MEL KIPER’S GENOCIDAL MADMAN DRAFT
Mel Kiper is the NFL Draft’s foremost expert. Today he assists us with his boundless expertise, and tell us exactly how the first three rounds of the genocidal madman draft are going to go down.
It’s been three months since Todd McShay and I updated our mock drafts. It’s time to shake them up a little bit and review our first three rounds.
Detroit Lions, Number One.
Winston Churchill, Great Britain. A true malevolent madman in the making. Comes from good genocidal madman stock, and a program–Cambridge–that knows how to develop and train that stock. Thick. Mean when he has to be. Superb skill set. Like all good genocidal madmen, prefers to wear suits.
St. Louis Rams, Number Two: Teddy Roosevelt. Another slam-dunk pick in the making. A hunter, not a gatherer. Killer instinct. Eyesight may be weak, but so is a rhino’s. They kill things all the time.
Kansas City Chiefs, Number Three: Joseph Stalin. I’m not sold on him: he lacks killer instinct, and thanks to his associations with the clergy may have too much mercy in him for the job. Poor communication skills with teammates. No cult of personality skills. I call bust, but he’s going here.
4. Seattle Seahawks. Woody Hayes. Has the rage you need for the position. Likes titles and uniforms. Dedicated to the powerful kind of ground game you need to go yard by yard in exterminating millions of lives for no reason. Born in Ohio and raised there, so already filled with the urge to murder. A sleeper pick that could yield big dividends for the Seahawks.
5. Cleveland Browns. Pol Pot. A baffling pick here. He’s the ultimate tweener. No idea where his skill set puts him. Another disastrous Browns pick, since he’s more of a third-rounder. Who ever heard of a French tech school grad doing big things?
6. Cincinnati Bengals. King Leopold of Belgium. A bit too old for this high a pick. Has a reputation as a prima donna. Is from Belgium.
7. Oakland Raiders. A scary-looking Dogue du Bordeaux Al found in an email from one of his grandchildren.
I’m not going to talk about the Raiders’ picks in the draft. I have no idea what Al Davis is doing. I do like the dog’s strinth, agility, and toughness, though. Maybe we’ll all be surprised, but I don’t think so.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars. Andre Smith, Alabama. Another sleeper pick. Clearly shows the poor decision-making and gluttony for a real genocidal monster, but the lack of obvious killer instinct shows. They’re clearly hoping he grows into the role and becomes a heart-eating Idi Amin type. A project pick by the Jags. I don’t like project picks at the eight spot.
9. Green Bay Packers. Brett Favre. An unconventional pick? Sure. But he’s got the demonstrated ability to hold thousands of people hostage with dictatorial flair. Also, has a reputation as a gunslinger who doesn’t care who he hurts with his wild ways. This is a must for he position. An innovative pick sure to click for Green Bay.
10. San Francisco 49ers. Adolf Hitler. Undersized. Definite physical issues. Good durability, and has anger issues. Has focus issues, though–is he going to be a genocidal madman, or an artist? Not one of the stronger picks in the draft, in my opinion. The 49ers would have been better off taking a player for a need position, like Jimmy Carter or Francisco Franco. They both make more sense here.
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51
Harris says:
Sure, but I’m the asshole who knows how to properly craft a sentence and express a coherent argument, dipstick.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
52
robert says:
I think as soon as Trotsky rehabs from that injury he suffered on “vacation” in Mexico, he’d be a steal in a later round.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
53
Lawrence says:
Sorry, but where is Andrew Jackson? Hello? Trail of Tears anyone? Moved Native Americans from their ancestral homelands of Georgia to “Indian Territory”, also millions of Georgians could put “G” license plates on their cars one hundred years later. Jackson was to ethnic cleansing what DickRod is to the spread. He may not have invented it, but he damn near perfected it. I say he’s picked before Hitler, just on the upside.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:16 am
54
AERose says:
“I was referring to the lay people who many still believed that the world was flat,”
Nope.
http://www.asa3.org/ASA/topics/history/1997Russell.html
The idea that anyone believed the world was flat (much less anyone in the relatively educated circles Columbus would have moved in) was more or less invented, whole cloth, and then incorporated into the general narrative of religion standing in the way of science.
Our teachers lied to us.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:30 am
55
Clint says:
The Jags WOULD pick a project…fucking team…
April 16th, 2009 at 6:30 am
56
Busted Draft Pick says:
I second Lawrence at #53. Andrew Jackson *is* Tom Brady. All that guy needs is a shot, a legitimate shot. The league is sleeping on Jackson, big time.
Which brings up a major point. The top rounds can break your draft, but it’s the later rounds that make it. Here you find your lunchpail dictators and the bread-and-butter generalissimos–role players and special teams aces who can get you that key turnover or late sack.
Consider Ho Chi Minh. This guy offed hundreds of thousands of his own people, just for owning land. Sure, Ho lacks sand in the pants and there’s a real question of how effective he’d have been in college without Mao drawing the double team. But I contend that if Ho doesn’t blow his eligibility and leave the game before the end of the Vietnam War, the guy goes on a record-setting tear in South Vietnam. He’s what Maurice Clarett could have been, if Clarett stayed off the Grey Goose. Draft him in round four and feel damn good about yourself. Top round value in the second day.
And am I the only guy scouting Dick Cheney? Cheney doesn’t have the insane measurables of a Stalin or Hitler or even Pol Pot. But you find me a better Sunday game face than that Cheney smirk. Plug him into your linebacker rotation. I guarantee you, within two seasons he jumps right over your top-round prima donnas.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:05 am
57
haveagreatday says:
@56
Exhibit A: Cheney Smirk – casts the 51st vote to pass Medicare Part D.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:03 am
58
Lawrence says:
@Busted Draft…I feel you with the late round value. But I think we do a disservice if we leave out the unpicked free agents. And that’s why I have to put Robespierre into the mix. Robespierre was operating under the radar, at the equivalent of a Division AA school, pre-Napoleonic France. And I doubt he’ll make the draft board. But boy was he efficient and cutting. I can definitely see the Raiders taking a flyer on him, mainly because he’s one dimensional, and if you’ve had James Jett on your roster for multiple years, you understand and value one dimensional players.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:49 am
59
hobeg8r says:
Rasputin in a later round. Difficult to hurt – let alone kill. Means he will play hurt. No injured reserves for him. Plus, he can lead the prayer before coming out onto the field.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
60
Al D says:
Vlad the Impaler is going to be a steal in the middle of the first round. Aside from torturing and killing thousands of his own people (he once rounded up several thousand of the poor and crippled and held a great feast for them, then asked who amongst them would like to never be hungry or cold again. when they of course all sounded a strong aye!, he had the building locked and burned to the ground), he had tens of thousands of both Turkish soldiers and his own people impaled. He even got the Catholic church to OK impaling as a form of execution since he was mainly doing it to enemies of the church. a stickler for the the law, he had 30,000 merchants impaled on a holiday for breaking trade laws…. wait maybe he should be in charge of the bailouts instead.
April 19th, 2009 at 12:37 pm