MEL KIPER'S GENOCIDAL MADMAN DRAFT

You had me at “strinth.”

Mel might not be sold, but Michael Vick sure thinks that dog has potential.

Great breakdown, but I’m still puzzled by Mel’s omissions of Idi Amin and Houston Nutt.

Brilliant.

Mao-Tse Tung is upset, being a huge Bengals fan from childhood on. It’s been his dream.

I guess Shaka Zulu and Vlad Tepes are going to be free agents.

Sigh…

Todd McShay chimes in:

Mel’s basing the Churchill pick on the game film he watched on Gallipoli, but he’s missing out on a late-round sleeper from that contest: Mel Gibson. Personal demons, grew up in a former penal colony, could see his considerable fortune halved in the next year, noted anti-Semite. This kid’s a comer. I see him with the Bengals; the guy would be a great fit with their fanbase.

I object to Churchill going first. Don’t you know that if you kill civilians via bombing raids and win, you’re not a genocidal maniac? He didn’t even get in on the concentration camp action in the Second Boer war. His ranking’s boosted by being part of the British Imperial program, put him in a non-BCS conference team like Belgium and he couldn’t massacre the locals like Leopold. Churchill, that guy’s got bust written all over him.

Quite a bit of talent left on the board. Mussolini, Hussein, Pinochet, Lawrence Phillips…

So what’s up with the filing scheme on this one? Just trying to get people to click hopefully on the jump? It worked, mind you, but you might get sued for false advertising.

Someone’s gonna get a steal with ‘Lil Red dropping out of the top 10, I guess that’s why it’s always nice to be drafting after the Browns, Jags and Raiders.

Dear Mr. Swindle,

That picture is mislabelled. The Raiders’ draft pick in the photo is quite clearly the animal spirit of Major Wright. It’s ok, we’re all imperfect. Well, most of us anyway. God Bless.

Tim Tebow

Stalin has no killer instinct, Mel? 60 million dead Russians disagree. Not to mention that you totally ignored Che Guevara. Misogynist, ruthless murderer, and his incredible marketing potential is the cherry-on-top! You know, I bet that his countenance on T-shirts just might sell!

Hopefully the Cowboys will be smart to pick up Sadaam. I know they want to “avoid the whole media circus thing after TO” (yeah right) but Sadaam is a fucking steal in the latter half of the first round. I would prefer Idi Amin, but there is no way he will fall that far.

What about Columbus? Poor understanding of science and physics shows the kind of ignorance good madmen are made of. Killed nearly 8 million natives in seven years through slavery, torture, brutal imprisonment and murder after installing himself as governor of the Caribbean Islands in 1493. Through widespread use of his policies, a population of roughly 15 million natives was reduced to 22,000 by 1542. As a bonus, he introduced syphilis to Europe, leading directly to another 5 million deaths. Sure he played against weaker competition, but his teammates were also less skilled. He was directly or indirectly responsible for 20 million deaths 400 years before Stalin, and Stalin had the advantage of industrialization. Columbus is the Tom Brady of this draft.

Where did you find that picture of Ed Orgeron eating that ball?

And how do you not see the potential in Pol Pot? Yeah he’s small but if you can play then you can play. Emmit and Barry turned out to be just fine.

Harris @ 15

Sure he played against weaker competition . . .

Columbus…go figure. Some things never change.

Fucking Browns passed on Steve from Mogadishu?!?!?! No wonder they never are worth a shit!

If Mexico City ever gets a NFL team, they can draft Cortez.

As long as the Giants don’t draft Skip Bayless, I think I’ll be happy.

Mel Kiper is smoking crack if Genghis Khan isn’t in the top 5 on his board. That guy has a mean streak a mile wide, and no one can cover more ground, faster, than Khan.

Knowing our luck, he’ll probably fall to the Patriots. He’ll get along swimmingly with Bill Belichick.

+ 100 to Craig….. funniest thing I’ve read all week

Harris @ 15 – I think that Genghis Khan is in with a shout too, although you could argue that he was trying to f*ck up the program and therefore his mayhem is an indication of competence, unlike the results that Columbus sort of fell into. It’s a particular native skill to wreak that much havoc without really trying all that hard – you can’t coach that kind of speed.

I cannot imagine why San Francisco would pass on Kim Jong-il. The Hitler guy is going to be a bust.

What about Genghis Kahn? He should have gone #1 in front of Churchill. I mean Churchill is great and everything (drinks all day and honestly believes that he is the greatest person on earth) but Genghis Kahn may have been responsible for more deaths percentage-wise than this Hitler fellow.

