FULMER CUP: BLAME IT ON THE AL-AL-AL-AL-AL-AL-COHOL BABY

by Orson on Apr 14, 2009 1:29 PM EDT

A moment of digression: Ron Howard, GET OUT OF OUR BALLER RAP VIDEO.

What the fuck are you doing in a car with Jake Gyllenhaal, Forrest Whittaker, and Samuel L. Jackson? Did Ironically Included White Guy #2 cancel at the last second? That's how freaked out we are by you being in a rap video: we didn't notice Jake Gyllenhaal in a rap video, or Forrest Whittaker for that matter, who hasn't been this close to hot women on film since Rage In Harlem. ("Pop goes the weasel!") It took us three listens to get over this, and to also notice this line.

Shawty got drunk, thought it all was a dream
So i made her say i, i i
Now she got her hand on my legs, got my seats all wet in my ride (all wet in my ride)
All over my ride (all over my ride)

This is not because she is aroused, Mr. Pain. This is because you have loaded up a 120 pound woman with enough alcohol to kill a 200 pound man, and she has released her bladder all over your white leather seats. Your pants are getting bigger not from an erection, but because you have just shat your pants while driving your Bentley down the wrong side of the street hammered off a whole bottle of Grey Goose. We suggest an expensive cleaning service.

We hope the seats in Niles Paul's car remain unsoiled and intact: extra cleaning bills would add to the already expensive fines the Cornhusker wide receiver will face after getting a DUI, MIP, and suspended license charge after his arrest around 2 a.m. Sunday morning. (He failed the Nolte rule: If drunk, pass out wherever you are, even if it's the morgue--at least they've got flat surfaces for you to sleep.) The dutiful Midwestern insistence on dotting the i's on the charges gets them four points. in the Fulmer Cup, gets Paul a suspension from the rest of spring practice, and gets you no raised glasses from Opie, who reminds you to blame it on the alcohol.

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Is Opie gonna have to choke a bitch?

by Signal to Noise on Apr 14, 2009 1:32 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, he and Johnny Paul are going over to Goober’s for booze, braods and weed, man. You know – the Fun Girls from Mount Pilot. They dig that kinky young rod Goober fixes ’em up with. S&M, baby.

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 14, 2009 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

A Rage in Harlem?! Alright, that is fucking IT. I will no longer pretend that the doughy, Muppet-lookin’ motherfucker who appears as “Orson Swindle” in various places around this site is the real Orson Swindle. The true editor/founder of this site is a 62-year-old black man who was better known as “Magic Stick” in the 70s when he kept his bitches in check while working as a pimp in San Francisco’s Tenderloin district. Once a close confidant of the legendary Melvin Van Peebles, he had a small part in Sweetback and has since retired to become a well-respected blues singer in Fort Worth, Texas. I saw A Rage in Harlem and I know full goddamn well that NOBODY saw A Rage in Harlem. There is no way in hell a white guy in his 30s actually saw A Rage in Harlem, especially not a white guy in his 30s with a professed love for big asses, fried chicken and the sartorial stylings of Idi Amin. Tell the truth, damn you.

by Harris on Apr 14, 2009 1:46 PM EDT reply actions

Shame on Mr. Paul for not dropping legal precedence and merely blam[ing] it on the Goose. [It had him] feeling loose.

by WorstFan on Apr 14, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

Are you sure that’s not Les Grossman? Big dick playa!

by Mrs. Saban on Apr 14, 2009 1:55 PM EDT reply actions

Is there an upcoming Jamie Foxx movie that involves the other three actors, Ron Howard as director and a panda that I don’t know about?

by Philip on Apr 14, 2009 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

i mean it is a Jamie Foxx video featuring Opie Cunningham Sex Machine…so what do you want? by yeah, i was pretty weirded out by this shit too.

by suicidewatch on Apr 14, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

Now if they had landed Clint Howard for the role, this thing would have been all sorts of awesome.

by jakldawg on Apr 14, 2009 2:54 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, now, that’s not accurate. That chick in “Crying Game” was pretty damn hot… what? Oh. Nevermind.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Apr 14, 2009 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

“Now she got her hand on my legs, got my seats all wet in my ride (all wet in my ride)
All over my ride (all over my ride) "

Shouldn’t Robert Plant get, like, half royalties on that or something?

by GamecockTony on Apr 14, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions

I kept waiting to see Richard Dreyfuss and the Pharaohs get into a rumble with Foxx’s posse. I was sadly disappointed.

by Raleigh Urbain on Apr 14, 2009 4:47 PM EDT reply actions

Opie in a fucking video with T-PAIN? A white guy who watched a RAGE IN HARLEM? Hell I’m black and I’ve never watched that movie. Really, WTF is this world coming to??

by BuddyColtrane on Apr 14, 2009 8:00 PM EDT reply actions