THE EDSBS RANDOM ELEMENT DRAFT (JUST AS MUCH SENSE AS THE NFL DRAFT)
by Orson on Apr 23, 2009 11:56 AM EDT
Email
PrintOkay, since the NFL draft blows spiky cat dick, we're doing an EDSBS Random Element draft. This is where you get to pick a random element in any scene which improves it. For example? Well, standing on a midget's shoulders and wearing a long trenchcoat to make it look like you're one tall and very uncoordinated person, for example. This always makes a scene.
The order of the draft as chosen at random will be:
1. Holly
2. Oops Pow Surprise
3. The Great Barstoolio
4. Doug
5. O/S
Please answer in this manner and chain the email around, lest we get out of order. Feel free to include media you feel would get your point across: video, audio, images, collages, papier-mache...whatever works for you.
There will be three rounds. Once an element has been chosen, it is off the board (as are its derivatives.)
Go.
Holly With the first pick of the EDSBS Random Element Draft, Holly selects a swarm of radio-controlled killer bees to do my team's bidding. Good for batting down errant passes as well as crowd control in the less civilized parts of the stands, this is the slam-dunk, can't miss, Manning pick of the draft. (Peyton, not Eli, because bees would never bitch out and get their daddy to demand a trade to a higher-profile market.) And lest we forget, as ever: "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!" is immensely satisfying to say.
Oops Pow Surprise: Continuing on the animal theme, I think you have to look at Monkey With Gun at #2.
Yes, I know chimps are actually apes; in that same vein, tomatoes are also actually fruits, and you are also actually a shit-eating penisface.
Chimps are monkeys because I fucking well say so. Other cute, living things you can imbue with lethal force without them having any sense of the consequences it entails are babies, the mentally challenged, and otters. Otters can shoot guns, right?
The Great Barstoolio: In this round I choose framed portraits with spy eyes. It's the sort of thing that allows me to permanently live in a Scooby-Doo world where even preppy chumps like Fred are actually pretty cool and drive party vans. It keeps party guests on edge, me in the know, and framed jerseys off my walls.
Doug Gillett: With the fourth overall pick in the Random Element Draft, Hey Jenny Slater Enterprises p.l.c. selects Phil Hartman. Yes, I know the dude's been dead for more than a decade, but goddamn, he made every single movie or show he was in, whether he was a central figure or just a ten-second cameo. "Saturday Night Live"? Funniest cast member ever; don't even act like the "Charlton Heston and Al Goldstein Record the Books-on-Tape Version of Madonna's 'Sex' Book" didn't bring tears to your eyes. "NewsRadio"? Totally flamed out after the off-screen death of Bill McNeal. "The Simpsons"? Was so good as Troy McClure that the writers wrote in additional parts for him. Even his short bit in "So I Married an Axe Murderer" as "Vicky" the Alcatraz tour guide still nearly makes me wet myself.
His desiccated corpse is funnier than 90% of the comedians out there today; prop his dead ass up on stage and Carlos Mencia would probably still steal jokes from him.
Orson: With the fifth overall pick in the draft, I select STUNTMAN ON FIRE. Stuntman on fire has captivated the EDSBS staff ever since his first appearance in the film "The Swamp Thing" where he crashed through a laboratory suspiciously loaded with whole sheets of glass and big, breakable beakers. Sadly, the scene ended with him falling into a swamp and thus extinguishing his distinctive flames. Hollywood ruins everything.
No scene is unimproved by the presence of STUNTMAN ON FIRE. Nobel Prize Speech? Better if it involved a man on fire. Christening ceremony? Needs more STUNTMAN ON FIRE. A tender moment of love-making with your significant other? All the hotter when a STUNTMAN ON FIRE flails his way around your room.
+15 if he's falling and on fire.
Holly: With the first pick of the second round, I select airbrushed critter t-shirts, available online at http://www.animalshirts.net/.
Because nothing says FIERCE FOREVER WINNING like a cartoon deer tearing its way through your ribcage ready to show the world what the fuck is what.
Oops Pow Surprise: With the 7th overall pick, the Tighty Whiteys select Guy Who's Getting Undressed When He Shouldn't. We're not huge fans of full frontal male nudity or anything, but the Chris Farley Chippendale's audition, Will Ferrell's Thong Patriot skit, and Randy Marsh's special brand of patriotism make ill-advised male sartorial dispensation a value pick in the 7th slot.
Barstoolio: With the 4th pick in the second round, I select a pair of diamond-encrusted footie pajamas. Because a) footie pajamas are awesome, and b) if I'm able to drop that kind of coin on sleepwear I can also afford to have an exact replica of the old orange Bowl rebuilt anywhere. Or five or six of them. Diamond footie pajamas would also have the effect of turning me into a human disco ball, and I defy you to imagine any scene that could not be improved with the addition of a disco ball.
Doug Gillett: With the ninth overall pick in the draft, I select: bacon.
We've already established that it is a tangible improvement to every meal, from sandwiches and breakfasts to chocolate and other desserts (ask Holly about the recipe she found for cinnamon rolls with bacon rolled up inside them), but it also improves the smell of most things, and dammit, it just LOOKS good. Plate of scrambled eggs looks lonely all by itself, but drop some bacon on that plate and it's a MEAL, son. Marisa Miller in a bikini, hott; Marisa Miller in a bikini HOLDING A PLATE PILED HIGH WITH CRISPY BACON, even hotter, in ways that I'm not even sure I can fully verbalize. Like gold, Angelina Jolie, and the scent of the top of a baby's head, bacon's appeal is omnisexual, panglobal, universal.
Orson: At the ten spot I reach into the mid-majors to select a diamond in the rough: Play him off, keyboard cat.
Don't lie. If that just happened at random in the middle of the day you'd shit your pants so hard with laughter they'd fly off like they were spring-loaded khaki missiles.
Holly: Third round! For my final pick, I select the ability to make my head spin around 360 degrees when angered. Fuck invisibility and the hell with the power of human flight--here's a superpower that'll really drop some jaws. Also, great icebreaker at parties.
Oops Pow Surprise: Going back to the animal well one more time for the last pick: musical animal noises make anything hilarious.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
Barstoolio: For their final pick, Team Barstoolio selects "Machete." Prop it in a corner, de-tail shrimp, or slice Jim Tressel's tits off in an abandoned mosquito-filled warehouse down by the river: whether for use or decor, every scene can be 97% more full of madcap tropical danger with a machete around.
(Or just this guy:) (NSFW:)
Doug Gillett: For their third-round pick in the 2009 draft, Hey Jenny Slater Enterprises p.l.c. selects the last minute and fifty-eight seconds of The Police's hit 1981 single "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." Maybe a bit of a reach at #14, but this song was where The Police went from "three nice British guys with a bit of a reggae sound to them" to "oh my god, best pop band ever, PLEASE DON'T EVER BREAK UP." And if you have any faith whatsoever in the power of music to uplift the human spirit, the two-minute jam-out at the end of this song should have you bouncing around your living room, car, or wherever you happen to be listening. Otherwise, you have no soul and should go to work for AIG.
Orson: hereby conclude this Random Event Draft by choosing Korean Student Riot of the mid to late 1980s.
You don't know why they're fighting, who they're fighting, or even what all of those banners they're carrying say. You just know that they're on fire at the moment, and being trampled underfoot by riot police in Darth Vader masks going toe-to-to with tiny enraged 18 year old engineering students throwing 20 pound roof tiles off the roofs of their dorms at the cops. I cannot imagine something more memorable than a massive Korean Student Riot breaking out while you were, oh I don't know...getting a fresh cinnamon bun at IKEA, and then turning around to watch a demonstrator laugh as a riot cop pours pepper spray into his unflinching eyes.
Mel Kiper thinks Barstoolio clinched this with "Machete" in the third. Leave your own random event picks below.
45 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
With bacon off the board, I’m taking Tim Tebow’s little black book with my first pick. And as my supplemental first rounder (via trade with Holly for a Peyton Manning Fat Head), I select Vince Young’s tree trunk.
Mel Kiper loves this tandem pick. “Lotta upside here. Only question I have is stamina, but he’s got time to work on that. Great vision here.”
by PB @ BON on Apr 23, 2009 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
wow. that dog with the keyboard might be the funniest ting i’ve ever seen. i’m going to try that when i get home.
by adam b on Apr 23, 2009 12:35 PM EDT reply actions
How bacon fell to the ninth spot is incomprehensible. Framed portraits with spy eyes, and critter airbrushing t-shirts aren’t even fit to hold bacon’s jock strap. All I can guess is that bacon was somehow involved in the Percy Harvin incident at the combine.
by JIMatUA on Apr 23, 2009 12:43 PM EDT reply actions
It’s not pretty. We’re dealing with some profound ideologies here, ya know. On the one side is anti-abortion, and on the other side JINGO! I have a machete.
by Zord on Apr 23, 2009 12:46 PM EDT reply actions
I think “Personal Travelling Theme Music” not being selected is a crime.
It worked for Peter Griffin:
http://www.flicklife.com/eac7b87d49a13c683497/Family_Guy_Peter_gets_his_own_theme_music.html
by GamecockTony on Apr 23, 2009 12:50 PM EDT reply actions
Damn, I may be showing my age but I was SURE someone would pick Rodan (from the Japanese sci-fi films) in the animals category. I guess a centuries-old evil monster qualifies as an animal. Mesmerizing to watch with really bad lip synchs and cheesy special effects. A real sleeper pick.
by hobeg8r on Apr 23, 2009 12:53 PM EDT reply actions
Bacon is by far the steal of the draft. There is no topping it, though a fitting complement may have been military fly over in missing man formation. Afterburners glowing and engines roaring so loud it causes heart palpitations.
I think I turned myself on.
by ClemsonHorn on Apr 23, 2009 12:53 PM EDT reply actions
and now, a haiku:
yakkov smirnoff waits.
supplemental draft he hopes
his day will arrive
by vegas_buckeye on Apr 23, 2009 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
I’m just shocked that crocodile on a pink motorcycle will be available as a free agent. http://www.univenter.com/unique.html
by NavinRJohnson on Apr 23, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions
And no draft would be complete without draft analysis.
Holly: No consistency. probably pursuing the “best athlete available” approach, something that rarely works. Animal t-shirts? Everyone’s had a take on this recently. I feel as though she mailed this one in. Grade: C-
OPS: No surprise with this strong performance. Monkey with a gun applies to everyone at some point and the universal appeal serves him well. Potential drift into awkward homoerotic territory in round 2 avoided through well reasoned support of the pick. Grade: B+
The Great Barstoolio: Ok, some bloggers DO live in their mother’s basement. Grade: “I dropped the class so it shouldn’t go against my GPA”
Doug: A self absorbed set of picks, either you love ‘em or hate ’em. I was looking for a reference to Stewart Copeland’s famous fill toward the end of ELTSDIM, but a smart pick nonetheless. Bacon? Coupled with a visual HT to automatic weapons? Genius! The sleeper of this draft. Grade: A
OS: Started strong. Reaching a little too hard to justify his second round pick. Solid third rounder, and a good way to justify earlier years spent dithering overseas. Grade: B
by ohiodawg on Apr 23, 2009 1:14 PM EDT reply actions
I announce a free agent deal for stock footage of Greg Morris and Peter Lupus tightening screws and connecting wires and shit on the original “Mission: Impossible.” You cannot top badass late ‘60s early 70’s squinting and perspiration in a lightly disguised East German environment with just anything. And by just anything, I mean machetes and monkeys (and/or apes).
by Counter Trap on Apr 23, 2009 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
And what will I do with TWO Peyton Fatheads?? Make them fight, that’s fucking what.
by Holly on Apr 23, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
With my first pick, I choose a deepfryer. Even bacon is improved by deep frying. Hell, even non-food things are improved by deep frying.
by Jebus on Apr 23, 2009 1:18 PM EDT reply actions
I can’t believe that “Another Tim Tebow Metaphor” is still in the green room. Sure, it may not have the right skill set to be under center at the next level, but the GCFPOAT will be a fine fullback. And you know you need a fullback.
by Dubydee on Apr 23, 2009 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
The most awesome collection of random EVER! This should be an annual pre-draft tradition.
by John on Apr 23, 2009 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
If I had a pick, I’d select a non-working keyboard for Tim Brewster’s computer.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Apr 23, 2009 2:04 PM EDT reply actions
How in the hell was Houston Nutt not picked? The man is a walking plot/punchline/caricature. Jimmy Sexton is soooooo pissed.
by Hawgustus Caesar on Apr 23, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
The only excuse for alcohol not going in the first round has to be that every team already had that roster spot filled with the fermented product that best fits their system.
This is the only circumstance in which this is acceptable.
by CincySooner on Apr 23, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
Man, someone left Random Robot dancing guy from the Chappelle Show to the 4th round, please Holly, tell me you’d be all over that so I can fell all is right with the world again…
by Just another Michigan Man on Apr 23, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
I would have to go with Kim Bauer. With all due respect to bacon, it would only cover her up, and that just wont do.
by Terry Tate, Office Linebacker on Apr 23, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions
With my first pick in the random event draft, I’d have to go with Unaimed Maching Gun Barrage. Nothing’s more effective when a lone gunner need effortlessly dispatch an entire plattoon of enemies. Just find trigger, flex egregiously, pull trigger, and flail. None shall be left standing.
Governator, if you would please demonstrate.
Eh, Thank You.
by IrishinAnnArbor on Apr 23, 2009 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
Haven’t thought about The Swamp Thing in years. Sunlight made his severed limbs grow back if I recall.
by Vol on Apr 23, 2009 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
ESPN says that while musical animals have plenty of raw talent, they lack the “IT” factor. Also they may or may not have smoked a little tree at some point maybe.