My personal favorite is Nick Saban. I think he’s going to rule them all one day.

@ Trojan: Nah, from everything I read, “Butcher the natives and steal their material wealth” was pretty much Columbus’s plan all along.

Hmm, you’re saying Ghengis was kind of like Lawrence Taylor, just a phenomenal specimen who didn’t have to work too much on his game?

If you dare argue against him, Mel himself is good enough to be picks 1, 2, and 3…

He did invent the industry (as he will mention again and again) and is not afraid to bury those that oppose his knowledge!

Next pick, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bow down, bitches!

Actually, it was BECAUSE Columbus understood physics (figuring that the world is round) that allowed all that crazy destruction to happen. See, it’s science that’s the root of all evil, and as a chemical engineer who graduated with a low GPA, I guess that makes me more of a Charles Starkweather type.

Actually, to correct one fact. Churchill didn’t attend Cambridge (too many homos and commies there). He attended Sandhurst Military College.

Lets be honest folks… Al Davis is going to trade up the the one-spot by offering Detroit a particularly aggressive paper wasp.

Then, in an effort to out-dumb the Lions, Davis will draft himself #1 Genocial Madman overall.

Orson:

Please expand on this and complete the rest of the first round. This was your best writing since you attempted to assasinate Beano Cook.

How in the Wide Wide World of Sports did SF pass on Cecil B DeMille? Even The Waco Kid acknowledged Cecil’s propensity for killing peeps.

Clearly I have been watching Blazing Saddles too much.

In honor of Obama opening up ties to Cuba, Miami will draft Fidel. Yes, he was a dictator for a small, relatively unimportant country and needed to be propped up by outside forces (namely the Soviet Union) but at least his presence will fill the seats at Joe Robbie or whatever it is now called. God knows that Little Havana will turn them out to protest the pick. Purely an economic move on the part of Dolphin management in these recessionary times.

@ meatybob: Man, I hope you’re joking about that “Columbus discovered the world is round” stuff. Did you go to an accredited college?

I so love our Commentariat.

RACK ’EM!

@ hobeg8r: Excellent call on drafting Fidel and I think he will do more than just sell jerseys (to be worn by effigies being burned in protest before every kickoff). I think Fidel has proven his resourcefulness – he has managed to pull together a ragtag group of allies to stand up against the sole remaining superpower. Its like watching Hoosiers except with missiles and communism.

No Basil II Bulguroctonus? That man may not have killed millions, but if memory serves me correctly, he blinded 15,000 Bulgarians after the Battle of Cimbalongus, sent them a-marching home to Samuel. When Emperor Sammy-Boy of Bulgaria saw his blinded, helpless men, he had a stroke on the spot and died. Bulgaria ceased to exist after that for a few hundred years.

this euro-centric must-be-sovereign-leader nature of this draft is a total indictment of NFL scouts’ inability to see talent when it is staring them in the face. Mike Leach could go to sub-Saharan Africa and, armed with nothing more than $100 worth of zagnuts and some diesel, assemble a team that would have these nancy boys peeing their pants after the opening kickoff. PEEING THEIR PANTS. Your average teenage tough from Kinshasa can mindlessly rape, pillage, murder and hack up the other teams’ babies in their cribs to no discernible end better than any of these major conference chumps. Amin is the only guy who even deserves to be on the board at this point.

Japanese General Yamashita (he of the Bataan Death March) doesnt have time for this shit!

Oklahoma drill my ass! We are going to practice with swords and the bayonet!

And Houston Nutt. Don’t forget Houston Nutt.

Picking up on #39, have we overlooked Custer and Chivington’s work in the 19th century? Not sure they’d be team players, though.

I’d say nearly any meso-american ruler from 600 AD to the conquest put up some strong numbers, AND they would be the consumate team players. The casual killing associated with losing BALL games speaks to a tremendous brutality-upside.

and pine cones. Coach Leach would take pine cones, zagnuts and diesel and coach from a throne of skulls.

How could the Browns not pick John Boehner? Local boy, crazy and destructive as a wharfrat in a crate of chocolate. The chants heard from the female fans would mean instant TV ratings success.

#42, I must I agree with Ohiodawg. If you want numbers in the seats and people who took the ball game seriously I would do nothing but draft from Meso-American University. With Tlacaecel as your GM you would have a passionate crowd that not even the SEC would compete with.

Harris:

What are you getting at? You are not suggesting that Columbus sailed the world because he thought the world was flat? That is, well, the whole point of the trip. You know, the Spanish queen refusal, wars with Moors, etc. At that time, everyone thought you would sail off the edge of the earth. He didn’t, thought it was round, though he thought he would get to India, instead landed new world.

