CURIOUS INDEX, 4/8/09

by Orson on Apr 8, 2009 9:33 AM EDT

They keep it nasty in Minnesota. Minnesotans sound so cute when they curse and wave knives. Oh jeez you betcha. Got my license right here AHHH STABBED IN FACE.

The Asian guy running toward you screaming with a machete gets "This represents imminent danger for sure." Genius in narration, thy name is Minnesota police training video! If Tim Brewster can get these people to do football motivational videos, the Gophers are going to be positively stabby this fall.

* [REDACTED] The asterisk is coming down, per Tim Griffin's reporting. The bonuses, however, will stay. Mack Brown claims to have known nothing about this, and may not have--given his status as crusin' CEO-type coach, it's probably shocking how many things go on every day that he doesn't know about. For example? No clue about Will Muschamp's man-on-bear fighting pit beneath the covered practice facility. Shhhhhhh! (motherfucker!)

Strike two and you're out. In truth, there were many, many more counts against Demetrice Morley-so many it would be hard to say which single instance of being late to practice and otherwise not fulfilling his responsibilities eventually got him the boot from Tennessee. Morley was a first-rank recruit coming in. He is now a college dropout with dependents and no job or degree. This is called fucking up. Learn it. Recognize its signs.

You know what compartment syndrome is? It's rare, it happened to UCF's Cory Hogue, and it sounds like a Conestoga Wagonloadful of suck.

Onward endless speedsters, onward. Florida breaks in the next generation of scarily fast receivers. Ho-hum lightspeed.

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Speaking of knives and a really great way to screw up your college future, here’s this:

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/local_news/epaper/2009/04/06/0406chisholm.html?imw=Y

by hobeg8r on Apr 8, 2009 9:44 AM EDT reply actions

Puny-ass knives scaring a Minnesota Cop? This is the state that gave us the proper use of a wood chipper to eliminate evidence. You betcha.

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 8, 2009 9:45 AM EDT reply actions

What he said: Put the knife down, sir.

What he meant: This muthafu . . . That. Is. IT! Gonna take my ASP right upside this fool-ass muthafucka’s head. Cracka-ass cracka wanna pull a blade on me? I put my FOOT in a cracka’s ass so deep, ahmma be pullin’ corn out my goddamn belt buckle. I’m gon’ whup yo’ ass like I was yo daddy, crack-ass cracka.

by Harris on Apr 8, 2009 9:56 AM EDT reply actions

Compartment syndrome is like the candiru of sports related injuries. Just thinking about it is bad enough.

Georgia receiver Damien Gary had compartment syndrome once. I remember hearing he’d be out for an ungodly length of time and thinking “what could possibly be that bad without ligamet damage or a broken bone???” Then I went to webMD to look it up. Holy crap.

by MaconDawg on Apr 8, 2009 10:13 AM EDT reply actions

(Candiru=penis-invading fish, y’all.)

by Orson Swindle on Apr 8, 2009 10:15 AM EDT reply actions

That’s totally a legend. Except for that one poor bastard . . .

by MaconDawg on Apr 8, 2009 10:21 AM EDT reply actions

I could have gone without hearing about either compartment syndrome or Candiru today……now thinking makes it hurt in two new places, instead of just the normal space between the ears.

by MikeLew on Apr 8, 2009 10:35 AM EDT reply actions

I bought the special edition of “Fargo” for this?

by jakldawg on Apr 8, 2009 10:54 AM EDT reply actions

So guy pulls out a SWISS ARMY KNIFE out of hammer pants ‘a block away from home’ after pleading to the cop to let him “Goooooaaa” and drops it when the telescoping billy club gets pulled?

And that was the most believable part of the video?

And yes, I sure did attend school in the great state of Minnesota. I don’t know if it’s possible to parody a parody of your state’s accent, but they pulled it off.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! (Flashing text and neon lightning bolts. Head Exploding)

by Walk On Boy on Apr 8, 2009 11:46 AM EDT reply actions

Reading about Morley leaves me, as an LSU fan, with a sense of deja vu. The only thing missing is a few “alleged” bar brawls.

by DrBundy on Apr 8, 2009 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

Sounds like Morley is gonna a great father, and the guy who works at a car wash and talks non stop about how great he was in high school, and at age 28, still chasing high school chicks with one or two more baby-mama’s for good measure.
I hear USF or Jax State is needing some good players, maybe South Alabama…or…..Ole Miss?

by Mr. Pelican Patns on Apr 8, 2009 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

Thinking about playing ASU in Sanford Stadium this year gave my pants compartment syndrome.

by Grib on Apr 8, 2009 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

AND WHERE IS THE “GOING TO ATHENS TO TRY MMA” STORY, SWINDLE?!

by Grib on Apr 8, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

PP – at least he won’t be pumping gas.

by hobeg8r on Apr 8, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

I learned about compartment syndrome in an athletic training class, thankfully. I got kicked wen I worked at a treatment center, the doc said I was fine, so I went to another doctor sliced me open to relieve the pressure. Probably saved my leg. Now of course my leg hateds that doctor because I’m 320 pounds.

by Benja on Apr 8, 2009 2:44 PM EDT reply actions