The big board arrives, albeit with signficant marginal errors, we’re sure. Still, it comes free from the boardkeeper Brian, who as always is endowed to a degree one might call Reggie Nelson-esque.

South Florida is ETJ3′d. Please spot the big asterisk noting an exceptional case with conditions and provisos attached: South Florida’s score dwarfs the available competition by a wide margin. Cue FAILhorns, though: Puppello’s substantial points are unabetted by a teammate, a situation disqualifying the score from consideration for the championship by itself. He is, however, the clear leader for the Ellis T. Jones Award, a title he’s likely locked up (unless someone takes the challenge and pistolwhips four or more people in a single flurry. With the departure of Ronnie Wilson from Florida last year, that’s not likely to happen.)

Correction: Florida State should be on the board with six points total after the arrest of Rod Owens, who celebrated his big spring game by getting hammered and toodling aroundTally, a privilege you may engage in if you’re willing to pay the Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride fun price of a DUI charge.

Further fairness, Further Correction: Just to keep up, Florida enters the fray with a five point performance from walk-on junior running back Marquis Hannah. Hannah earned a felony unarmed burglary charge and a misdemeanor battery charge for something that really, really ended up sucking for some poor dude in a dark apartment:

Hannah allegedly pushed his way inside the apartment Friday yelling at two females that “they needed to talk,” according to jail records. A man awoke from the bedroom and Hannah allegedly struck him in the face, according to police records.

“Hey, what’s going on I–BLAAAAOOOOWWW.” The bonus point (home team, right?) gets us to five points. Urban Meyer had no comment other than to say he thought his eventual punishment of Marquis Hannah would be “harsh.”

It’s Ames. Iowa State gets a point for public intox, but no one blames you, sir. (more…)

Mingovia! Sing with us the anthem this morning to celebrate our good fortune to have triumphed in the Name of the Year contest! RAISE YOUR SCYTHES AND BELLOW FORTH THY AFFECTION AND LOYALTY!!!

Mingovia the Great! Mingovia the Good!

Our love-shall–nehh-vaaaaaar—-FAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!

On behalf of the Steampunk Emperor, we thank you for your support of Mingovia. Now go forth on Charity Day–Lord Mingo proclaims a feast, with a roasted ostrich in every square and fountains of mead all around. Also, public sex and the killing of one–THAT’S JUST ONE, PEOPLE–servant for sport shall be tolerated until curfew at 6 p.m. today. GET TO IT MINGOVIANS.

With scant hours to go, we remind you: Mingo thanks you for your support. You have made Mingovia a more powerful place with your votes, and he shall reward you with only the finest of parades and free epaulets for all.

YES HE CAN! YES HE CAN! YES HE CAN!

Texting. Anyone can do it.

If you haven’t seen Texts from Last Night, we’re about to alleviate the poverty of your existence with a bailout of unprecedented comic size and pork-itude. Taken from reader-submitted text messages sent in various impaired states or shortly thereafter, it’s pretty much a rundown of your wasted years that you may either look fondly back on, or use as a basis of comparison for your current dissolute life. (We feel much, much better about ourselves after reading it.)

There’s no reason this couldn’t happen in our corner of the universe, of course. Or in yours, football-wise.

(404) How’d the date go? Run the triple option on her? LOL

(404) No. Ricky Jean-Francois ran in and took her before I could.

(more…)

We don’t make many promises, but we’ll make one right now: you will never, ever, ever see a Fulmer Cupdate on this website containing more pistol-whipping per square pixel than this one. Ever. If there is one, we’ll shut down the site forever.

This is Trent Pupello three years ago when he entered the University of Florida as a well-regarded freshman tight end prospect. Golden locks, as-a if he had-a just descended from the-a snowcapped hills of Tyrolia! Glowing-a smile, as-a if his a-mama had just-a called the Trent Pupello, wishing him a-good luck at school, and a donn’a forget to washa the cracky parts of the body special hard! Ah, youth-a!