That’s some analysis right there, son.
by Irish09 on Apr 23, 2009 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
The inanimate carbon rod is still waiting for the phone call.
by Anonymous IV on Apr 23, 2009 3:30 PM EDT reply actions
My first round pick would be the infamous Car Badger:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-SK1-iILlY
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 23, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions
Phil Hartman is the steal of this draft.
Who can forget his appearance on Late Night where he did his Clinton impression at a town hall meeting:
Clinton: “Here’s another letter… Dear President Clinton: Jennifer Flowers says you have a small penis. Well, that’s just not true. Jennifer Flowers has a big mouth.”
This, according to Hartman, kept him from being invited to the Prince’s Charity Thingy in England. The Clintons said if he was there, they wouldn’t be. A point of pride for PH.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 23, 2009 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
Bacon has S-E-CEEEEEE speed and runs a great route, but someone is going to hell for that tumbling wheelchair/cat video and therefore gets to exit the Green Room first, IMO.
by Flatlander on Apr 23, 2009 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
In the second round I pick Oops Pow Surprise from Chappelle:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giL1VNEbKrI
In the 3rd round, I pick the Giant big ass creepy bug scene from King Kong 2005:
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 23, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
I love it when these things are construed as questions. “You left out _?” No, it’s there, just in SPECIAL INVISIBLE INK INTERNET TEXT designed to irritate you, specifically.
by Holly on Apr 23, 2009 4:55 PM EDT reply actions
Why no one took Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards with a third round pick is beyond me. He can survive anything and would ensure your franchise would survive for generations.
by Captain Kirk on Apr 23, 2009 6:08 PM EDT reply actions
I’d have to go with “disturbingly loyal -stani militia” in the first round. Big upside in that pick.
by robert on Apr 23, 2009 9:20 PM EDT reply actions
Rich Brooks thinks this whole draft is bullshit. How does Tom Selleck’s mustache come out of this thing as an undrafted free agent?
I would’ve snagged Magnum PI’s lipbrush with the first overall pick, sat back, and watched the panties drop. Then, I would’ve picked up Chuck Norris’s beard in the second round and immediately assembled the greatest asskicking duo in history. McGyver’s paper clip in round three would’ve given me the desired decades-long dynasty that George Steinbrenner only imagines in his wettest dreams.
If any of you need a GM for your random element draft teams, you know where to look.
by fresh on Apr 23, 2009 9:59 PM EDT reply actions
While I’m at it, there are still some astonishingly huge picks available on the draft board. My five best available:
1. Fuck Lion
2. Sylvester Croom’s voice
3. Memphis sketchiness
4. Kenny Fucking Powers
5. Bartles and Jaymes Premium Wine Coolers
by fresh on Apr 23, 2009 10:09 PM EDT reply actions
Can’t wait for Bartman’s AM/FM Sony Walkman to dominate the CFL. Equally pleased to know that my compost pile made the correct decision in returning for an additional to become more seasoned. Hooray draft!
by LakeMcBride on Apr 23, 2009 10:39 PM EDT reply actions
My personal draft:
Round 1: Cinematic Training Montage, for the win. If it’s good enough for Rocky and good enough for Team America: World Police, by gum it’s good enough for my first round pick. Cue the music, enjoy the slow motion running, and prepare for victory.
Round 2: Enraged Islamic Protester Guy. Nothing says “I’m gonna blitz all night!” like an epithet shouting, effigy burning, religious militant with a taste for human blood. Allah Akbar motherfuckers.
Round 3: Cross-Dressing British Comedians. You want to disrupt opposing offenses, you need unpredictability. And nothing is as predictably unpredictable as a bunch of 40-something Brits singing clever songs in women’s undergarments. Sing with me now! “I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK…”
by Busted Draft Pick on Apr 23, 2009 10:43 PM EDT reply actions
With the sixth pick in the 3rd round, I select Fred Durst’s Used Condom Collection. Bacon does not make this any better.
by Dawg 05 on Apr 23, 2009 10:49 PM EDT reply actions
“Benny Lava doing Air Sitar” is still available?
by Spats on Apr 24, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions
I think this passes last summer’s Interview with the Hulk as the Greatest EDSBS post I have ever seen. Honorable mention: anything with Pepper, the Notre Dame Dolphin of unreasonable expectations.
My draft pick: real life interspersed with criticism by Statler and Waldorf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14njUwJUg1I
by ronald on Apr 24, 2009 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
As always, too many picks going to flashy, risky skill players that never turn out to be as good as advertised.
That’s why I’d go with … naps. Naps are the big, reliable, steady offensive linemen that make everything, and everyone around them, better.
by diamondm on Apr 24, 2009 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
My first pick would be cool uncles who tell you dirty jokes and let you take baby sips when you’re a kid.
by MCab on Apr 24, 2009 5:42 PM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
