NEOLOGISMS, 2009 EDITION

by Orson on Apr 8, 2009 3:04 PM EDT

We'll get a head start on 2009 by defining reality before it defines us. The words that will define your college football universe for 2009 follow. Learn them. Fear them. Whip them with an old television antenna and tell them how bad they've been.

The San Francisco Treat: The term for a mouthful Jeremiah Masoli's bulky but very nutritious shouldermeat:

Stinespringensumpfenheit: The unique state of being stuck in the morass of an offense coordinated by Virginia Tech OC Brian Stinespring.

Makarouxouttaya: The slow-acting, abundant, and poisonous bacteria found in Ed Orgeron's spittle.

The Bahamian Yardstick.Randy Shannon's new seasonal nickname for his penis, known only to his wife, himself, and Miami columnist Dan Lebatard. [submitted by Dan Lebatard]

The Walleyed Starfish: Jonathan Crompton's signature pocket move.

The Sexecutioner, Fourthmeal, NAFTAshave, Dirty Mittens, and Ol' Bubble 'n Squeak. The new nicknames for the five starting offensive linemen at Texas Tech. Coming off the bench: Plagueballs, the Indomitable

The Monte List-o. The 43 degree angle Monte Kiffin will make, desperately in need of a nap, as he leans up against the first down marker late in night games.

The Choccy Splay: Florida State's traditional maneuver to close out the regular season.

Touchdowns. To score a touchdown, one team must take the football into the opposite end zone. This can be done by rushing, in which the ball carrier carries the football forward into the end zone. It can also be done by passing, where an eligible receiver catches a forward pass in the end zone. The receiver can also catch the ball prior to reaching the end zone and carry it across the plane of the end zone. This would still be considered a "passing" touchdown as opposed to a "rushing" touchdown. This is worth six points.

(Applies to Auburn football only as a new term. May also be called "a seis de Malzahn.")

The Fluff & Hold: When Pete Carroll drapes an arm around your shoulders, like being wrapped in a warm white towel fresh from the dryer.

The Comely Paper Lantern: Jake Locker's code name at the UW Med emergency room.

Patricia Michaels. Mike Patrick's stage name in drag shows. (Also known as Kanga Manley, Sobush Dangerfelt, and Jo Jo Handswarmer.)

The BuffaBuffer: Dan Hawkins' totem staff, topped with the skull of a grizzly, used for prodding lollygagging players in practice, but also great for pickup up those hard-to-reach spills under the table and in corner. Call now and we'll throw in this FREE CODY HAWKINS HELMET-CAM AT NO CHARGE!!! OR JUST CODY HAWKINS!!! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!

Meyerplexy A continuous neuromuscular spasm resulting in uncontrollable rigid pointing of the index finger and arm for hours at a stretch.

The Toes Of Texas: Mike Sherman's stratagem for improving the Aggies' punt return numbers, in which all defenders stomp forcefully on the feet of opposing players then run like hell.

The Flayhawk. The term for Kansas's one tight, three wide shotgun formation as run by Todd Reesing. Also slang for Iron Chef Bobby Flay's thinning coiffure.

The WACness: A new television network airing West Coast games from 11 PM - 6 AM nightly featuring WAC football, european hockey, French military programming, amputee boxing, and other things featuring zero defense whatsoever. (Anchored by waterskiing squirrel coverage every night at 10:25)

Tebowponialism The state of being fatigued with endless Tim Tebow coverage, but then becoming numb to it, but then becoming bothered by it all again, and then slipping into a kind of catatonic appreciation of the guy, which will then edge into annoyance two weeks before his final game, and then back into numb nodding and smiling. (See: VincinVinceability, the similar condition provoked by 2005 Vince Young.)

The Saber-Rattling Central Cortex of Senora Zapato: Dennis Erickson's underground Tempe lair and adjacent Popeyes franchise.

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Tressonality: A personality trait that causes a man to employ the most boring offensive game-planning imaginable. Also makes fine fried chicken.

by Harris on Apr 8, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions

The Gatorlich Maneuver

The polar opposite of the Heimlich maneuver (whereby you thrust your arms in an upward manner so as to save a choking victim).

The Gatorlich Maneuver is scheduled to be displayed on September 19 at which time Brandon Spikes will be forcing a football down the throat of Kiffykins in order to CREATE the choking victim.

by hobeg8r on Apr 8, 2009 3:42 PM EDT reply actions

There may be HUGE points coming KU’s way if this is true:

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2009/apr/07/vehicle-hits-student-after-confrontation/

From Tigerboard (Mizzou’s blog)

A close source, whom we consider quite reliable has informed us that the person responsible for hitting a pedestrian after a confrontation in Lawrence late Saturday night/early Sunday mornings is none other than RB Jocques Crawford. Our source says the pedestrian was a teamate, name unknown. The back of the skull was fractured in 4 places and had severe swelling of his brain. They don’t think he’ll make it so they are waiting to press charges accordingly. Once again, take this for what it is- a rumor(even as well backed up as we have heard.) We wish the best for the person lying in that hospital bed, no matter what the reason or who hit him. Hope this all turns out to be a rumor, but wanted to let you know what we are hearing.

From another anonymous yet extremely reliable source close to the team:

Apparently there was a bit of dust-up between Joc and Ben Lueken. Not sure who else was involved. Apparently Joc said something to Ben, who flew into a fit of rage. Ben was extremely intoxicated and jumped up on the hood of Joc’s Tahoe. Joc slammed on the brakes and Ben flew off, cracking his head open. Awaiting word how bad the injury is.

The team is very upset, for many reasons, about the whole situation.

by hobeg8r on Apr 8, 2009 4:06 PM EDT reply actions

I think Jo Jo Handswarmer was an Alpha Chi I knew.

by GamecockTony on Apr 8, 2009 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

I am looking forward to the Walleyed Starfish. But I will also settle for the Crippled Garden Slug or the Grumpy Snail.

From now on any inept offensive should be named after a mollusk, preferably a gastropod, because I do not want to insult any cephalopods or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

by Anonymous IV on Apr 8, 2009 4:35 PM EDT reply actions

Anybody hear what Musburger says in the WA/USC clip: “ButtLocker is pushed out…” hehehe

by JD on Apr 8, 2009 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

Foreskin Lateral:
Illegal handling of small Phillipino boy’s penises. Offset by the fact that “he’s just SUCH a great human being and athlete!”

by Vol on Apr 8, 2009 5:11 PM EDT reply actions

Pryor Restraint – The actions of a person with Tressonality, intended to keep turnovers from being created, with the side effect of severely limiting big play capabilities.

by MikeLew on Apr 8, 2009 5:11 PM EDT reply actions

CDS or Cornerback Default Swap – Desperation move of putting a 3rd string quarterback in the defensive backfield to shore up a weak defense.

TARP or Terrible Ass Recruiting Plan – Top secret program introduced by Charlie Weis which manages to turn “nationally ranked recruiting classes” into hacks.

by ohiodawg on Apr 8, 2009 5:12 PM EDT reply actions

Are the archives searchable? I have stored away in the “9/08-11/08 do not de-frag under any circumstances” part of my brain that somebody on here came up with a snappy word for a pick-six involving Jarret Lee. Anybody remember?

by haveagreatday on Apr 8, 2009 5:15 PM EDT reply actions

You know, I’ve seen that play over and over, and I can’t help but think that the USC defender was legitimately trying to keep Locker a few inches off the first down marker. It was going to be a close play prior to the penalty, and I think it’s more gamesmanship than outright skulduggery.

by This Guy on Apr 8, 2009 5:33 PM EDT reply actions

This Guy-
I’m with you. I really don’t think I would have thrown the flag. If he didn’t want to get hit, he could have ducked out of bounds a yard earlier, instead of skirting the sidelines all the way to the marker. It’s supposed to be a rough sport last time I checked.

by Vol on Apr 8, 2009 5:35 PM EDT reply actions

To play off of a zoology term (caducous)

Coducous- The amount of weight shed by Terrence Cody before next season.

According to this video:
http://www.tidesports.com/article/20090408/VIDEO/904082027&template=video
He is down to 354 and at one point refers to it as “slimming down”

by Tyler on Apr 8, 2009 10:21 PM EDT reply actions

Stinespringensumpfenheit: Du hast mich.

by algroh's sweatshirt on Apr 8, 2009 11:55 PM EDT reply actions

This Guy,
I would normally agree except that the defender was standing out of bounds before he dived to hit the QB. Which personally I think would make the move a little cheaper and at the least worthy of a flag…

by Jonathan on Apr 9, 2009 12:08 AM EDT reply actions

@haveagreatday:

Was it TAINT (for “touchdown after interception”)?

by Biff Hooper on Apr 9, 2009 6:50 AM EDT reply actions

“a seis…” what? “une sies…”

Milesianism- the habit of going for it on 4th down consistently.
Kiffinitis- constanly having the desire to put your foot in your mouth
Mangino Syndrome- intense, heavy droolling develops at the mention of an all-you-can-eat buffet for $9.99. Sweet tea and tax included. (Also known as Friedgen’s Disease).

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 9, 2009 8:27 AM EDT reply actions