GIMMEH STARS!.

Chad Lindsay, according to Rivals, is an unranked prospect too obese to consider in the Rivals 250. Chad Lindsay is also a University of Alabama commit who chose the Tide over 19 other scholarship offers. The reason for the discrepancy? Lindsay is listed at 6′ 2″, 307, and as seen in his photo to the right, is a bit of a fat bastard. Or, should you like the faithless scientific term, “is morbidly obese.” Use it all you like, godless cretins. We’ll just call him “aggressively fluffy” and leave it at that.

We mention this to point out two things. First, coaches generally don’t give a shit what Rivals or Scouts think, as evidenced by the passionate pursuit of a human bomb blast barrier by twenty schools. Second, it confirms what you may have begun suspecting with the appearance of Terrence Cody at Alabama: Nick Saban is building his own personal Deadwood of freaks, future gastric bypass candidates, and refugees from Dr. Moreau’s island in order to win a national title at Alabama.

He doesn’t care how many liquid diets or food rangers it takes: he will take every morbidly obese line mutant in the nation under his wing, and ensure they get down to a manageable half-ton or so in order to fall forward, crush opposing linemen with a fart, THUD!, and whimper, and thus wear teams down into forfeit by roster depletion. We approve, especially now that he’s gotten Terrence Cody down to a svelte 350.