BRET BIELEMA'S GONNA NEED A NEW SECRETARY

by Orson on Apr 30, 2009 2:14 PM EDT

The offices of the Wisconsin football program. A radio blasts Saliva. BRET BIELEMA lifts weights in a tank top. A RECEPTIONIST enters.

Receptionist: Mr. Bielema, your 1:30 is going to be late.

Bielema: No problemo. More time for me to get my swole on before I get my fuck on. He gestures to his penis as he says this.

Receptionist: Coach, I really don't need to know about that.

Bielema: Whatever, Sue.

Receptionist: It's Edie, sir.

Bielema: Sure, Eddie. It's not big deal. It's natural. Our bodies are natural. Nothing to be afraid of.

Receptionist: I just don't think it's very professional of you to point at your..um...

Bielema: My Madison Poon Taser? My Fucky the Badger? Schlong Dayne here, the powerback that goes slow and hard up the middle? My Hairy Alvarez? I make my living with this Eddie. This coaching thing is just extra balls on the nut-train for me. I---

[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]…

Marky M: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Bret: Hey, asshole. That's my fucking wall you just busted up, dickhole!

A hole in the wall, that's for builders to sweat
And a hole in your dick's all bout gettin so wet
A hole in the protection gets the Marky upset
Cause he shelling out dimes to his Jayhawkettes

They be eatin' popcorn shrimp on Marky's dime
Pampers money on the plate when it's Outback time
Should be Marky poppin' bottles in them DJ booths
Stead the bitches with my money feed they batter tooths

Don't have to have a pussy, though, to be the type
Who keeps a man from his biscuits
Keeps the foie gras off his triscuits
With the child support, she got you from 18 to life

Tried to be wife, but couldn't stay away from the dick
Marky M's heart broke over that ass so thick
Came home, thought you was the Cinderella for my slipper
Came home, found you on a dude's pole like you was a stripper

Marky M straight tell you that bitch was frosty
Hurt his heart so bad had to get him a Frosty
Yeah hurt his heart so bad had to get him two Frosties
Hurt his heart so bad put his head under the Frosty

Machine, the dream, you know it was gone
But you can't judge women by the ones that was wrong
And you gotta treat a lady like lady, BB
Gotta stay game tight with a girl like E-die

She a down bitch for them buffet times
She a down bitch when you runnin' out a them rhymes
Keep you swimming and brimming in the memos and post-its
You never have to write email, you know she gone ghost it

Marky M like your style, you know that he do
From the Payless flats to the way you stay true
How bout Marky M roll out the cheddar
How bout Marky M havin' you write the goodbye letter

To the snow, the hoes, the weakass dough
Of this life that you livin, baby come to the show
Keep you warm and naked on my aqua-chateau
Strictly nude or bikini, but respectfully so

Take a memo, drink some Cris, eat some bacon
This ain't no fakin'
Marky M know you be achin
For wavin' wheat that bring the cows
Where there's cows there be maids
With braids
And them Escalades
Made off the cheddar them cow titties done made.

Think about: live fat with the Marky M
Or spend your chump days with your chumpass friend
I be sitting club level waitin' on yo' call
Textin' boricuas in mi espanol

Bistec y tetas, es the fuckin' mejor
Todd Reesing never lie, know he mannin' the door
Keep the nacho fountain hot, he know what it for
Dippin titties in the queso, hater know the score--WHAAAATT?

HOLLA!!!

YEAAAHHH, straight love for the secretarial thickness. My ladies with some frost on they pumpkins, much love.

Scheisty bootleggers I see ya. 'Bout to shove half a hamhock up that ass if you bootleg my shit again.

Kerry Meier, I see you. Keep the 'stache pimpin, it's like velcro to keep you pussylocked. Ladies hit him up on his cell: 785-555-2915

Yeah, I know it's nasty. You love it.

Hit me up on the web: gravytrainsnthangs.com. Honeydips, drop a pic if ya sick or thick.

PEAS.

(and gravy.)

Edie: I...I quit.

Bielema: FUCK.

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Comments

That guy in the boat is way to skinny to be Marky M. Obviously somebody photoshopped that body in there.

by jacketexan on Apr 30, 2009 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

I was laughing out loud at “Hairy Alvarez” . . . and then it just kept getting better.

by DevilGrad on Apr 30, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

So sad that Jack Nicholson is so fat that he can be Marky M’s body.

Orson, did Marky M ever threaten to bust a cap on you after you posted pics of his house?

by John on Apr 30, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

I remember Mangino’s unintentional ryme but did Bret Bielma do something oafish on camera or something? It’s hella funny I’m just wondering where it’s coming from?

by oaklandbear on Apr 30, 2009 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

BRAVO — “Schlong Dayne here, the powerback that goes slow and hard up the middle” … still laughing…. …… yep… Hairy Alvarez….. BRAVO…. again, have outdone yourselves today…. lite on material but hard on the facts…..

by The Holy Grail on Apr 30, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions

Dippin titties in the queso, hater know the score–WHAAAATT?

SOLID FUCKING GOLD

100 cocktails to you sir

by drexyl on Apr 30, 2009 3:13 PM EDT reply actions

You had to rhyme Frosty with Frosty. This only adds to the authenticity. Well played.

by Signal to Noise on Apr 30, 2009 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Fantastic. Great to see Freek’s animated gif’s, Holly’s photoshopped pictures, and Orson’s deft writing all working together so nicely. This belongs in the EDSBS HoF.

This was f#cking perfect. My day has been made. Bravo!

by Geaux Irish on Apr 30, 2009 3:43 PM EDT reply actions

My imagination just imploded. Simply awe-inspiring.

BTW, is there a backstory here?

by Millon de Floss on Apr 30, 2009 3:48 PM EDT reply actions

Poon Taser? 1 MILLION cocktails.

by Sack O. Rabid Weasels on Apr 30, 2009 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

One word, and one number – President, 2012.

by Commander Cody on Apr 30, 2009 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

Re: #9

Millon de Floss, check out the Marky M tag for more of this sort of thing:

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/category/marky-m/

by Geaux Irish on Apr 30, 2009 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

I might as well go to bed right now… this day can’t get any better.

by CincySooner on Apr 30, 2009 4:08 PM EDT reply actions

Being president would cut into valuable blogging time. I would support a stimulus package going his way. As long as it rewards the efforts of Holly, Freek and Orson, it has my approval.

by Crabapple Buck on Apr 30, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions