SURELY YOU JEST, MR. LEACH
by Orson on Apr 28, 2009 3:39 PM EDT
34 comments
A fancy parlor in London with frilly lady-types and gentlemen of considerable intellect engage in bold conversation with resident curmudgeon and holder of shocking opinions, Mr. Leach .
Frilly lady one: Surely you do not suggest Herr Schliemann's theories on the location of the ancient city of Troy are in fact correct? And that the city exists in the form he proposes, and that Agamemnon himself may be found in its dusty footings?
Frilly lady two: If we are to believe such specious thoughts, we may as well crawl on our knuckles and dine on the fruit of the ba-na-na tree, as Mr. Darwin's savage apes would have us doing a mere thousand years ago or so!
Coach Mike Leach, erupting from his chair: Cease, chickens.
Darwin is correct, but not in your case. Your ancestors' more evolved descendants are currently pecking corn from the floor of a barnyard. You, on the other hand, are pecking crumpets rudely from a tray and twisting the fine theories of Darwin into knots of misbegotten idiocy.
Frilly Ladies one and two: OH, THE DETESTABLE MR. LEACH. Must he always be so rude?
Mr. Leach: The truth is metal to add to the hot forge of an active mind, but it lands with a thud on the cold stove of a frigid brain devoid of all heat or fire.
Mr. Bummercund: Why, Leach, do you have any other preposterous ideas you'd like to vent today?
Mr. Leach: Certainly. For one, NFL coaches are terrible.
Frilly ladies in unison: Oh, heavens!
Mr. Leach: Yes, they're as unimaginative as the lobotomized camels of the Sahel and just as long-lived. One may coach safely as a position coach in the NFL for thirty years provided one possesses the ability to make coffee well and trouble rarely.
Mr. Bummercund: Shocking, sir. You defame the good name of the NFL!
Mr. Leach: The NFL defames itself with the crude graffiti of boredom each Sunday. It needs no help from me.
Mr. Bummercund: Harumph! How dare you! What further outrages have you?
Mr. Leach: Only these, and a thousand more: We shall be out of India by 1950, tea is a pisspot beverage that shall be the death of our productivity as a nation, the prison colony of Australia produces a finer meat pie than any you shall find on the island, Darwin was right, and that the Aggie coaching staff mismanaged the career of Steven McGee as badly as they could by turning a fine passer into a running quarterback first, and a brutalized passer in an overly complex West Coast system second.
Frilly lady one: Why, the way you state things factually! It's deplorable!
Frilly lady two: Yes! I'm particularly offended by your honesty, candor, and wit. They're all damn unBritish, sir.
Mr. Leach: Fortunately for you, I'm a savage colonist on holiday among his primitive forebears. One last thing: avoid Whitechapel tonight. I shall be traveling with a particularly energetic friend of mine you may know by the name of Jack.
Frilly ladies in unison: YOU KNOW THE RIPPER?
Mr. Leach: Yes, yes, a chronological migrant known in the 21st century as successful college football announcer Mike Patrick. I've been chasing him for years now. Tonight, he will be mine.
Mr. Bummercund: As loathsome as you are, Mr. Leach, your bravery is unquestionable. Hip-hip to you!
Mr. Leach: There's nothing brave about it. If you'd seen him kill Ron Franklin in front of your own eyes, you'd do the same, sir. Yes, you would.
[FIN]
0 recs |
34 comments
Email
Print
Comments
The best character you’ve created. Please give us more glimpses into this man and his environs in the future.
by Nathan on Apr 28, 2009 3:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Brilliant. Fucking Brilliant. 100 Cocktails to you sir!
by Billy From Baton Rouge on Apr 28, 2009 4:04 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Britney Spears approves of this post.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 28, 2009 4:16 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
For some reason, in my head, the voices of Frilly Ladies 1 & 2 are both voiced by Jon Stewart.
