FULMER CUPDATE: THE LONG DELAYED BIG BOARD

by Orson on Apr 28, 2009 12:43 PM EDT

The big board arrives, albeit with signficant marginal errors, we're sure. Still, it comes free from the boardkeeper Brian, who as always is endowed to a degree one might call Reggie Nelson-esque.

South Florida is ETJ3'd. Please spot the big asterisk noting an exceptional case with conditions and provisos attached: South Florida's score dwarfs the available competition by a wide margin. Cue FAILhorns, though: Puppello's substantial points are unabetted by a teammate, a situation disqualifying the score from consideration for the championship by itself. He is, however, the clear leader for the Ellis T. Jones Award, a title he's likely locked up (unless someone takes the challenge and pistolwhips four or more people in a single flurry. With the departure of Ronnie Wilson from Florida last year, that's not likely to happen.)

Correction: Florida State should be on the board with six points total after the arrest of Rod Owens, who celebrated his big spring game by getting hammered and toodling aroundTally, a privilege you may engage in if you're willing to pay the Mr. Toad's Wild Ride fun price of a DUI charge.

Further fairness, Further Correction: Just to keep up, Florida enters the fray with a five point performance from walk-on junior running back Marquis Hannah. Hannah earned a felony unarmed burglary charge and a misdemeanor battery charge for something that really, really ended up sucking for some poor dude in a dark apartment:

Hannah allegedly pushed his way inside the apartment Friday yelling at two females that "they needed to talk," according to jail records. A man awoke from the bedroom and Hannah allegedly struck him in the face, according to police records.

"Hey, what's going on I--BLAAAAOOOOWWW." The bonus point (home team, right?) gets us to five points. Urban Meyer had no comment other than to say he thought his eventual punishment of Marquis Hannah would be "harsh."

It's Ames. Iowa State gets a point for public intox, but no one blames you, sir.

It is Ames, Iowa after dark, and what happens in Ames, stays in Ames, mostly because no one but Seneca Wallace has ever left.

Um, it's Pullman. Same for Pullman, where two Washington State players account for three points on combined DUI/suspended license charges. It's not their fault either, since Georgia has outsourced their expensive driving violations operation to the cash-strapped Cougars for the year. (Seems to be working.)

The People's Republic of Evanston wants to taek ur gunz. Air rifles are banned in Evanston, since power comes from their barrels, and every decade or so takes out a stupid child's eyeball. It's also why Jeff Radek of Northwestern earned one point for Northwestern for possession of an air rifle, a sure sign THE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER IS BEGINNING!!! SAVE US JASON MCINTYRE!!!

It's water. Bacardi water. Marshall, underage drinking, and why no one uses rum bottles as water bottles after they're done with them. One small point for Marshall, a program that's toned down the festivities significantly in the post-Pruett era.

FnDC In that case it stands for "Fightin' 'n da Campus," as UConn linebacker Kijuan Dabney earned one point for second-degree disturbing the peace after he was asked to leave a school-sponsored event. That happened to us once at a school-sponsored orgy, but it was during our disastrous visit to Smith College, so it was understandable.

UConn may also pick up one point more for their team captain interfering with a police officer during a fight at an apartment complex during which officers recorded eight tackles, 4 sacks, and 2 TFL (tased fully and lovingly.)

Old shit, but......we award one point to Oklahoma for failure to show. We'd also put a INSERT TITLE GAME JOKE here, but we've been rewatching the title game, and that would be an inaccurate description of how close the Sooners came to winning that game. This should hurt more for Oklahoma fans, and that is by design. We're kind like that.

This should catch us up, but if not...drop them in the comments, please.

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Comments

Gene Chizik was able to get out of Ames.

by comoprozac on Apr 28, 2009 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

I appreciate the nod to “The Wind in the Willows.”

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 28, 2009 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t the guy from Marshall be awarded a bonus point for getting caught with the bottle of Bacardi walking across the POLICE PARKING LOT???

Not smart.

by JTG on Apr 28, 2009 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t WSU get 4 bonus points for their fourth player arrest to put them in the number 1 spot with 11 points?

There was Anthony Laurenzi for weed
Marshall Lobbestael for passing out in a police station
Michael Willis for DUI
Romeo Pellum for driving with a suspended license

by Theskipster on Apr 28, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,
I’m OK with the “home team” point but can’t we get a reduced sentence for Hannah being a practice squad player? Call it the Rudy Rule.

by Croc on Apr 28, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

Still conspicuously absent . . . . .

by Silver Britches on Apr 28, 2009 2:26 PM EDT reply actions

Silver:
No doubt, the ACC police must be slacking in their duties, surely they should be able to round up an underage football player or two with a beer in their hand, somewhere. And undoubtedly, at least one football player is passing out on the shitter of some downtown Athens bar each weekend.

