TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT, EDSBS EDITION

by Orson on Apr 27, 2009 2:13 PM EDT

Texting. Anyone can do it.

If you haven't seen Texts from Last Night, we're about to alleviate the poverty of your existence with a bailout of unprecedented comic size and pork-itude. Taken from reader-submitted text messages sent in various impaired states or shortly thereafter, it's pretty much a rundown of your wasted years that you may either look fondly back on, or use as a basis of comparison for your current dissolute life. (We feel much, much better about ourselves after reading it.)

There's no reason this couldn't happen in our corner of the universe, of course. Or in yours, football-wise.

(404) How'd the date go? Run the triple option on her? LOL

(404) No. Ricky Jean-Francois ran in and took her before I could.

(865) How's it feel to be a Tennessee Vol, huh?

(352) This is a wrong number, this is Urban Meyer, and you're sending texts to a recruit in a dead period.

(865) UR TEXTING RECRUITZ IN A DED PERYUD LOL -KIFFZ

(480) so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?

(225) Just split a pair of twos and then doubled down. You're damn right it worked.

(213) Up at 4 a.m. playing a little jenga with Michael J. Fox. For charity. So inspiring. WIN FOREVER.

(614) Woke up in parking lot of Caesar's Indiana with my arm in a sling and no pants. Arm is not broken. Tell Krenzel that's the last time we go out "recruiting" together.

(205) Don't text me. I'm busy. But next time, buy nipple clamps with real bite, dammit, if you're gonna use 'em.

(512) Everyone, let's welcome Chris Anthony to this world: 8 lbs., 7 oz, and a fine commit to our 2027 Longhorn recruiting class already.

(305) Just come play for Da U. I promise not to tell you anymore stories about people I've seen get shot or stabbed.

(517) From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight. Every tie, tied.

(319) What should I do?

(319) Lay low for a few days. Hope no one took pictures. Remind all that snitches get stitches.

(319) Ur the best Coach.

(319) Not Coach either. Call me Transporter. Delete this text message.

(319) Gotcha

Tweet Comment 18 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

(574) I dont know what the hell we drank last night, but everywhere I look this damn singing dolphin keeps showing up.

by NDEddieMac on Apr 27, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

“Call me Kermit cause I’m about to go piggin”

I see Bret Bielema is off recruiting another 280-lb bubble butt running back who runs a 4.5.

by Sam @ WWAHT on Apr 27, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

(803) We’ll never lose to Clemson again, I promise. And yes this time I mean it. Next year.

by AParker on Apr 27, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

(785) I had a salad, then chased it with a couple Baconators. Boston Marathon here I come!

by TheGreatShocka on Apr 27, 2009 2:38 PM EDT reply actions

(508) DACOCHO HAS DA TENAHSEE LAHNMEN TAHD UPTODAH BUMPAH!! WE GOIN FO A LIDDAH RUN!!

by CincySooner on Apr 27, 2009 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

(697) Garcia’s doin Tai Chi on the the roof of his van!!
(697) LOL Tell him that TFMM says hi!!

(618) Stuck up chick totally left me hanging at the bar tonight
(618) sorry to hear that man… head on home, sleep it off, and tomorrow tell everyone you nailed her anyway. What was her name btw?
(618) Some foreign name… Asterisk or something.

by CincySooner on Apr 27, 2009 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

grades? don’t worry about grades. we’ve got lawyers for that.

by bbbbowden on Apr 27, 2009 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

(217): I’m trashed wearing your mom’s snuggie. She says hello.

Winner, winner chicken dinner!

by Touchdown74 on Apr 27, 2009 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

(814) Dad finally gave me unlimited text messages. It’s such a great HD day.

by psuphiman80 on Apr 27, 2009 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

(480) TWIIIIIIIIIIIINS

by Holly on Apr 27, 2009 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

(662) Donna, you still up?
(479) No, please erase my number

by Bunkie Perkins on Apr 27, 2009 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

(334) So we got this limo and we’re going to fill it with coaches and cash and recruits
(205) …………
(334) I can tell by your stunned silence that my Tiger limo fills you with fear
(205) No, I just think this means I can take the whole summer off and I don’t know what to do with that much free time. Good luck with your seven stretch Hummers.
(334) Oh no, we just bought one limo. Puttin’ every single coach in it. And it’s not a Hummer, we went with the Lincoln, cause that’s what the kids like these days. Lincolns.
(205) (The inaudible sound of disbelief)

by Bamaman on Apr 27, 2009 4:38 PM EDT reply actions

The best one of all:

(760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
(619): Cremation, why do you ask?
(760): I think we have a bit of a problem

by Digital Headbutt on Apr 27, 2009 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

(814): .—- - . .—. .-/ ~~. . . -.. … -…/ .~~. .- .. -. …

or, alternatively,

(814): CAVERNOUS HUNGER STOP.
(814): SEND BRAINS STOP.

by Jebus on Apr 27, 2009 5:27 PM EDT reply actions

Crap, that first one should be:

(814): .— — . .–. .-/ ~~. . . -.. … /-… .~~. .- .. -. …

Stupid fingers.

by Jebus on Apr 27, 2009 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

@12

(205) Yeh we saw your “limo”
(334) Sweet ride aint it?
(205) Its a freakin old hearse with a ugly tiger on a cheesy magnetic sign and the tag on it says “DYN2RYD”
(334) Yeh it may be old, but it will fill with recruits “dyn” to kick your asses
(205) I promise, you will need that hearse after you face us in November. Bring it and about 22 more. LOL.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 27, 2009 9:51 PM EDT reply actions