I PROMISE THAT THESE WILL BE THE MOST EMOTIONAL MEAT PRODUCTS YOU’LL EVER TASTE
Hey, folks. I’m Vince Young, and I want you to eat my meat! Vince Young Foods announces its custom line of meat products, a product line guaranteed to give you the most emotional mouthful of meat you’ve ever had!
From our tasty Bawling Brisket, to our succulent Ribs of Regret, to our delectable Suffering Sausage, I, Vince Young, guarantee you won’t have a more temperamental or unpredictable dining experience than my custom line of meat. Put it in the freezer for up to four years to enjoy the erratic flavor, but after that? Who knows what you’ll get? THAT’S PART OF THE FUN.
As for health?
That numbness and tingling you’re feeling on left side? That’s the sadness and confusion getting into your veins! TASTE VINCE YOUNG’S MEAT AND YOU TASTE HIS SORROW PEOPLE! And it’s the tastiest sorrow in all ah Texas.
(Vince Young Meats, the best college football meats ever, are available in Texas only, and tend to spoil when shipped elsewhere. ORDER NOW.)
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1
brougham says:
All that brisket needs to be delicious is love and support. Best when served within five yards of the grill.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:10 am
2
Texas Gal says:
I object: that is false advertising. Why is it called “Vince Young Foods”, when there are only three types of meat? Where is the Tears of Trojan Sorrow Salsa? Where are the Make Your Shitty OC Look Like A Genius Chips? Where is the Sideline Cryin’ Chili (now with a Tennessee kick!)?
May 26th, 2009 at 10:25 am
3
Orson Swindle says:
They had those, but they’re all way past their expiration date, just like Rex Grossman’s Man-Batter Frosting (a.k.a. The Frosting of a Super Bowl Starter.)
May 26th, 2009 at 10:27 am
4
gold man says:
Isn’t one supposed to wait until they are thoroughly washed up and 3 years removed from football to attempt terrible business ventures of this nature? Just sayin’, this ain’t standard.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:41 am
5
Touchdown74 says:
And you can wash all that wonderful meat down with a tall glass (or 15) of Kerry Collins Whiskey!
May 26th, 2009 at 10:54 am
6
ChasingMizzou says:
I’ll have the veal . . .
May 26th, 2009 at 11:13 am
7
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
I thought Suffering Succotash was trademarked for Puddy Tats. Come to think of it, Vince is just a big ol’ Puddy. My favorite dish would be the Wonderlic Ribs, which scores a 6 out of a possible 50.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:36 am
8
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
So would Vince Young Foods be considered appetizers now, and Kerry Collins Foods the main course? I thought the Vince Young Foods line had been discontinued since Kerry Collins Foods was cheaper and more cost effective?
May 26th, 2009 at 11:39 am
9
Harris says:
What about Vince Young’s Poodle-Kickin’ BBQ Sauce, Meltdown Meatloaf, Shirtless Man-Party Short Ribs or Depression Dogs? Depression Dogs: They distress when you cook ‘em!
Kerry Collins Foods: Mm-mmm! Bigotry never tasted so good!
Kerry Collins Foods: Even nigra’s love it!
And new from Kerry Collins Foods: Bourbon BBQ Sauce, now with extra bourbon. And no barbecue sauce.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:55 am
10
comoprozac says:
Did anybody check out Young’s personal website? I’ve never seen such a production for an NFL backup. When my kid’s old enough, she’s definitely attending the Vince Young Cheer & Dance Clinic.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
11
Ed says:
But does it come with a free bottle of “STFU Kerry Collins” purple drank?
May 26th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
12
Holly says:
This is where I throw a trench coat over Swindle’s head and hustle him out the back door into an unmarked pickup truck, hand him an envelope full of cash, and holler GO GO GO like in that Navy commercial.
May 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
13
Raider Red says:
There is only one Longhorn who produces quality food products. His name is Earl Campbell. Thou shalt not trespass on the land of the Hot Link.
May 26th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
14
lovettowl says:
Have we come to the point where we are reveling in other peoples mental illnesses? He may be a douche, he may like to drink ‘tron shirtless in a room full of dudes, but his half assed lamentations that he was going to commit suicide should not be something to make fun of. What is this 4chan?
May 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
15
dc trojan says:
@Texas Gal – Generally speaking, if you want a long-time grudge and still-fresh tears, you have to either be a rival beating us over multiple years and / or beat our various all-universe teams* by more than 3 points. Getting kicked in the balls is unpleasant at the time and doesn’t make a happy memory, but it has a pain-half-life.
Besides, our douchey Heisman winning / MNC losing quarterback is about as big of an NFL bust at the moment as your mopey Heisman losing / MNC winning quarterback. **
* This is sarcasm.
** This not sarcasm.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
16
JTG says:
I guess we can be pretty sure nobody will agree to market meat with Michael Vick’s name on it…
May 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
17
Dawg 05 says:
JTG – It could always be marketed under the Ron Mexico label. Mmmmm… taste like open sores on my genitalia.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
18
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
Or the fan favorite. It’s Not Over til Its Over Pot Roast, takes about 3-5 yrs to cook…..cause its just not ready yet….
May 26th, 2009 at 6:16 pm