THE VAUDEVILLE COMEDIANS' SPRING ROUNDUP

by Orson on May 12, 2009 1:42 PM EDT

Two stylish gentlemen enter the stage after the Garland Family completes their musical entertainments. Borfdern and Glomacher wear straw hats, white pants, and striped summer-weight wool jackets.

Borfdern: Say, Glomacher: fair weather we're having here.

Glomacher: Boldfern, there's nothing fair about it. It's cheating to live this well!

Borfdern: Like your wife!

Glomacher: The Spanish Curse. I'll never live it down!

Chuckles throughout audience of gentlemen and ladies out on the town for the night.

Borfdern: Did you see young Pete Carroll wearing a girdle the other day?

Glomacher: No! Was it because he was feeling Corp-ulent?

Titters.

Glomacher: Boldfern, do you fancy Cox of Georgia at quarterback?

Boldfern: I'd rather have the whole man, frankly!

Glomacher: So would your wife!

Guffaws.

Boldfern: Untrue! She's mostly interested in the marital baton, Glomacher. Say, did you see the comments regarding Nick Sheridan at Michigan, Glomacher?

Glomacher: Yes. Seems like more of a threet than a prediction, my good man!

HUZZAHs.

Boldfern: Say, Glomacher. Did you see the story about the five star recruits who were arrested?

Glomacher: I heard they charged with a constellation of felonies, Bolfdern!

Boldfern: A stellar answer, Glomacher!

Glomacher: Perilloux-sly accurate!

Boldfern: Say, Glomacher, what's worse: Auburn's quarterback situation or your addiction to arson?

Glomacher: Both involve troubling Burns!

Applause.

Glomacher: And the sweet screams of the innocent.

Boldfern: Ha! My Dutch jewish tailor told me to put my money on Penn State. What say you to that?

Glomacher: That at the end of the season, his bookie will be Paterno'wed a king's ransom for such a bet!

Groans.

Glomacher: They've turned on us! Quickly now, before they get out the rail and feathers!

Boldfern: Quickly! To the one-liners! What's black on the bottom, white on the top, and deep in the red?

Glomacher: A zebra crushed in an hydraulic press!

Boldfern: No! Jesus smoking Popes, what the fuck is wrong with you? Regains composure. College football, Glomacher! Next: What do college football and the city of Atlanta have in common?

Glomacher: Both could be burned by Sherman! My turn: Lane Kiffin!

Boldfern: That's not a joke.

Glomacher: 'Tis!

Boldfern! HA!

STANDING OVATION.

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Comments

Les Miles has a lot on his mind…when he wears that HAT!

by Holly on May 12, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

Vaudeville? I was reading the whole thing with a faux British accent.

by DevilGrad on May 12, 2009 2:05 PM EDT reply actions

So was Borfdern’s name supposed to change to Boldfern part way through, or was that a “Dwigt Shrute” style find and replace error?

by Year2 on May 12, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

What would one call a device that registers chortles? Chortletrometer? A geiger counter with a monocle? Either way, that scale would be broken. My chortles turned to guffaws, resulting in an unfortunate sullying of my monogrammed silk hankey

by swampchomp on May 12, 2009 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

Aside from the drastically short food supply and the lack of a polio vaccene, the Vaudeville kicked major ass.

Thank you for the giggles, once again.

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on May 12, 2009 2:25 PM EDT reply actions

So how about Maryland’s upcoming season…I hear it is going to be a turtle disaster!

by JIMatUA on May 12, 2009 2:26 PM EDT reply actions

^^^Polio is likely capitalized, I meant to say “Vaudeville Era,” and vaccine is spelled with an “I”. Quick everyone, make fun of the Ole Miss grad while he’s still in the comments section correcting himself.

Fuck a Tuesday.

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on May 12, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions