Los Angeles. Charlie Weis, Pepper the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin, and a random woman Pepper picked up in a bar in LA.

Pepper: WHO’S THE MASTER RECRUITER NOW, CHARLIE?

Charlie: You said you were going after a tight end. That was misleading.

Pepper: SHE’S GROWN INTO A RUNNING BACK! AH AH AH!

Charlie: Okay. I’ve gotta get out to Oaks Christian see another of the Montana kids. Jesus, there’s like eight of them. Joe breeds like a brain-damaged rabbit with three dicks.

Pepper: AH AH AH! THAT’S THE SPIRIT, CHARLIE!

Woman: I’ve never slept with a dolphin before. Only a Saint. Ha! That’s a joke!

Pepper: TALKING IS UNATTRACTIVE, LIKE YOUR SISTER!

Woman: You’re mean! And right. Where are we going?

Pepper: TO MY HOTEL WHILE CHARLIE GOES TO RECRUIT. YOU BETTER PUT IN A BETTER PERFORMANCE FOR ME THAN YOU DID ON THAT VIDEO.

Weis: Game tape wasn’t too impressive, lady. We demand championship effort at Notre Dame.

Woman: Where?

Pepper: AH AH AH! LAID THERE LIKE A WILLINGHAM LINE RECRUIT! TOTAL LACK OF EFFORT.

Weis: Just unacceptable, ma’am. I gotta grab my car from the valet. Wait, is that—

Pepper: OH NO.

Woman: An Asian guy! With a taser!

A disco ball drops into the street suspended from cables. Music strikes up from unseen speakers. Norm Chow begins dance seductively toward Pepper.

normchow


MP3 File

Pepper: STALKING AUTOTUNE HACK!

Norm Chow: You can’t deny my love forever, Pepper.

Weis: Legendary offensive coordinator Norm Chow?

Pepper: CHARLIE RUN. YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

They run for a city block. Charlie Weis keeps up a shockingly good pace with his cane. They turn a corner, and…

Pepper: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Norm Chow awaits, rose in hand and shirt open to mid-sternum.

Norm: Girl, you’ve been on my mind, and I got something to tell you. 3..2..1..

Pepper: I HAVE RESTRAINING ORDERS, NORM.

Weis: So that’s why he’s never been a head coach.

Pepper: A FANTASY DOLPHIN STALKING FETISH WILL DO THAT TO YOUR CAREER, CHARLIE. RUN!


MP3 File

Woman: Oh god. This is grosser than the time I found out Reggie went to college.

Weis: Well, that depends on your definition of college, sweetie. They’re looking into that now.

Pepper: RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!

They flee.