FULMER CUPDATE: ILLINOIS LINEBACKER

by Orson on May 20, 2009 1:40 PM EDT

Cautionary tale of getting in barfights, vol. 382394: You never know when you'll find yourself in a robot bar fight, and if you don't think that's a bad scene, just look:

Cautionary tale of getting in barfights, vol. 382395: You attempt to hit on women in a bar. You believe you're saying things like, "My, ma'am, what a fine night it is, and how gilded the moonflower appears to be on this luminous, intoxicating evening." The woman, seeking some kind of shelter from you overpowering masculinity, sends over an envoy who happens to be a backup linebacker for the Illinois Illini football team.

You have instead said nothing like what witnesses have overheard, a garbled phrase closer to "They call me the Sheriff of Pussy County, and you're under arrest!" than anything you thought you were saying. You could call off things right here, but alcohol has disabled the restrictor plate of logic, and 6'6", 310 pounds looks the same as a Girl Scout after enough turns of Kam's Shot Wheel. You take a confident swing at a much larger man. Then, this happens:

Champaign County State's Attorney Julia Rietz says Garrity punched him, fracturing the man's skull. Rietz says the man is a university student and remained hospitalized Monday.

The only possible advantage to things working out this way? You being unconscious during the malicious hangover afterwards--not a fair trade for massive head injuries, but still a trade. Garrity is suspended until all the cases of the case come out, but his two counts of felony aggravated battery do qualify him for six points in the Fulmer Cup and a bonus point for punching someone so hard their skull broke, bringing the total points awarded to seven points in the Fulmer Cup.

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"They call me the Sheriff of Pussy County, and you’re under arrest!"
Mother of God…… The drugs make the writing better

by BurritoBrosShits on May 20, 2009 1:43 PM EDT reply actions

I’m going to try that as a pickup line tonight. I will report back how it goes. Predictions?

by Seven Years in Gainesville on May 20, 2009 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t any [COUCH REDACTED] entrant into the cup be granted a bonus point? I mean, [COACH REDACTED] teams almost ALWAYS under-perform, you’re just bumping them up to where they should be. Even if they’re constantly improving.

by Not You on May 20, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

My prediction goes like…

First time I crashed and burned.
And the second?
I don’t know but it’s looking good so far.

by JIMatUA on May 20, 2009 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

I think the Lost in Space robot dropped the soap there.

by ChasingMizzou on May 20, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

I think the initial come on was something more like this…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2v-AkSj260

Million Dollar Strong!

by skinnyphatman on May 20, 2009 2:50 PM EDT reply actions

May I have some of the dope that inspired the “restrictor plate of logic?”

And have your drug-dreams taken you over to Talladega, Orson?

by NRBQ on May 20, 2009 3:53 PM EDT reply actions

I wonder what the “Blast Shot” at Kam’s is? It can’t be good for you.

by ohiodawg on May 20, 2009 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

I dont think I can even process that clip properly in my mortal brain.

+2 percosets for you my good man

by Just another Michigan Man on May 20, 2009 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

What I find interesting is that a group of women couldn’t handle one obnoxious guy and somehow needed help. Women I know here in FL would have shredded the guy (literally and figuratively).

by hobeg8r on May 20, 2009 4:16 PM EDT reply actions