THE THRILL OF VICTORY, SHANE, THE SENSATION OF TRAMPLING ON AN ENEMY

by Orson on May 13, 2009 1:25 PM EDT

A shaded shed on the grounds of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Shane Matthews, former Gator quarterback and radio commentator, wakes to find himself bound to a backboard. ALBERT THE ALLIGATOR stares at him.

Matthews: Wha...what happened?

Albert: ...

Matthews: I was having a beer at the Copper Monkey one second, and then...nothing. I just want--

Albert: (Raises a finger to his lips. Um, the place where his jaws come together. Whatever that is. There.)

Matthews: What do you want from me?

Enter URBAN MEYER.

Meyer: Shane, I only want you to do what is required of you.

Matthews: I...I don't understand. I just pointed out that in the Ole Miss game they played man-to-man the whole game, and that we didn't take advantage of it, and--

Meyer: Shhhh...Shane. You understand the present and the past, Shane. But now...to the future.

Matthews: These are chafing my wrists. I have a show in 45 minutes, Coach. Now, I'm sorry you took offense to what I said, but they pay me to tell it like I see it. What are you doing with that bottle of water and rag, I--

Urban: I want you to understand this. The thing I have for you here is the worst thing in the world. It goes beyond fear of pain or death, it unendurable, and it varies from person to person. In your case, it is your opinion being drowned out by others.

Shane: No...NOOOOOOO---mRRPHHHGGHHHHHH

Urban: Shane, there will be no loyalty, except loyalty towards the Gator. There will be no love, except the love of the Gator. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy, unless it is Auburn, and we don't get to work on that for a few years. There will be no art, no literature, no science that does not proclaim the name of GATOR or his only son TEBOW across the land. There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. All that will remain is the word GATOR.

Urban stops pouring the water. Matthews chokes, gags, coughs, and screams.

Matthews: WHY? Let me go, I'll do anything you want, just do let me drown.

Urban: It's just a taste of what awaits you in Seat 37F if you ever dare to criticize so much as a hair on my program's proverbial head.

Pours water a second time, allows Matthews to breathe after 15 seconds of the treatment.

Matthews: THIS IS TORTURE!!!

Meyer: No, it's not. It's love. I'm just trying to protect our program, Shane. Also, I prefer the term "Facially Administered Tracheal Aquamassage," Shane. And it sounds like your lungs are still a little tense, and could use some more treatment.

He pours more water. "Orange and Blue" plays faintly in the background.

(ps. This is slightly old cheese anyway, as it echoes previous statements Meyer's made regarding criticisms of the program, fits right in with his Woody Hayes-ish tetchiness, and happened last week.)

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You can’t see it, but Alberta’s running the camera, pointing and nodding approvingly.

by Holly on May 13, 2009 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

This marks the first time a radio personality was waterboarded against his will.

The others: “Waterboard me. I swear it’s not torture, like those pansy liberals say.”

by ChasingMizzou on May 13, 2009 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

As opposed to Steak Shapiro, who we would would happily waterboard for the low, low cost of free.

by Orson Swindle on May 13, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

All I know is that what the Gators have done to my beloved Bulldogs over the last 20 or so years is the equivalent of waterboarding, with the added touch of simultaneously having jumper cables from a running diesel truck clamped to our balls and a corn cob pipe shoved right up our ass for good measure.

At least that’s been the torture that us fans have felt damn near most all these years…

PS- I’d rather get waterboarded by Albert thanby the Okie State plastic cowboy or Nerbraska’s Lil’ Red- that shit would just be beyond the pale.

by Kanu on May 13, 2009 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

How long before Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow call for an NCAA investigation? (Sorry, the double-A is too busy trying to figure out how not to ban Southern Cal from the postseason for a century.)

by cocknfire on May 13, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

There will be no love, except the love of the Gator. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy, unless it is Auburn, and we don’t get to work on that for a few years.

