If you haven't seen Texts from Last Night, we're about to alleviate the poverty of your existence with a bailout of unprecedented comic size and pork-itude. Taken from reader-submitted text messages sent in various impaired states or shortly thereafter, it's pretty much a rundown of your wasted years that you may either look fondly back on, or use as a basis of comparison for your current dissolute life. (We feel much, much better about ourselves after reading it.)
There's no reason this couldn't happen in our corner of the universe, of course. Or in yours, football-wise.
(404) How'd the date go? Run the triple option on her? LOL
(404) No. Ricky Jean-Francois ran in and took her before I could.
(865) How's it feel to be a Tennessee Vol, huh?
(352) This is a wrong number, this is Urban Meyer, and you're sending texts to a recruit in a dead period.
(865) UR TEXTING RECRUITZ IN A DED PERYUD LOL -KIFFZ
(480) so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
(225) Just split a pair of twos and then doubled down. You're damn right it worked.
(213) Up at 4 a.m. playing a little jenga with Michael J. Fox. For charity. So inspiring. WIN FOREVER.
(614) Woke up in parking lot of Caesar's Indiana with my arm in a sling and no pants. Arm is not broken. Tell Krenzel that's the last time we go out "recruiting" together.
(205) Don't text me. I'm busy. But next time, buy nipple clamps with real bite, dammit, if you're gonna use 'em.
(512) Everyone, let's welcome Chris Anthony to this world: 8 lbs., 7 oz, and a fine commit to our 2027 Longhorn recruiting class already.
(305) Just come play for Da U. I promise not to tell you anymore stories about people I've seen get shot or stabbed.
(517) From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight. Every tie, tied.
(319) What should I do?
(319) Lay low for a few days. Hope no one took pictures. Remind all that snitches get stitches.
(319) Ur the best Coach.
(319) Not Coach either. Call me Transporter. Delete this text message.