CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS COVERS THE NATIONAL TITLE GAME
by Orson on Apr 13, 2009 1:43 PM EDT
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PrintChristopher Hitchens was paid $45,000 for one night's work in Miami for the 2009 BCS National Title game by ESPN's Page 2. The piece was judged unusable, and has not seen the light of day...until now. Enjoy.
It is a notable coincidence of history to watch both Oklahoma and Florida tussle tonight on the same date that Abdul-Aziz-Ibn-Saud, puppeted Bedouin thug, murderer, tyrant, and happy patsy for the post-1900 colonial proxy octopus, named him self king of Hejaz, a barren waste of sand and camels invented on the spot and renamed "Saudi Arabia." (A humble piece of nomenclature, that.)
[/guzzles entire bottle of sherry, tells crowd below pressbox to "fuck you.".]
Like the tyrant who conjured a territory whole from the aether, so have we on this field two imaginary kingdoms wrenched forth from geographic oblivion.
Florida, were it not for the intervention of a few real estate scamsters in the '20, the discovery of insecticide, air-conditioning, and the generous slathering of federal pork upon the state's snake-infested swampwaste, would have descended into a kind of Sun Belt Lord of the Flies scenario, I think. I must also admit this may have happened despite all the best efforts I described in the following sentence.
[/berates Pat Forde for his lack of concern over the Cypriot situation, loses control of shirt-tail in process and exposes huge, Scotch-built belly. Calls Bruce Feldman "A closet Trotskyite fascist" for no particular reason.]
Likewise for Oklahoma. I know little of the state, but assume it is like Saudi Arabia, but with sod in place of sand and methamphetamine-riddled lumpenfolk in place of berobed tribesmen. Their obeisance to an imaginary, cruel, and violent despot of a nonexistent god is the same. So is their dependence on a single natural resource they neither created nor had the gumption to discover themselves. I suspect I shall not be traveling there soon.
Yet this American spectacle exists.
[/funnels twelve beers in parking lot with Florida fans, writes 15,000 word piece on liberal guilt, Russian policy, and this one time he and the staff of The Nation got drunk on brake fluid and threw batteries off the roof at the passing limousine of the Sudanese United Nations delegation.]
I know little of Tim Tebow, either. He appears to be large and fond of the noxious brand of fundamentalist Christianity confusing random athletic gene assignment, thanking his god in the manner of a suckling pig begging the freshly sharpened ax for forgiveness. If he wishes to live in his own spiritual Pyongyang, overseen forever by a nagging and sadistic parent, he may do this. That I should acknowledge his religion through the vehicle of appreciating his considerable athletic talents is a fallacy I cannot purchase nor endorse. Not one, thank you very much.
[/proclaims that if Bear Bryant was given an enema, he "could have been buried in a matchbox," gets jaw broken by a clearly inebriated Paul Finebaum. They become swift friends three minutes later.]
Florida wins, 24-14, in a battle decided by a Florida defense as thick as the skulls of those currently bemoaning the altogether beneficial invasion of Iraq, and by an Oklahoma quarterback as deluded as those who believe in the slavish cult surrounding Mother Theresa. Let us now hope the bars of South Beach provide less resistance, as I have female company to entertain, and though she is already quite willing, I hope to boom her sooner rather than later.
PEACE OUT--HiTCH.
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Hitch celebrates Easter. You know this to be true.
by vegas_buckeye on Apr 13, 2009 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t doubt he is drunk when he drinks at the gym…er, works out.
by oaklandbear on Apr 13, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
and if Paul Finebaum got a good enema he could proably have fit in the matchbox with Coach Bryant
by WarChiziken on Apr 13, 2009 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
“Calls Bruce Feldman ‘A closet Trotskyite fascist’ for no particular reason.”
Who needs a reason???
by MaconDawg on Apr 13, 2009 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
William F Buckley on steroids & sterno. Bravo.
by yoyofutbawl on Apr 13, 2009 3:00 PM EDT reply actions
True Story: A buddy was in graduate school in NYC (not NYU or Columbia. Oh, Hell, it was the New School for Social Research. Yeah, I admit it. But it really was someone else, not me.) That term, ol’ Hitch was guest lecturer or professor or agitator or whatever it is they call the faculty at the New School other than “refugee from Nazi Germany”.
I was visiting my buddy amongst others of the 8 million in the Overdressed City, and so Hitch took me and the buddy for a drink.
Wow, all those years of covertly reading the Nation tucked inside my copies of the National Review finally paid off! And you know what we talked about?
