PEPPER THE NOTRE DAME COMEBACK DOLPHIN GETS A STALKER
by Orson on Apr 9, 2009 12:36 PM EDT
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PrintLos Angeles. Charlie Weis, Pepper the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin, and a random woman Pepper picked up in a bar in LA.
Pepper: WHO'S THE MASTER RECRUITER NOW, CHARLIE?
Charlie: You said you were going after a tight end. That was misleading.
Pepper: SHE'S GROWN INTO A RUNNING BACK! AH AH AH!
Charlie: Okay. I've gotta get out to Oaks Christian see another of the Montana kids. Jesus, there's like eight of them. Joe breeds like a brain-damaged rabbit with three dicks.
Pepper: AH AH AH! THAT'S THE SPIRIT, CHARLIE!
Woman: I've never slept with a dolphin before. Only a Saint. Ha! That's a joke!
Pepper: TALKING IS UNATTRACTIVE, LIKE YOUR SISTER!
Woman: You're mean! And right. Where are we going?
Pepper: TO MY HOTEL WHILE CHARLIE GOES TO RECRUIT. YOU BETTER PUT IN A BETTER PERFORMANCE FOR ME THAN YOU DID ON THAT VIDEO.
Weis: Game tape wasn't too impressive, lady. We demand championship effort at Notre Dame.
Woman: Where?
Pepper: AH AH AH! LAID THERE LIKE A WILLINGHAM LINE RECRUIT! TOTAL LACK OF EFFORT.
Weis: Just unacceptable, ma'am. I gotta grab my car from the valet. Wait, is that---
Pepper: OH NO.
Woman: An Asian guy! With a taser!
A disco ball drops into the street suspended from cables. Music strikes up from unseen speakers. Norm Chow begins dance seductively toward Pepper.
Pepper: STALKING AUTOTUNE HACK!
Norm Chow: You can't deny my love forever, Pepper.
Weis: Legendary offensive coordinator Norm Chow?
Pepper: CHARLIE RUN. YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.
They run for a city block. Charlie Weis keeps up a shockingly good pace with his cane. They turn a corner, and...
Pepper: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Norm Chow awaits, rose in hand and shirt open to mid-sternum.
Norm: Girl, you've been on my mind, and I got something to tell you. 3..2..1..
Pepper: I HAVE RESTRAINING ORDERS, NORM.
Weis: So that's why he's never been a head coach.
Pepper: A FANTASY DOLPHIN STALKING FETISH WILL DO THAT TO YOUR CAREER, CHARLIE. RUN!
Woman: Oh god. This is grosser than the time I found out Reggie went to college.
Weis: Well, that depends on your definition of college, sweetie. They're looking into that now.
Pepper: RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!
They flee.
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my boss walked in as dolphin love was playing….awkward
by LSUKevin on Apr 9, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
No “nightmare fuel” tag? You’re selling yourself short, Orson.
by gosouthgohard on Apr 9, 2009 1:50 PM EDT reply actions
Sigh. Here. Holly wins by bidding five comments.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 9, 2009 2:00 PM EDT up reply actions
It’s pretty impressive that the NCAA realized that they could use the existence of 2 investigations to suggest lack of institutional control after only about a year… unless of course Johnson’s lawyers are trying to up the ante on getting a settlement / gag order.
This can only end well.
by DC Trojan on Apr 9, 2009 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
“Pepper: TALKING IS UNATTRACTIVE, LIKE YOUR SISTER! "
Dear baby Jesus that’s some fucking hilarious shit.
by BurritoBrosShits on Apr 9, 2009 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
I was wondering where this was gonna go on the site. Masterful as always sir
by NDEddieMac on Apr 9, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions
That Pepper is one nattily-attired dolphin, perhaps flossy even.
by tomcat on Apr 9, 2009 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
But Norm just wants a fin-job…
The musical accompaniment is what really sells it.
by Signal to Noise on Apr 9, 2009 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
I have no idea what you all are talking/posting about. I never made it past Kim K’s ass.
/ok, so i made it down here to post but im goin’ right back up for more
by GamecockTony on Apr 9, 2009 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
@GamecockTony
I believe Orson cut Kim K’s ass down for the sake of the post. It would take at least 2.5 jumps to fully encompass all of it. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
by tomcat on Apr 10, 2009 4:32 AM EDT reply actions
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