FULMER CUPDATE: AND THE STREETS OF CLEMSON ARE SAFE TONIGHT
by Orson on May 28, 2009 12:06 PM EDT
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Clemson has a long and storied tradition of football excellence. This is not about any of it, and neither is the following story.
Fear not, fair citizens of Clemson. The scourge of drunk scooter driving has been eradicated for the moment thanks to the diligent work of local police and the blind stupidity of starting center Barry Humphries, arrested for a drunk driving charge on May 2nd when he was picked up at 4:59 a.m. by police. Even Dabo Swinney knows this is funny--um, yes, deadly serious:
Even though he was on a motor scooter, we take this charge seriously.
Of course you do: that's why you suspended him two games, even if you were giggling when you did it. By the way, 4:59 is hellaciously late by anyone's standards, and a time when unless you are waking up to lift weights and milk cows (or lift cows and milk weights, if you're a real badass.) If you doubt this, consult the Swindle Nightlife Gazetteer's "Hours/Activities Chart:"
12:00--1:00 a.m.: Dancing. Bar games executed at competent to excellent level. Mackin'. Mild nibbling of appetizers.
1:00--2:00 p.m. Demonstrating still confident yet ironic ability to "lean with it."
Peak bargame performance/BAC balance (you may win houses or whole people in dart games.) Hand is confidently and suggestively low on the exposed hip of a woman with what you perceive to be a prize-winning ass. You're thinking about commiting a crime and getting away with it.
2:00--3:00 a.m. Frenzied convulsions no longer bearing any resemblance to dance. Mild DUI. Throwing shuffleboard widgets several feet off board/missing billard balls. Telling women "I'm the Vagina Monologue. I'll talk to yours and only yours all night." You're considering commiting arson and not even trying to cover it up.
3:00--4:00 a.m. Now humping support beams in basement dance hall. Would commit DUI if you could find your car. Now outside of bar after throwing a dart into a woman's left calf. Incapable of anything but groping at random women and pointing to crotch while reciting trusted pickup line, "BLEARGHTHGDKGHGAAAhhhh." Now conveniently precharged with drunk in public and aggravated rape (of your liver.)
4:00--5:00 a.m. Crying and masturbating on strange sofa. Other people may/may not be present, and their involvement ranges from horrified and present to comatose and vacant. Scooter DUI is a real possibility. The XBox is on, but your character is just sitting there getting shot over and over again by those not too drunk to miss an open shot in the multiplayer killzone game you booted up 45 minutes ago. If you did commit arson at this point, it would be trying to fix a microwave pizza in the conventional oven with the pizza still in the box and catching fire.
Attention: Barry Humphries will not be suspended from his work as the lovable and wacky Dame Edna, as Dabo Swinney understands just how much his work means to the people of Australia and beyond.
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Your drinking schedule is remarkably similar to what being a grad student is like, although there are no women so you end up kinda making lurid comments about the news anchor on CNN which happens to be on the TV because someone wanted to see the score on some game about five hours ago and everyone was too drunk to turn it off or throw in Super Troopers and play that on a loop for the evening.
by GTSteve on May 28, 2009 12:13 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, when you say “Hand is confidently and suggestively low on the exposed him of a woman” is this some sort of reference to the horrifying discovery of transgenderism that may or may not deter further advances?
And by “long and storied tradition of football excellence”, don’t you mean “a lone National title whilst hopped up on recruiting violations”? At least our myriad violations are for naught. Always, always for naught. /admires Outback bowl trophies
by GamecocknBalls on May 28, 2009 12:14 PM EDT reply actions
Needs more biscuits and gravy and Slingers®.
by ChasingMizzou on May 28, 2009 12:26 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t forget that 1:00-2:00 is also the time period where Krystal ceases being grotesque and begins to actually taste quite good. In the 3:00-4:00 hours they are downright addictive and the jones returns for former users. By 5:00 you are ordering a steamer-bag of 15 all for yourself…and a Diet Coke.
by jacketexan on May 28, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
That picture is just so full of WIN. That is all.
by Brian O'Blivion on May 28, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
Should he get more points for 2nd offense stupidity?
by cc on May 28, 2009 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
Holy shit was that funny.
“4:00–5:00 a.m. Crying and masturbating on strange sofa. Other people may/may not be present, and their involvement ranges from horrified and present to comatose and vacant.”
Laughed till I cried at that. 100 cocktails to you, sir.
by Maize n Brew Dave on May 28, 2009 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
@4 don’t forget waffle house begins to be a viable option between 3 and 4
by kizzak on May 28, 2009 2:37 PM EDT reply actions
Well it is Clempson, so he was probably doing “something else” with the cows. Or maybe it was with the sheep.
by Tommy's choir boy on May 28, 2009 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
That’s nothing like my drinking schedule, because I’d get so shitfaced I had whiskey dick and couldn’t masturbate on a strange couch.
by Brizzle on May 28, 2009 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
Also at 0400-0500, if suggested by less drunk (or more cruel) friends, Krystal chili becomes the Nectar of the Gods to be immediately andrepeated consumed with the disasterous (yet fully predictable) result at 0500-0600 as your body decides to return it for a full refund on your arresting officer/rescuing friend/ or soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.
Check.
Sullivan013
by sullivan013 on May 28, 2009 3:48 PM EDT reply actions
I love that photo. A Clemson player, quoted after the game, and I am paraphrasing, said, “They came to fight, we came to play football. We won the game and the fight.”
Come to think of it, I believe we have won 10 out of the last 12 versus South Carolina.
Very well, carry on.
Oh, and I hope 10 is a homage to South Carolina’s CC Whitlock. If he gets arrested again he will have as many arrests as he has illegitimate children by different women. Not joking about that last sentence.
by Coop on May 28, 2009 3:53 PM EDT reply actions
Well, what else is there to do in Clemson? Maybe he was thinking of setting up a speed trial from Central to Seneca.
by Techie on May 28, 2009 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
Coop:
Nope, that’s a straight reference to the fact that its Humphries’ 2nd DUI. Thanks for coming by again. Once again you turn something that has nothing to do with SC vs. Clamson into just that.
And Whitlock’s going to get a bit more than a 2 game suspension.
by Charlestowne on May 28, 2009 10:23 PM EDT reply actions
Check the guy’s name, CC, hence the Whitlock reference by me. Of course he was referring to Humphries, but I decided to reference SCar’s exploits, anyway.
Sadly, but not surprisingly, you went out of your way to notfiy the EDSBS world that someone from Clemson did something illegal. Obviously, illegal activities by Clemson players do not happen anywhere near as frequently as they do by SCar players, but you already know that.
You never see someone from Clemson point out that a SCar player, once again, got busted for doing something illegal, mainly because such conduct by SCar players happen far too frequently to point out any one incident.. For further reference, check out the Fulmer Cup scoreboard, and scoreboards from the past, that apparently you seem so interested in.
by Coop on May 29, 2009 9:29 AM EDT reply actions
Barry Humphries wasn’t before and isn’t now the starting center. But the image of an offensive lineman wobbly riding on a scooter, drunk or sober, makes me laugh.
by engineer sighted on May 30, 2009 10:03 PM EDT reply actions
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