EDSBS: ENEMIES OF THE STATE 2009

by Orson on Apr 29, 2009 2:19 PM EDT

Orson: Enemies of the State---EDSBS needs them for 2009. We will split the votes for Lane Kiffin and Urban between the two of us and run for common foes, okay?

Holly: I was just thinking about this the other day---with Nate Longshore and JPW gone, I need new punching bags. I assume we are taking Crompton and Bill Stewart in some sort of special category reserved for me. Like a playpen.

Orson: Of course. It'll work like Federal versus State here. You're a state.

Holly Anderson: I'm a commonwealth, beetch. First nominee: Bob Davie for crimes against the English language.
Exhibit A: "Will Muskamp."

Orson: Actually, I've come to like the word "FOOTBAW"

Holly: Let that be his legacy. After he's dead. Because we killt him. Number two: Petrino.

Arkanas must not be allowed to develop legitimate football weapons, because it would upset the balance of power and disturb far more entertaining teams such as LSU.

Orson: Agreed. The SEC West is where the talented yahoos of coaching go to get their wildman on. There's already an obsessive taskmaster there. Enemy of the State: the Rose Bowl, or Jim Delany. He's really like the talking end of the Slither monster that is the Rose Bowl.

Holly: Yeah, that's better. Also, he thinks wr dumm.

Orson: Fuk him.

Holly: Steed Lobotzke, for rejecting our overtures of friendship. WE JUST WANTED TO KNOW A GUY NAMED STEED
BUT THEN WE LOVED YOU FOR YOU

Orson: Further enemy of the state-age: quien es el sponsor most detestable?

Holly: Toyota---unless Saved By Zero is over.

Orson: Think that's over. Or should we say: we HOPE that's over. Toyota should get it anyway, as we blame them for the death of the beloved American car industry, which took away our rolling cancer deathtraps and replaced them with depressingly reliable and stylish "functional" cars.

Holly: Also, the song.

Orson: Yes. Not an earworm so much as an earsnake that raped you and didn't even call afterwards. Also, we should pre-emptively declare war on Firefly Vodka.

Holly: It loves us and wants us to be happy.

Orson: It's the Beast with a Million Backs from Futurama. You will love the sugary tentacle.

Holly: But what a way to go!

Orson: I know it's going to take over, but not without a fight, Firefly. Not without a fight.

Holly: This is where I cuddle up to my bottle and reassure it that I will only fight if it wants me to.

Orson: You won't even see it creep in: only its aftereffects will make it clear what's happened here. The high-school girl passed out with her pants off in the corner; the unregistered handgun on the desk, smelling faintly of freshly discharged shells; the food in the sink, clearly leftover from a drunken meals devoured over the drain; the tiger. It will all make sense when you feel the pinch of the halo headache and see the empty, innocent looking bottle of Firefly on the floor, as damning a piece of evidence as a dead body on the floor with a polaroid of you killing said person stapled to its shirt.

Holly: [guzzles Firefly, continues] Can we have one enemy for absolutely no reason? Someone harmless, like Dabo Swinney. Why, you ask? Because FUCK CLEMSON (year 2!), that's why.

Orson: My enemy for no reason will be the 12 o'clock kick against an SEC West team. Nothing good ever happens to Florida in those games. Ever.

Holly: Also, the west coast ABC affiliate that at least once a year will show That's So Raven instead of the morning game.

Orson: Oh, burn that motherfucker to the ground. That's savagery.

Holly: I demand reparations for that shit.

Orson: Granted. We also need a perfectly innocent player to blame for everything. Unfairly, of course. Call it the Chris Leak slot.

Holly Anderson: Who's Willy Korn's competition? We hate him, by virtue of NOT BEING WILLY KORN (willy korn)

Spencer Hall: Wes Byrum, Auburn Kicker. That chomp's gonna get you mustard gassed at the Supper Club.

Orson: Actually, just Auburn, period. Take a year on the rack, Dread Pirate Roberts. If we can't beat you, we'll point and laugh (and lose by a field goal to you in two years GODDAMMIT WHYYYYYYY.)

Orson: We also declare the song "Click Click Boom" to be an enemy of the state. You can set a Youtube highlights video to something else. It won't break the internet. For example, you could follow these gentlemen's lead and pick this song, which is far better than "Click Click Boom" ever was. (Audio NSFW.)

Orson: We haven't picked a team that we want all the bad things in life to happen to, but it should be obvious. First, by definition, Florida State; second, because we can't beat them, Auburn.