Almost reminiscent of a young Lisa Kudrow with a penis, really. Beauty incarnate, and a trouble-free type at Florida. Now, after the jump, please see what the city of Tampa does to a man. (more…)

Last Thursday, we reported that Tim Tebow had been named the spokesperson for the conservative action group Concerned Parents Against the New “Tween” Dora the Explorer (CPANTDE). Tebow declined CPANTDE’s invitation to be their spokesman, but did release a statement on the organization’s behalf urging Dora’s creators to give her a more modest wardrobe. We regret the error.

Everybody on your tummies!

In the Friday mini-post “Jock Makeovers,” we reported the secondhand news that Matthew Stafford pronounced his hair “off-limits” to Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova. “Hair” should have read “ass,” because the number one draft pick ain’t lettin’ anyone go two hole on him no matter how Moscow ghetto hot Miss Thing might be. Enrique might have been down with a trip to browntown, but Matt Stafford’s nobody’s finger puppet.

Friday’s piece, “Better Know A Big XII Spiritual Meltdown”, reported that Missouri’s Jeremy Maclin had been found to be living in the Tigers’ locker room after the conclusion of spring practices to escape the emotional rigors of the draft prep limelight. The stuffed rabbit Maclin was photographed clutching in his sleep, however, did not belong to him. It is a childhood treasure named Twinkles, on loan from a sympathetic strength coach. We regret the error.

In this week’s “What’s Your Coach Twittering?” feature, we attributed two messages to USC head coach Pete Carroll: ”If there’s one thing that gets me more excited than spring football, it’s waiting for tickets for the new Cannibal Corpse tour to go on sale” and “Guess some old ladies don’t appreciate being told ‘rub some dirt on it’ when you bump their Rascal scooter in the parking lot.” In fact, these messages were Twittered by former South Carolina coach and current ESPN commentator Lou Holtz. We apologize to Carroll, Holtz, and Cannibal Corpse for the mixup.

Monday’s Curious Index reported that a crackerjack research team at Duke University’s renowned biology laboratory has discovered Blue Devils head coach David Cutcliffe’s folksy chuckle can cure rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis in adult test subjects.  This was based on preliminary data, and neglected to include later findings that Cutcliffe’s laughter also was found to be an efficient means of pain management for lupus patients. We regret the error.

In our latest edition of The Week In Bowden Jurisprudence, we reported the arrest of Tommy Bowden for simple battery in a Birmingham Starbucks.  Law enforcement personnel have since confirmed that Bowden was actually detained for loitering, after spending several fruitless hours wandering the store, coughing conspicuously and typing exaggeratedly on his BlackBerry in a vain attempt to be acknowledged by another human being. We regret the error.

One nice thing about the Presidential visits made by college football’s title holders to the White House? If memory serves us correctly, the red peppers of Konami province are among the sweetest and tastiest around. We’re sorry, Iron Chef’s on in the background. If memory serves us, both Presidents Bush and Obama made sure to thank the trainers and little people who make programs run, and that’s always a nice fuzzy tummy rub to get from the chief executive of this badass corn-fed machine-gun sex-missile of a country we have.

He did say he’d prefer a playoff, but save your outrage for something serious, because outrage is so fucking cheap. (more…)

Hey, everyone. Coach Compete here. That’s Pete Carroll, in case you didn’t know. Of the USC Trojans. Sorry I’m late on posting, but I just did four hundred pushups for a local charity that helps crippled chihuahuas quit the gang lifestyle and have more productive lifestyles. I had to dictate a business book while doing it, so it took longer than it normally would. Excuse me.

[picks up phone] No, that’s fine Barry. They’re not serious. Send and envoy, double down on the anti-nuke incentives, and keep up the drone attacks on the borders. If Sy Hersh gets a hold of it, I’ll kick him in the balls for you with some of my South L.A. boys, okay? Sweet. Smack Michelle on the ass for me. Yes, twice just to get all of that sweet hamhock. Laters. [/hangs up]

I’ve got a new kids website I’d like to tell you about. It’s called CampPete.com, and it contains loads of goodies to help kids learn about football, sportsmanship, and the valuable lessons of sportsmanship. It also has a place where your six year old can upload their 40 times, hang clean numbers, and their contact information for Coach Pete to call them personally!

Oh, look, former Mexican Vice President Vicente Fox! Que pasa, Presidente? (more…)