06 PM EDT reply actions

ha. one on-field brawl in ten years (after miami’s kicker was body slammed) vs. a laundry list of arrests at UF since the arrival of urban and miami still gets called thug U.

keep kidding yourselves gators.

by T_C on Jun 1, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

Affray is a word that just doesn’t get enough airtime although, accustomed as I am to reading about UK soccer, it’s always a bit odd to see affray without grievous bodily harm in close attendance.

by dc trojan on Jun 1, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

He got up from a tasing. Either that wasn’t all 50K volts those things are capable of or….holy crap, I don’t even want to think about it.

by Signal to Noise on Jun 1, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

Meanwhile, the Hogs get their 4th arrest of the offseason, and we’re not even in the standings. Do you get credit for theft of a $1250.00 Hewlitt Crappard laptop if you return it within 24 hours?

by Hawgustus Caesar on Jun 1, 2009 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

@ 6
The SEC and national championships definitely felt like four-hour brawls. I mean, they were at least on-field riots.

by Sam on Jun 1, 2009 3:06 PM EDT reply actions

Ahhh, our old friend “affray” surfaces once again.

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 1, 2009 3:14 PM EDT reply actions

If a taser can’t burn you, god knows a WR isn’t going to. I say kudos, and take the first game off. You’ve earned it.

Also, at least this incident doesn’t have videotape and a UF student screaming like a little girl and then getting replayed ad nauseum in the 24-hr news cycle. All in all, I’d say this is Athletes 1, Student Body 0.

by italiangator on Jun 1, 2009 3:20 PM EDT reply actions

Where’s the fricking Siren? oh that is just for the once in a decade LSU player messing up, not for the yearly GATOR messing up. Nothing to see here…continue on

by JETigER on Jun 1, 2009 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

@yoyofutbawl

Affray, misdemeanor of champions!

by gosouthgohard on Jun 1, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

Best part of the story on espn.com:

Police used a Taser on Jenkins, who punched someone in the head after being told not to.

Can’t you imagine him clenching his fist and raising it as he looks over at the cops who are shaking their heads and saying “uh-uh Janoris, what did we just tell you about punching people in the head?” then doing it anyway?

by PW on Jun 1, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

While a fist to the head of an individual appears to deserve some severe retribution, there will undoubtedly be some mitigating circumstances, what with the “chain” and all. That said, funny how all the “haters” turn to moral equivalency…a bunch of extra-juicy, holier than thou, “you guys suck” which gets slicker and harder to manage with each dog-pile. The Fulmer Cup should, if nothing else, convince any reader that no team is immune to the stunning alacrity with which post-adolescent males attempt feats of social ineptitude.

And, yes, it is indeed amazing that one can outrun cops after being tazed…top 1% of 1% right there…

by sb on Jun 1, 2009 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

Holy Crap tazed? And ran? I don’t think anyone else would want to take the field. He must have been practicing moves like that since childhood. Was he in the middle of fighting five guys by himself? Who is this kid a speedy Paul Bunyon?

by Kiffen's Nueron on Jun 1, 2009 5:51 PM EDT reply actions

I’m surprised someone hasn’t blamed this on Lane Kiffin yet.

by WakeLawVol on Jun 1, 2009 7:26 PM EDT reply actions

Actually, #10, we mostly call it bitch U now.

by Ltrain on Jun 1, 2009 7:48 PM EDT reply actions

Congrats, sb.

You pegged yourself perfectly.

by NRBQ on Jun 1, 2009 9:20 PM EDT reply actions

golly #21. one win in 23 years against freshmen sure does swell up a gator chest with a lot pride, huh?

bitch u.

you are so very clever and adorable you are.

by T_C on Jun 2, 2009 4:04 AM EDT reply actions

NRBQ @ #24…if as a post-adolescent male…how would you know? If as the top 1% of 1%, again, how would you know? Regardless, thanks for the recognition…

by sb on Jun 2, 2009 9:53 AM EDT reply actions

Unlike his nemesises….nemesi…archrivals, Coarch Meyer is not responsible for the affrontery of said affray.

Coarch Meyer’s Nemesisesises would say,
- ye-ah ye-ah…they’re just boys being boys
- I made him run TWO sets of bleachers

However, Coarch Meyer is currently not in control of the program. Coarch Meyer is on summer vacation and S&C coach Marotti is running the program. Following Coarch Meyer’s lead, Coarch Marotti has delegated the (possibly stern) talking-to to an outsourced position.

As soon as the Talking-To Contractor is available, Thug #24 will get a Stern, STERN Talking-To.

by Coarch Meyer's Agent on Jun 2, 2009 10:07 AM EDT reply actions

And you thought the Noles were down and out think again. Three of our 2010 recruits were told
to leave the Nike 7 on 7 in Oregon for trashing the Miami recruits at Northwestern, a team
which featured a brawl last year.

New Seminole recruits that don’t like players from Miami? This can’t be all bad!

by Chop Master on Jul 19, 2009 11:33 AM EDT reply actions