Holly: With Chizik at the helm it'll go bad hilariously. We should support the going.

Orson: While you're heading toward the tree at 105 miles an hour with Chizik hammering the throttle down, let us press the button for the nitrous for you.

Holly: We will be that for you, Auburn. Because we care.

Orson: Also, new snack food to hate: Late Night Doritos, because I suspect YOU'RE JUST REGULAR DORITOS WITH PAPRIKA AND A NEW BAG.

Tweet Comment 32 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I’m actually ashamed at the excitement I felt deep in my soul when I saw the Late Night Doritos commercial. We’re talking about “got caught jerking off with a cantaloupe and a copy of JET by grandma, leading her to stumble backwards and break her hip” shame.

by italiangator on Apr 29, 2009 2:32 PM EDT reply actions

Holly Rowe (instead of Bob Davie). For what she did to Ron Franklin and for being too stupid to give sideline reports.

by hobeg8r on Apr 29, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

Will you please make an EDSBS shirt in the Social-Realist style. I can’t stop giggling after seeing that first pic.

by BurritoBrosShits on Apr 29, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

Footbaw players making footbaw plays should always punt the footbaw.

by Irish09 on Apr 29, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions

I’m too busy canoodling with my bottle of Firefly to punctuate, apparently.

by Holly on Apr 29, 2009 2:56 PM EDT reply actions

Western stations do that Raven stuff in order to fulfill some “children’s programming” requirement.

I say college football is as educational and informational for our nation’s youth as anything else out there.

by Signal to Noise on Apr 29, 2009 2:56 PM EDT reply actions

As a result, I’ve taken to using the show’s name as a pejorative: “Ugh, Stella, that dress is SO Raven.”

by Holly on Apr 29, 2009 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

you should just stick to a long term, single enemy of the state: Jim Delaney.

of course, never let him find out who you are. if he does….well, learn to enjoy life in the underground.

and how dare you declare any alcohol an enemy of the state….

by jd on Apr 29, 2009 3:07 PM EDT reply actions

I’m still enemies with the Dodge Ram, mainly because of the RAM BOX!

by LSUKevin on Apr 29, 2009 3:13 PM EDT reply actions

To quote a friend when we did drag a bottle of Sweet Tea vodka to a tailgate party, “How in God’s name can anyone trust a vodka made in South Carolina?”

by ATL AU Tiger on Apr 29, 2009 3:18 PM EDT reply actions

Holly,

will you marry me?

fuck I’m married….

Holly, will you move to Utah with me and Missus Iggy and marry us both?

Just asking….

by iggy on Apr 29, 2009 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

What no Saban? Oh, I forgot, he IS the state.

“With Chizik at the helm it’ll go bad hilariously” – translation: many losses for my Tigers but a win over the tide. This would cause the rest of the SEC to laugh at not only us but our crimson nemesis as well.

And no, many losses with a win over Bama wouldn’t make the season a success. That attitude passed on when Bear did.

by sevenDs on Apr 29, 2009 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

[NAME REDACTED] is not an Enemy Of The State? As for this year’s JPW, we should know by halftime of the early September NCSU/USChikin game if Stephen Garcia will take the bull by the horns.

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 29, 2009 3:27 PM EDT reply actions

Stephen Garcia is whatever the opposite of an enemy of the state is. He’s my show pony this year.

by Holly on Apr 29, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

I once drank a half gallon of that Firefly Sweet tea vodka. After everything went black and white and fuzzy, I crashed my 4 yr old kids electric John Deere Gator in the river. 2 blocks from my house. In the dark. Off of a pier. The wrong pier. I thought it was my friends house. It wasnt. Somehow Firefly convinced me a kids electric vehicle would support over 200 lbs, and I was suprised how well it did.
No one was home, but the next day when they pulled their crab traps up, imagine the surprise of a having captured a submerged John Deere Gator on top of their traps as an added bonus. A wet nonworking vehicle $399.00 at Walmart bonus I had to replace.
So Firefly gets my vote as an enemy, hands down, and I blame Swindle. I heard about it here first.
And thats how I think Auburns season will end up. Going on long trip down a short pier, submerged on crab traps.And the promise of a working QB in the Spread. AGAIN.
And #1 Enemy of the Crimson Tide fans: Utah, we wont sleep til we get revenge, or win the BCS, whichever comes first.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 29, 2009 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

Mr. Pelican Pants @ 15,

That’s how our last season ended up. Take into account that at least this season, the OC will be there all season.