I must also remember to use “crude graffiti of boredom” in everyday conversation. Top notch stuff.
by robert on Apr 28, 2009 4:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Was he among Da Coach O’s Leeg o’ Extru-ordenery genamen (sic)?
by MaconDawg on Apr 28, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Everywhere I go
The people all know
Swindle keeps hitting that drank
[cue Lovelight]
by ohiodawg on Apr 28, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
While I like this incarnation of Leach I have always seen him more as Abraham Van Helsing.
by Anonymous IV on Apr 28, 2009 4:44 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I see you watched Dhani Tackles the Globe, too.
by Grib on Apr 28, 2009 4:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“This has all your food groups: pie, mashed potatoes, and peas.”
by Orson Swindle on Apr 28, 2009 5:09 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Hmmm. I thought that Lil’ Red killed Ron Franklin. Enlightened once again my British Leach.
by meatybob on Apr 28, 2009 4:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
No cocktails; 100 British pints and a punch on the nose.
A few more like this, and my Special Lady will be a CFB convert.
by softbatch on Apr 28, 2009 5:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That is the greatest period piece I’ve ever read. If that is made into a movie, my wife would watch it on an endless loop, just for the costumes! A lifetime of cocktails to you good sir, and all who sail with you.
by Crabapple Buck on Apr 28, 2009 5:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I shoulf smite you about the muttenchops, sir.
by teddiebrusci on Apr 28, 2009 5:16 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I have to sheepishly admit that I don’t always like these, but you had me at:
Frilly Ladies one and two: OH, THE DETESTABLE MR. LEACH.
As I was reading I kept wondering if you were taking content from some other real 19th century source, because it was golden.
by Tim on Apr 28, 2009 5:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Raa-ther, My assistant Mack Brown shall be disguised as one “Mary Kelly.” I shall allow Mr. Brown, err, Ms. Kelly to leave the door to her room open while I watch through a pinhole! Nothing could go wrong! Nothing!
by EastHoustonpondwater on Apr 28, 2009 5:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Sir, I make you an honorary Category #5 for this one :)
by der schatten on Apr 28, 2009 6:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
the venerable mr. ron howard tips his drink to you and jamie foxx alike, sir…
by Louisville Lip on Apr 28, 2009 6:34 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Dhani could also confirm the comment about NFL coordinators, too. The worst of the bunch is Kevin Gilbride on the Giants. (Even though Dhani played D, Gilbride’s incompetence is visible from afar.)
by HOSS on Apr 28, 2009 6:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I chortled so effusively that I’ve seen yet another monocle crash to the floor in mirthful death!
by swampchomp on Apr 28, 2009 7:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
having just seen a few of his movies, I must admit Coach Leach’s voice came through EXACTLY ilke W. C. Fields
I imagined him to have a fine cigar and putting a point on all his facts with a little poke and a puff
by WarChiziken on Apr 29, 2009 7:39 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
huzahh! brilliant work again good sir.
by tempebamafan on Apr 29, 2009 7:57 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I envision a Monty Python skit of this with Eric Idle and Michael Palin as the Two Frilly Ladies and John Cleese as Mr Leach, with Terry Gilliam as a fine Mr Bummercund.
by yoyofutbawl on Apr 29, 2009 8:12 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
#12
Lil’ Red did kill Ron Franklin… Mike Leach simply revealed Lil’ Red’s secret identity to be none other than Mike Patrick.
I’m sure it’ll be covered in the prequel.
by CincySooner on Apr 29, 2009 8:54 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Fantastic, you’ve inspired me to dust off my monocle.
by aawolve on Apr 29, 2009 9:22 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The moncole & the cape… bring ‘em back! Both would be bringin’ back sexy!…. In a stuffy 18th Century Victorian kind of way…
by One And Done on Apr 29, 2009 10:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
moncole = monocle…. stupid fingers!
by One And Done on Apr 29, 2009 10:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Would it be at all possible for you to tell us the story of when Coach Mike Leach infiltrated the court of Emperor Barkevious Mingo The Wise and seduced his mistress?
by Gurney Halleck on Apr 29, 2009 10:45 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Brilliant! I feel like dining on steak and kidney pie for lunch with mash, peas and a large snifter of Napolean brandy.
by The Hokie Abides on Apr 29, 2009 11:57 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2010 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