I never mentioned that he “discovered” the world is round, he believed it. Need to reread bub.

and yes, my english does suck.

. . . Either you’re fucking with me (and if so, kudos) or you really are dumb as a bag of hammers. No educated European of the time believed the world was flat. The ancient Greeks had proved the world was round centuries earlier.

Harris,

OK, forget it, you are talking about Columbus’ calculations of the earth’s size, not debating the earth’s spherical shape. And I shouldn’t have used “everyone” in my previous post, I was referring to the lay people who many still believed that the world was flat, not “everyone”. My mistake, I thought you were discussing what 90% of people incorrectly attribute to Columbus and that time period, instead of this oft overlooked fact of his miscalculation of the earth’s size.

But I can say with certainty that you are an asshole, though.

Some people were surprised, but I think I agree with Mel leaving Ozymandias off of the draft board. Frankly, he’s a system guy, and even though he designed it himself, it hasn’t seen enough action to be sure it will translate at the next level.

Sure, but I’m the asshole who knows how to properly craft a sentence and express a coherent argument, dipstick.

I think as soon as Trotsky rehabs from that injury he suffered on “vacation” in Mexico, he’d be a steal in a later round.

Sorry, but where is Andrew Jackson? Hello? Trail of Tears anyone? Moved Native Americans from their ancestral homelands of Georgia to “Indian Territory”, also millions of Georgians could put “G” license plates on their cars one hundred years later. Jackson was to ethnic cleansing what DickRod is to the spread. He may not have invented it, but he damn near perfected it. I say he’s picked before Hitler, just on the upside.

“I was referring to the lay people who many still believed that the world was flat,”

Nope.

http://www.asa3.org/ASA/topics/history/1997Russell.html

The idea that anyone believed the world was flat (much less anyone in the relatively educated circles Columbus would have moved in) was more or less invented, whole cloth, and then incorporated into the general narrative of religion standing in the way of science.

Our teachers lied to us.

The Jags WOULD pick a project…fucking team…

I second Lawrence at #53. Andrew Jackson is Tom Brady. All that guy needs is a shot, a legitimate shot. The league is sleeping on Jackson, big time.

Which brings up a major point. The top rounds can break your draft, but it’s the later rounds that make it. Here you find your lunchpail dictators and the bread-and-butter generalissimos—role players and special teams aces who can get you that key turnover or late sack.

Consider Ho Chi Minh. This guy offed hundreds of thousands of his own people, just for owning land. Sure, Ho lacks sand in the pants and there’s a real question of how effective he’d have been in college without Mao drawing the double team. But I contend that if Ho doesn’t blow his eligibility and leave the game before the end of the Vietnam War, the guy goes on a record-setting tear in South Vietnam. He’s what Maurice Clarett could have been, if Clarett stayed off the Grey Goose. Draft him in round four and feel damn good about yourself. Top round value in the second day.

And am I the only guy scouting Dick Cheney? Cheney doesn’t have the insane measurables of a Stalin or Hitler or even Pol Pot. But you find me a better Sunday game face than that Cheney smirk. Plug him into your linebacker rotation. I guarantee you, within two seasons he jumps right over your top-round prima donnas.

@56
Exhibit A: Cheney Smirk – casts the 51st vote to pass Medicare Part D.

@Busted Draft…I feel you with the late round value. But I think we do a disservice if we leave out the unpicked free agents. And that’s why I have to put Robespierre into the mix. Robespierre was operating under the radar, at the equivalent of a Division AA school, pre-Napoleonic France. And I doubt he’ll make the draft board. But boy was he efficient and cutting. I can definitely see the Raiders taking a flyer on him, mainly because he’s one dimensional, and if you’ve had James Jett on your roster for multiple years, you understand and value one dimensional players.

Rasputin in a later round. Difficult to hurt – let alone kill. Means he will play hurt. No injured reserves for him. Plus, he can lead the prayer before coming out onto the field.

Vlad the Impaler is going to be a steal in the middle of the first round. Aside from torturing and killing thousands of his own people (he once rounded up several thousand of the poor and crippled and held a great feast for them, then asked who amongst them would like to never be hungry or cold again. when they of course all sounded a strong aye!, he had the building locked and burned to the ground), he had tens of thousands of both Turkish soldiers and his own people impaled. He even got the Catholic church to OK impaling as a form of execution since he was mainly doing it to enemies of the church. a stickler for the the law, he had 30,000 merchants impaled on a holiday for breaking trade laws…. wait maybe he should be in charge of the bailouts instead.