Mel Kiper is the NFL Draft's foremost expert. Today he assists us with his boundless expertise, and tell us exactly how the first three rounds of the genocidal madman draft are going to go down.
It's been three months since Todd McShay and I updated our mock drafts. It's time to shake them up a little bit and review our first three rounds.
Detroit Lions, Number One.
Winston Churchill, Great Britain. A true malevolent madman in the making. Comes from good genocidal madman stock, and a program--Cambridge--that knows how to develop and train that stock. Thick. Mean when he has to be. Superb skill set. Like all good genocidal madmen, prefers to wear suits.
St. Louis Rams, Number Two: Teddy Roosevelt. Another slam-dunk pick in the making. A hunter, not a gatherer. Killer instinct. Eyesight may be weak, but so is a rhino's. They kill things all the time.
Kansas City Chiefs, Number Three: Joseph Stalin. I'm not sold on him: he lacks killer instinct, and thanks to his associations with the clergy may have too much mercy in him for the job. Poor communication skills with teammates. No cult of personality skills. I call bust, but he's going here.
4. Seattle Seahawks. Woody Hayes. Has the rage you need for the position.
Likes titles and uniforms. Dedicated to the powerful kind of ground game you need to go yard by yard in exterminating millions of lives for no reason. Born in Ohio and raised there, so already filled with the urge to murder. A sleeper pick that could yield big dividends for the Seahawks.
5. Cleveland Browns. Pol Pot. A baffling pick here. He's the ultimate tweener. No idea where his skill set puts him. Another disastrous Browns pick, since he's more of a third-rounder. Who ever heard of a French tech school grad doing big things?
6. Cincinnati Bengals. King Leopold of Belgium. A bit too old for this high a pick. Has a reputation as a prima donna. Is from Belgium.
7. Oakland Raiders. A scary-looking Dogue du Bordeaux Al found in an email from one of his grandchildren.
I'm not going to talk about the Raiders' picks in the draft. I have no idea what Al Davis is doing. I do like the dog's strinth, agility, and toughness, though. Maybe we'll all be surprised, but I don't think so.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars. Andre Smith, Alabama. Another sleeper pick. Clearly shows the poor decision-making and gluttony for a real genocidal monster, but the lack of obvious killer instinct shows. They're clearly hoping he grows into the role and becomes a heart-eating Idi Amin type. A project pick by the Jags. I don't like project picks at the eight spot.
9. Green Bay Packers. Brett Favre. An unconventional pick? Sure. But he's got the demonstrated ability to hold thousands of people hostage with dictatorial flair. Also, has a reputation as a gunslinger who doesn't care who he hurts with his wild ways. This is a must for he position. An innovative pick sure to click for Green Bay.
10. San Francisco 49ers. Adolf Hitler. Undersized. Definite physical issues. Good durability, and has anger issues. Has focus issues, though--is he going to be a genocidal madman, or an artist? Not one of the stronger picks in the draft, in my opinion. The 49ers would have been better off taking a player for a need position, like Jimmy Carter or Francisco Franco. They both make more sense here.