I'M TYPING THIS WHILE DOING PUSHUPS FOR CHARITY

by Orson on Apr 24, 2009 12:06 PM EDT

Hey, everyone. Coach Compete here. That's Pete Carroll, in case you didn't know. Of the USC Trojans. Sorry I'm late on posting, but I just did four hundred pushups for a local charity that helps crippled chihuahuas quit the gang lifestyle and have more productive lifestyles. I had to dictate a business book while doing it, so it took longer than it normally would. Excuse me.

[picks up phone] No, that's fine Barry. They're not serious. Send and envoy, double down on the anti-nuke incentives, and keep up the drone attacks on the borders. If Sy Hersh gets a hold of it, I'll kick him in the balls for you with some of my South L.A. boys, okay? Sweet. Smack Michelle on the ass for me. Yes, twice just to get all of that sweet hamhock. Laters. [/hangs up]

I've got a new kids website I'd like to tell you about. It's called CampPete.com, and it contains loads of goodies to help kids learn about football, sportsmanship, and the valuable lessons of sportsmanship. It also has a place where your six year old can upload their 40 times, hang clean numbers, and their contact information for Coach Pete to call them personally!

Oh, look, former Mexican Vice President Vicente Fox! Que pasa, Presidente?

--Nada, hombre. Just wanted to thank you personally for addressing the issues of drug-related violence in Ciudad Juarez. In gratitude for you negotiating the freedom of eight Federales being held hostage by drug dealers, we have erected a statue of you in the town square pointing toward the new sunrise of peace and freedom in our city. Our gratitude is boundless.

No problem Vicente. I was on the way down there to build an orphanage for stray burros anyway. Least I could do. Now, if you'll both excuse me I have to go pull Brennan out of a snack machine. Fourth time this week he's gotten his arm stuck in it trying to get free Zingers. Never eat that stuff myself, as I live exclusively on organic greens, egg whites, and victory.

WIN FOREVER---

Coach Pete.

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If former astronaut Edgar Mitchell is right – and there are aliens, I am POSITIVE that the first human they would abduct (and keep for their world) is Pete Carroll.

by hobeg8r on Apr 24, 2009 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

I’m glad I’m not the only one who refers to the potus as Barry.

by bj on Apr 24, 2009 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

Vicente Fox is going to be my graduation speaker in a couple of weeks. Lord knows what sort of knowledge he’ll drop on a bunch of hungover-ass college kids waiting for a damn diploma.

by BurritoBrosShits on Apr 24, 2009 1:15 PM EDT reply actions

It’s not hyperbole, it’s reality

by crane on Apr 24, 2009 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

God help us when our Steampunk Emperor meets Mighty Pete.

Thankfully I still have my 3months of food rations from Y2K, so I may be able to survive the fallout of such meeting.

by JediBendu on Apr 24, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

well done as always, O/S. Ol’ Barry should create a Cabinet position just for you, but something tells me you’re holding out for a position in the forthcoming Mingo administration.

by tomcat on Apr 24, 2009 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

Smack Michelle on the ass for me. Yes, twice just to get all of that sweet hamhock.

that’s some downhome talk there Pete – getcha in trouble every time

by WarChiziken on Apr 24, 2009 2:11 PM EDT reply actions

Love that fresh case of epilepsy.

by Zone Left on Apr 24, 2009 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

On an unrelated note, his campaign to get Will Ferrell on Twitter came to fruition earlier today, or so Facebook has told me. And Facebook never lies.

by GTSteve on Apr 24, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

that was fucking brilliant. just amazing work. bravo. i’m going to make my wife read this one…

by tempebamafan on Apr 24, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

You do know Fox was actually President of Mexico, not VP, right??

Fight on either way.

by chickensupernova on Apr 24, 2009 4:08 PM EDT reply actions

jedi @ 5: What I’m really hoping for this year is the chance to see Pete try and come up with a gameplan to deal with Tebow. Playing against the emperor would be fine as well, of course. But we have a few years for that matchup to happen.

by oc phil on Apr 24, 2009 4:23 PM EDT reply actions