Oh I hope I dind’t jinx anything.

by sevenDs on Apr 29, 2009 3:47 PM EDT reply actions

Nerdly correction: the beast with a Billion backs. Also, my ass hurts from a torts exam i just took. Flunk’d

by swampchomp on Apr 29, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions

Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka is delish-ish-ness…used it for several tailgates this year – mixed liberally with fresh lemon & diet 7-up, christened them “John Dalys”…drank them frozen from the margerator at the FSU game – nothing like frozen drinks, hurricane-like rain and football in November!!! How long must we wait…will the off-season never end???

by g8rslm on Apr 29, 2009 3:59 PM EDT reply actions

swampchop, as a law school grad I can confirm that if you think you failed a law school exam it’s only because you correctly spotted the morass of legal issues contained therein and consequently actually did very well. Unless you weren’t able to resolve those issues correctly, in which case you totally frigging failed and will end up working at Jimmy John’s or Zaxby’s. Either of which probably pays better anyhow.

So either way you’re a winner. Have some more Firefly . . .

by MaconDawg on Apr 29, 2009 4:08 PM EDT reply actions

Enemies of the state… for 2009…

Athens Clarke County Cops? Walk across a public street on gameday with a Beam & Coke in a red solo cup and they got you; walk up and shoot three people and they’ll have no idea what happened until you’re in Mexico.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 29, 2009 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, iggy, don’t tell by Holly is engaged! snicker

Or did they break it off already?

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 29, 2009 4:32 PM EDT reply actions

re: That’s So Raven.

She works out at my West LA physical therapy center. I didn’t recognize her, or care about her until today. Next time she’s there, I’ll maneuver her between ESPN on the plasma and me. Then throw medicine balls at her belly until negative reinforcement hardwires her skull not to get between a college football fan and his sports fix.

by dogtown gator on Apr 29, 2009 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Do it. Dooooo iiiiiit.

by Holly on Apr 29, 2009 4:49 PM EDT reply actions

Re: #2

Holly Rowe is definitely an enemy, but not necessarily because of those reasons. Mostly, it’s just because she is unattractive. I didn’t know women sideline reporters were allowed to be that way.

by www.southbendblarney.com on Apr 29, 2009 6:33 PM EDT reply actions

while i’m obviously biased, i think mack brown and texas are worth considering, given the * incident and the 6 week cycle of stories about mack brown in some way bitching and moaning about the bcs

i humbly submit that an * after any mention of texas* or the longhorns* would be appropriate

by okiedomer on Apr 29, 2009 7:23 PM EDT reply actions

“Because FUCK CLEMSON (year 2!), that’s why.”

This is one post I can get behind. These kulaks must be destroyed. Increase their purple uniform taxes by 400%!

by robert on Apr 29, 2009 7:46 PM EDT reply actions

Can we add any announcers that discuss Tebow’s future as an NFL quarterback while the game is still in doubt? I’d rather listen to the ‘Click, Click Boom’ Pandora station.

by dogtown gator on Apr 29, 2009 9:18 PM EDT reply actions

Which is better, the build-up to college footbaw or college footbaw itself?

Ah Late Spring: NBA play-offs, early baseball, Fulmer cup kick-off, way-too-early-polls, Recruitniks quiet…

by Three Days of Orange on Apr 29, 2009 11:15 PM EDT reply actions

ahhh Orson, you funny fellow you…

we save up for Florida….

rolls another one in ‘Fuck Florida’ rolling papers and puts it on the pile

see you in a couple of years… Holly, can’t wait for this fall baby

by WarChiziken on Apr 29, 2009 11:32 PM EDT reply actions

Enemies of all: 42-year-old coaches. That’s right. Suck it, Gundy.

However, we can put this to positive use when Miguel and that Johnson guy get it on in the BCS title game, thereby leading to a playoff when the ratings come in below “Dark Blogging: The Orson Swindle Story” on Lifetime.

Yeah, I’m blitzed on Firefly.

by Counter Trap on Apr 30, 2009 9:32 AM EDT reply actions

What Kind of car are when whilst hurdling towards the tree?
Please say a stretch limo

by Chizik Nation on Apr 30, 2009 11:38 AM EDT reply actions

“Chibbaley Player of the Game.” Loop it and play it ad aeternum to B Musburger hog tied in a dark, reeking, windowless cell, for HE is the Enemy of the State. For that and for brown nosing front runners for so long he needs a shoe horn to remove the man manure from his ample schnoz.

by M Creosote on May 3, 2009 10:18 AM EDT reply actions