TOO FAT TO RANK, TOO BIG TO IGNORE

by Orson on Apr 9, 2009 11:20 AM EDT

GIMMEH STARS!.

Chad Lindsay, according to Rivals, is an unranked prospect too obese to consider in the Rivals 250. Chad Lindsay is also a University of Alabama commit who chose the Tide over 19 other scholarship offers. The reason for the discrepancy? Lindsay is listed at 6' 2", 307, and as seen in his photo to the right, is a bit of a fat bastard. Or, should you like the faithless scientific term, "is morbidly obese." Use it all you like, godless cretins. We'll just call him "aggressively fluffy" and leave it at that.

We mention this to point out two things. First, coaches generally don't give a shit what Rivals or Scouts think, as evidenced by the passionate pursuit of a human bomb blast barrier by twenty schools. Second, it confirms what you may have begun suspecting with the appearance of Terrence Cody at Alabama: Nick Saban is building his own personal Deadwood of freaks, future gastric bypass candidates, and refugees from Dr. Moreau's island in order to win a national title at Alabama.

He doesn't care how many liquid diets or food rangers it takes: he will take every morbidly obese line mutant in the nation under his wing, and ensure they get down to a manageable half-ton or so in order to fall forward, crush opposing linemen with a fart, THUD!, and whimper, and thus wear teams down into forfeit by roster depletion. We approve, especially now that he's gotten Terrence Cody down to a svelte 350.

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Notice that the only school on his list not to offer is Notre Dame. What’s wrong Charlie, do you see a younger ginger version of yourself?

by TideDruid on Apr 9, 2009 11:26 AM EDT reply actions

I swear, the first thing I said when I saw his picture on rivals is, “Wow, he’s kind of a porker.”

by haybeav on Apr 9, 2009 11:29 AM EDT reply actions

Wait till you see James Carmen line up for Alabama, all 6-7 375 pounds of him. He’s from the same JUCO as Terrance Cody. Must be something in the water down there, but as long as they keep sending mammoth run stuffing NGs to Tuscaloosa, its all right by me.

by CapstoneGrad06 on Apr 9, 2009 11:41 AM EDT reply actions

Does Weis have any eligibility left? I’m sure Saban would take a chance on a man of that size. It takes an hour just to run around him.

by psuphiman80 on Apr 9, 2009 11:44 AM EDT reply actions

When Tide Druid mentioned a young Charlie Weiss, and the idea was later floated of putting him on the O-line,my curiosity was piqued. I did a little research, and was fortunate enough to find a photo of young Charlie engaged in some sort of blocking drill by the looks of it. Impressive stuff.
http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906329

by ben hill gryphon on Apr 9, 2009 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

How come the photo isn’t tagged “Holly’s Future Ex-Husband”?

by GamecockTony on Apr 9, 2009 12:28 PM EDT reply actions

GamecockTony, I think the answer is Swindle’s strong survival instinct.

And the kid looks like a red headed Billy Bob from Varsity Blues. I’m going to assume the explanation for the offer list is incredible agility through the buffet line.

by MaconDawg on Apr 9, 2009 1:58 PM EDT reply actions

Deadwood, or Carnivale? Both fantastic shows cancelled before they got to finish. sigh, more HBO-induced blueballs

by swampchomp on Apr 9, 2009 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

Jesus Christ! A 300 lbs. O-lineman! I’ve never heard of that before!!

by PB on Apr 9, 2009 2:25 PM EDT reply actions

The guy is still developing he might shed the fat and replace it with muscle or he might just continue to balloon on the doughnut, coke, and barbecue diet.

I am reminded of the time in high school is which I saw a fat slob eating a glazed doughnut and washing it down with a Diet Coke.

by Anonymous IV on Apr 9, 2009 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

doughnut, coke, barbecue diet – add Coors Light to the list and you have just described the eating habits of most of the people in my home town.

by Wes Tex on Apr 9, 2009 3:57 PM EDT reply actions

What? Eleven replies and no Fulmer jokes?

The kid can probably play, but what else would you expect from the love child of Magino and Fulmer.

There, I said it.

by sevenDs on Apr 9, 2009 4:02 PM EDT reply actions

That’s Mangino. $%#@&!

$1 to Eric Cartman.

by sevenDs on Apr 9, 2009 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

Wes Tex, that was funny. But they could drink Shiner Bock.

by Anonymous IV on Apr 9, 2009 4:10 PM EDT reply actions

Hell, at 350, Terrance Cody should be able to carry the ball 15-20 times a game instead of block at the goal line.

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Apr 10, 2009 12:01 AM EDT reply actions

If you’re recruiting 270lb. tackles and hoping to a.) redshirt them, b.) “bulk them up”, and c.) give them a year on the strength and conditioning program… you’re doing it wrong.

Which do you think is easier to do, drop thirty pounds or gain twenty? Speaking as a 57 year old coach who neither has to lose or gain any weight myself?

Dropping the thirty is dead easy, I tell ya.

by Not the Mama on Apr 10, 2009 10:17 AM EDT reply actions