ACC Cops, you are making a mockery of your profession! Represent!

by skinnyphatman on Apr 28, 2009 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

I thought the asterisk was because they supposedly won their conference and their assistants are getting paid bonus money.

by Roaminggator on Apr 28, 2009 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe you could give it to a combined Hawaiowa. I mean, those two states already have so much in common, right?

by jd4au on Apr 28, 2009 3:38 PM EDT reply actions

Missed this one on the Gators. Boy they are having a horrible offseason. Thet should have 10 points or more. I know the founders of this site are Gators but they are getting arrested left and right. Wake Up!

http://www.jacksonvillecriminalattorneyblog.com/2009/02/florida_gator_player_arrested.html

by David on Apr 28, 2009 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

Ahem.

http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090309/ARTICLES/903090909/1136?Title=Charge-vs-Carl-Johnson-dismissed

Thank you.

by Orson Swindle on Apr 28, 2009 4:04 PM EDT up reply actions

Mr. Walk On is about to be a Walk Off

by Morgan on Apr 28, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

I’m not comfortable with a walk-on who’s never played even a special teams snap against Citadel earning us points. It feels cheap. Like getting rewarded for something we didn’t earn. I’m not sure the Rudy rule even goes far enough in discounting the infractions.

If only there were some lawyers in the commentariat who could help provide insight into this legal quandary.

by dogtown gator on Apr 28, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions

Mr. Walk-On/Walk-Off was a criminology major. Maybe he was involved in some extra credit work to bring his grades up.

by hobeg8r on Apr 28, 2009 4:58 PM EDT reply actions

#14
I think its either called being an “intern” or “field work” or “on the job training, for the bad guy” since you have to have a good guy and a bad guy to play cops and robbers, and he wanted to see how far this cop would take this situation, ya know, for research. When wrasslin with the police, always dare them to taze you, and tell them that you won’t shut up til they do.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 28, 2009 5:39 PM EDT reply actions

The Carl Johnson Meme Continues.

I WILL NOT REST UNTIL CARL JOHNSON IS INDICTED AND SENTENCED TO LIFE IN PRISON.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/02/17/fulmer-cup-birds-and-beasts/#more-9047

So… um… Orson. About that Carl Johnson guy?

/kicks stone sheepishly

by vegas_buckeye on Apr 28, 2009 6:57 PM EDT reply actions

Mr. Walk Off? You mean Kevin Youkilis?

Marshall should earn two bonus points: one for walking across the police parking lot and one for have the balls/drunk enough to actually the cop that the rum bottle contained water. However, three points should be deducted from Marshall’s score for the shame of having a player caught drinking Bacardi Razz.

by Dougo on Apr 28, 2009 6:57 PM EDT reply actions

What is the final verdict on Torri Williams points-wise from yesterday. it was only driving on a suspended license, but it is his fourth run-in with the law after a DUI, an involvement with a stabbing, and a stealing condoms bust.

by T-Mill on Apr 28, 2009 8:54 PM EDT reply actions

It isnt even summer yet, give my boys from tampa time… we are at the top now, and we will be there in the end…. too much cool/bad sh*t to get into in tampa not to….

by stephen on Apr 28, 2009 9:40 PM EDT reply actions

Holy shit! How can you leave out Carl Johnson, you homer?!? CARL JOHNSON. CARL JOHNSON. I don’t fucking care if the charges were dropped! CARL JOHNSON. CARL. JOHNSON. Did I mention CARL JOHNSON?!?

I think there’s a new EDSBS Award. You guessed it ladies and germs. The CARL JOHNSON Award. An honorary award to the player, preferably from Florida, who gets the most snarky reminders to include points for something where the charges were dropped.

by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 28, 2009 11:23 PM EDT reply actions

As a resident of the Aloha State, I would like to point out that our Fighting Rainbow Warrior’s points are all the work of JUST ONE GUY, and that additional charges may still be brought. Also.

by AZDuck on Apr 29, 2009 2:52 AM EDT reply actions

You might need a Queen of Hearts ruling on your 4-time-loser bonus point. It’s unclear in the article whether Pellum and Willis were arrested separately or together.

by CincySooner on Apr 29, 2009 8:42 AM EDT reply actions