COACH O TO TURN MOVIE INTO GREATEST FILM EVER MADE

by Orson on Apr 16, 2009 12:15 PM EDT

The Blind Side is being made into a movie. It will feature Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock as the Tuohys, and Quinton Aaron, who you may remember as "bodyguard 2" from Law and Order, as Michael Oher. Tim McGraw's in it, so you know it's total shit gonna be awesome.

Actually, the whole thing just got scrapped. Goodbye, heartwarming triumph of the spirit; hello, erotic masterpiece/wildlife documentary:

Speaking of which, a while back a buddy and I had wondered about who Hollywood would get to play Orgeron in the movie about Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Turns out, Orgeron is going to play the role himself. Next week he's slated to go to Atlanta to do his scene with Sandra Bullock, the star of the movie.

"But I, John Lee Hancock, didn't write a love scene into the movie!!!" DASSATOOBADDIRECTAHBOAH!!! And thus prepare yourself for the most mindbending, violent, pec-flexing love scene since Team America redefined what puppet sex meant to you. What started as a 100 minute tale of love and redemption is now a 20 minute football sitcom episode with a five-hour sexcapade sandwiched in the middle. You're welcome, America.

Coach O, you were supposed to wear more for this scene. It's 45 seconds of dialogue. NOTANNAHMOAH!!!

The Blind Side was probably headed for a PG-13 before this, but once you get Ed Orgeron in a room with Sandra Bullock and say the words "ACTION!", there's really no keeping it from crossing over into NC-17. Furniture will be smashed. Available foodstuffs will be used for unspeakable acts. Cajun butter will be employed. If you can imagine the Incredible Hulk in musth on a Viagra-spiked vacation to the beaches of hell, you may come close to approximating what will be captured on film that night--if the equipment doesn't melt from the very sight of so much animal lust poured into a single fragile lens. (And it will, if it's not eaten first.)

Tweet Comment 12 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Read More: my-god-the-orgeron, the-orgeron

Comments

It’ll be like the love scene in Demolition Man between Sandra Bullock and Sly Stallone, except you could kinda understand what Sly was saying.

by Bunkie Perkins on Apr 16, 2009 12:36 PM EDT reply actions

[Trying to come up with something witty as to who would play Eli Manning. Help needed from the peanut gallery]

by Geaux Irish on Apr 16, 2009 12:40 PM EDT reply actions

Is the bear in that picture holding one of Les Mile’s testicles?

by Geaux Irish on Apr 16, 2009 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

Out of curiosity, is Conan bringing the masterbating bear to the 11:30 slot?

by Coop on Apr 16, 2009 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Getcha popcorn shrimp ready…dissagonnabefantastic.

by Flatlander on Apr 16, 2009 1:25 PM EDT reply actions

The making of this film may also mark the first time in history that the camera men and grips will be required to sign a Death-and-Dismemberment Waiver.

by CincySooner on Apr 16, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

Director: aaannnd… ACTION!!

Orgeron: YAGADDAAMMRAITAKSHUN!! WHOOOOEEE!!!

by CincySooner on Apr 16, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

Coach O – The gift to us all that just keeps giving.

by Sean F on Apr 16, 2009 2:59 PM EDT reply actions

masturbating bear will follow conan. or at least that was what was decided on one of his last episodes.

by geno on Apr 17, 2009 12:40 AM EDT reply actions

da coach O reel upsets!!! momma sekrets resuppee don be stole!!!! dis place have CHIKUNWAFFAS!!!!! wid PEESTACHIOS!!!!

www.westendcafe.com/pdf/dinner_menu.pdf

gonna go ovah to wunstonsalum an whup sum reer fer momma!!!!!

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 17, 2009 7:52 AM EDT reply actions

It really is a shame that this tidbit of information did not come out, or I did not get my hands on it, until now:

http://dealbreaker.com/2009/04/presented-without-comment-8.php

NEVER let it be said that Michael Lewis spares himself from his keen reporting. In his new memoir of fatherhood, “Home Game,” he writes that when he was dropping off his daughter at day care, the teachers giggled at him for no apparent reason. He asked his wife, Tabitha Soren, why they were laughing and she mumbled, “Er, it’s about your penis.” Lewis’ dogged reporting uncovered the grim facts: His toddler daughter, who had a habit of peeking on him in the shower, liked to blurt out to everyone at day care, “Daddy has a small penis!”

by Coop on Apr 20, 2009 6:24 PM EDT reply actions