Is Cuddles ghostblogging, or did you lose a bet?

by MaconDawg on May 13, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

If loyalty is important to Meyer, wouldn’t he still be coaching at Utah? Or Bowling Green, for that matter?

by JD on May 13, 2009 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

JD, keep talking that way and we’ll take you to Seat 37F. For you, it’s spiders.

by Orson Swindle on May 13, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

I think what Urban meant to say is that Shane is welcome back to the UF Football Office, as long as it’s Room 101 of the football office.

by Chips O'Toole on May 13, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, thanks for that.

All I am saying is that Ike, Rediel, and “Quezi,” were not walking through that locker room when Shane Matthews was throwing balloons at darts, not the opposite, and Jack Johnson was catching said balloons.

by Coop on May 13, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

Does Jesse Palmer get off scot-free for appearing on the Bachelor or is trip to Seat 37F upcoming?

by maskedavenger on May 13, 2009 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Urb should be glad that Kirk Herbstriet didn’t go to Florida. Not only would UF have had a shitty QB for 4 years taking up a scholly with him there, but his critiques are for a national audience and never support his alma mater. I doubt Shane was alone in his critisisms at the time.

by Crabapple Buck on May 13, 2009 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

hears knock at door
opens door
sees Urban Meyer standing on the front porch sternly with a long shadow over his face and a shillelagh in his hand
closes door quickly
runs back to computer

I … I don’t know what came over me earlier. The University of Florida is a wonderful instituation and they have a fantastic football team, led by a marvelous human being with unassailable principles.

by JD on May 13, 2009 2:23 PM EDT reply actions

Hey Orson – One of the things I LEAARRNED over the weekend was that waterboarding is not torture. How you like that, Cha-Cha?

If you have a problem with me, I’ll be down at the Cheetah with David Pollock.

by Steak Shapiro on May 13, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

masked @ #11…Jesse’s appearance as the Bachelor was heinous enough in its own right…no need to banish him to 37f…well, that and making him wear those short ties pretty much covered his required penance. Understand that he bought himself some mitigating circumstances with that comeback drive at Tenn his senior year with that pass to Jabar Gaffney. Outside that he hasn’t (yet) left the pale to criticize a team that has won two mnc’s outta the last three…

by sb on May 13, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

I believe the shillegah reference absolves JD of any wrongdoing No go forth and sin no more, my son.

by Wolf on May 13, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Crabapple – after that loss, rumor is that Dan Mullen had his dog (named Heismann) taste his food before he ate it.

Small point – but Is there actually a 36f seat at the Swamp?

by hobeg8r on May 13, 2009 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

Or 37f?

by hobeg8r on May 13, 2009 2:53 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not a Gator fan, so I’m out of the loop. Can someone explain the ‘37F’ reference?

by G on May 13, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

DO IT TO DANNNNNYYYYYY!!!! DO IT TO DANNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Shane Matthews has now been transferred to minor grammar editing on the NewGator Dictionary, vol. 11, with Corrine Brown as chair.

by robert on May 13, 2009 3:46 PM EDT reply actions

Seriously, torture is calling a time out at the last nanosecond to freeze a freshman kicker. Torture is doing it at precisely the exact moment so that he watches the refs whistling the play dead just as the would be game winning kick goes through the uprights. Torture is putting him under the pressure of attempting to repeat the kick while the eyes of millions of spectators watch nationwide. Torture is what he feels as he waits for the ball to be snapped, as he makes his approach, as he watches the kick sail…
….through the uprights!

Really, if Urban was to attempt waterboarding Shane Mattews, he’d probably end up with a gallon of water in hs own lungs.

As for what the Gators did to Ohio State, that wasn’t torture, that was execution.

by sevenDs on May 13, 2009 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

@19-

I think the 37F reference is to Urban’s quote- ""If you want to be critical of a player on our team or a coach on our team, you can buy a ticket for seat 37F. You’re not welcome back in the football office. You’re either a Gator or you’re not a Gator. It’s real simple."

Section 37 is on the visitor’s side, about the 40 yard line, second deck. Not sure if there’s anything more to it than that.

by MikeLew on May 13, 2009 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, should you be concerned about the banner of this website? Some might call into question your Gatorness since you are honoring the coach that has only half as many titles as the current coach.

by sevenDs on May 13, 2009 4:59 PM EDT reply actions