Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just watching football practice. You’re Chris Rainey, aren’t you? Hi, I’m Christina Hendricks. You might know me from my work on Mad Men. Not familiar? Well, I’ll show you this clip from the show. I think you’ll find it representative of many of my strengths.

You say you haven’t seen the show, but you will now? Well, I’d be happy to show you some private scenes, since I just loooooove talented young athletes such as yourself. I only have one thing. You have to weigh over 180 pounds, stud, or you’re not going to so much as canter on this pasture.

And I’ve heard you don’t like to eat?

“He doesn’t like food,” Marotti said. “It’s hard to gain weight when you don’t like food. He’s eating because he has to. He doesn’t eat because he likes food. He’s just starting to drink the (nutritional) shakes (that contain 365 calories). He didn’t like the shakes. How are you going to gain weight if you don’t take in calories? I always tell him, ‘I watch football every Sunday and I don’t see anyone who looks like you playing at the next level. If that’s your goal, maybe you’ve got to change.’ “

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You come back to mama when you’re full-sized. I like a man with some meat on his bones, and right now this Lean Cuisine things isn’t the kind of meal I’m looking for, okay? Until then, it’s just Youtube and Jergens for you, Twiggy-potamus.

This post was written by Christina Hendricks and she really will sleep with you, Chris Rainey. This is not fiction and you should treat it as a promise EAT YOU TINY GENIUS EAT!!!