The fact that not one, but BOTH of the Literary Societies of the University of Georgia were OLDER than his beloved Oxford Debate Union!
SIC ’EM! ARP ARP ARP ARP ARP!
EAT THAT IN YOUR SILLY BOAT RACE!!!!!
EAT EVENRUDE NAVY BLUE BOY!!!! S-EEEEE-CEEE SPEED BAYBEEE!!!!
the only Oxford that counts is the one that screams Hotty Totty!
Thanks for giving me an opportunity to share that with the blogosphere.
by Conan D'Amato on Apr 13, 2009 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
oh, and the only reason Hitch would call somebody a closet Trotskyite is for mating purposes, I’m pretty sure…..
by Conan D'Amato on Apr 13, 2009 3:08 PM EDT reply actions
My home state pride does not blind me to truth when it is spoken. That’s a startlingly accurate description of Oklahoma.
by westbrooke on Apr 13, 2009 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
Good lord, that might be the best spot-on Hitchens I can think of. Just re-read the God Delusion, and that sounds remarkably similar. The book was better, though.
by blackertai on Apr 13, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Richard Dawkins wrote The God Delusion, not Hitchens. It would have been crankier, more rambling and less scientific if he had.
And really nice piece Orson.
by Texas Sized BS on Apr 13, 2009 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
Freaky, I can’t see the camera(man) in the reflection, but Hitch and things behind the “camera” are clearly visible. What form of magic did your wizards use to make this?
Ditto on the niece piece thing.
by North 2 on Apr 13, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
Jesus soaking wet Christ. I am truly skullfucked by the sheer awesomeness of this article. Outstanding even by your own standards, OS.
by fightinamish on Apr 13, 2009 5:37 PM EDT reply actions
Back in the olden days (December 1999) Hitch was on campus at Ole Miss for the final taping of Buckley’s “Firing Line” and was quite visibly drunk during the procedings. After the taping my friends and I were making our way back to the dorms when who should stagger out of the shadows but Mr. Hitchens, drink already in hand violating campus liqour laws (atta boy) asking us for a light. We had a smoke and b/s’d for a second about booze. Not missing a beat, Hitchens begins singing the line from Willie and George’s “I gott get drunk” that goes “..There’s more old drunks than there are old doctors/so i guess we’d better have another round..”
by Warrior Possum on Apr 13, 2009 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
You owe Hunter S. Thompson’s estate royalties for ripping off his coverage of the Mint 500 for “a big Eastern sporting magazine.”
Some shame, please; not all of us are under 40.
by An 'eer with a Beer on Apr 13, 2009 6:38 PM EDT reply actions
Please consider this astonishing fact: out of 18 comments thus far, 2 commenters have had direct drinking experiences with Hitch. Now, please consider the odds of this happening at random.
He is clearly one of the great bon vivants of our time. Holla at a playa when you see him on the street.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 13, 2009 9:44 PM EDT reply actions
Hitchens is at a point that even when he is totally wrong, nobody cares. About 3 years ago, he wrote an article (maybe more) in slate.com bemoaning the “fact” that obviously a military coup forced Castro out of power and how the US intelligence is piss poor for not realizing this. Now 3 years later, Obama is thinking about having talks with Fidel about easing travel restrictions. Yet, no one dares call him out.
He is so eloquent that even when he doesn’t conjure a factually correct and/or salient point, people just believe he’s correct. Thats pretty awesome, and considering who he is, kinda scary.
by meatybob on Apr 13, 2009 10:27 PM EDT reply actions
@20
What’s really scary is that he manages to do all that you said, whilst doing so without the aid of a Teleprompter.
Hitchens/Hannan 2012 – Because sometimes you just need a Limey to tell you what’s what.
by SierraSpartan on Apr 14, 2009 12:01 AM EDT reply actions
On the contrary, it is my opinion that he is known far and wide as a fatuous outspoken gasbag. I would no more bother to fact check Christopher Hitches than I would the barking of a stray dog.
by 77south on Apr 14, 2009 12:08 AM EDT reply actions
@#6:
Comrade Stalin agrees and thanks you for your continued support.
by robert on Apr 14, 2009 8:59 AM EDT reply actions
Brilliant. Still waiting for the Erin Andrews/Mother Teresa reference, though.
by DevilGrad on Apr 14, 2009 5:11 PM EDT reply actions
I’m sad it isnt true. It would mean ESPN page 2 had some purpose and literary balls sending Hitch to be embedded at national “title” game. Page 2 ended when Hunter decided to self serve check-out.
by Shawn on Apr 15, 2009 10:08 PM EDT reply actions
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