MUSCLEBOY, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE A SON
by Orson on Apr 7, 2009 3:34 PM EDT
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PrintA mid-sized suburban home in Michigan. An unusually wiry boy plays with ten pound weights and does bored pullups on a small pull-up bar.
Mother: Well, he's a normal boy in every other way. He just happens to be curiously strong for his age, and--
Pete Carroll: You have a beautiful aura, ma'am. Can I call you Sarah?
Mother: My name's Dana. There's no water for miles around. How the hell did you--
Pete: Sarah's a beautiful name. Almost as beautiful as you and your son here. I'd like to offer your son a scholarship to play football at the University of Southern California. He's just that good.
Mother: I'm sorry, he's just three and..I'm sorry, there's the phone. Excuse me. She picks up the phone.
Mother: Hello?
Lane Kiffin: Put the child on the phone, lady. Just do it.
Mother: This is who?
Kiffin: This is the best thing to ever happen to your son. If he doesn't take this phone call, he's gonna end up pumping gas in East Dakota.
Mother: That's not even a state, sir. And you are--
A knock at the window.
Rick Neuheisel: Hope you don't mind! I'll just be here staring in the window and waving for the next fifteen years.
Mother: GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW. Now, Mr. Carroll, if you'll--I'm sorry, I'm getting a text message here.
Carroll: Ignore that text message. Focus on my cut abs and listen to me: your son was born to be a Trojan.
Mother: I really appreciate it, but he's only three, and--excuse me, you can't just come in here without knocking!
[NAME REDACTED]: Your child's intense. Likin' it. He wants to fight me. Right now. I can see it in his. Eyes. Sounds like one for Illinoize. Come on monkey boy. We got all the bananas you can handle at. Ilinoize.
(Flexes, oils up traps, tells secondary to look at their toes when the ball gets near them.)
Mother: Please leave my house.
Neuheisel: Technically I'm not in your house. Tell that to the NCAA!
Carroll: Will Ferrell will sodomize him for you if you want. I have that power.
Mother: No, that's...Actually, yes. I'd like to see that.
Neuheisel: If that's what it takes to convince you I'm serious about your son, ma'am, then I'll take it.
Ferrell: WHO WANTS TO WIN FOREVER?
Neuheisel: Oh god.
[NAME REDACTED:] Sodomy. Recruiting. Little aroused. Guy from Elf. Likin' it.
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Story is in Michigan and no Rich Rod or Tressel? You’re slacking!
by Natijacket on Apr 7, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Come on. They’re good, but they’re not depraved like the coaches depicted here. This is the rapid response crew.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 7, 2009 3:50 PM EDT up reply actions
This will help Randy Shannon’s recruiting effort “more than you know”.
Nick Saban has time for this shit.
by Kerwin4two on Apr 7, 2009 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
I’m imagining [NAME REDACTED] rolling up in a rusty old Econoline with “FREE CANDY” written along the side, 22-inch rims, spinners and twin tanks of the Red Bull he’s mainlining perched on the roof.
by Sam @ WWAHT on Apr 7, 2009 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
though it was a valiant effort by all, Mac Brown has already signed the kid as a part of his 2023* class.
- we make up our own rules at the University of Texas to suit our particular needs and wants. To hell with the rest of you poor suckas.
by Wes Tex on Apr 7, 2009 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
“Scientists hope to figure out how to mimic Hoekstra’s condition to help treat people suffering from muscle-wasting diseases such as cancer, heart failure and HIV.”
Meanwhile, NCAA coaches hope to cash in on the scientific research. Now if we can just clone Rainey’s groin muscle with this….Gators will reign 4ever.
by hobeg8r on Apr 7, 2009 5:00 PM EDT reply actions
What’s missing from the above story was that Mack Brown already got a commitment out of him six months ago.
by Rimbo on Apr 7, 2009 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
I’m a tad bemused – wouldn’t Urbz be the first one there due to the plentiful ESSS EEE SEE Speed at UF? Tebow would gladly give the coach a ride on his ample, rippling, throbbing shoulders. The kid could be recruited, and have his foreskin whisked away, all before nap time.
by vegas_buckeye on Apr 7, 2009 5:33 PM EDT reply actions
When I saw the headline, I assumed this was going to be Barwis’ son. Much funnier than that, nice one.
by JB on Apr 7, 2009 5:36 PM EDT reply actions
Fools! Pete Carroll does not need to waste money and time recruiting this kid with all those readily accessible steroids in Hollywood (allegedly.) He can just keep taking those long-haired pussies from LA, turn his head as they are approached by random juice dealers, watch them transform into child-eating wood-chippers in an off-season and win (forever) the Rose Bowl!
by Jesus on Apr 7, 2009 5:38 PM EDT reply actions
Correction: I guess that makes the USC linebackers “child-chippers” and not “child-eating wood chippers.” I would love for LSUFreek to masterfully engineer one of those.
by Jesus on Apr 7, 2009 5:40 PM EDT reply actions
Meanwhile, Nick Saban flies his crimson TIE fighter (part of his contract) to Michigan and lands it outside the house. Aftter cutting a hole through the wall with his crimson lightsaber, he commands the mother “I don’t have time for this shit, hand over my new apprentice.” Of course he does this while forcechoking the other coaches so they cannot interfere.
by Bamaman on Apr 7, 2009 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
Does anyone else see a resemblance to da Coach O? Coincidence? I think not.
by Nick on Apr 7, 2009 6:15 PM EDT reply actions
How ’Bout This Scenario:
Cheeseburger Weis convinces the mom to send the kid to ND (the family is Catholic)…. then…Urban Meyer cries the mom and son a river and gets the boy to sign with him in Florida out of pity and stuff…and then…all blanks breaks loose in South Bend with cracks about traitor, subversive and pinko-liberal and stuff…..(I know, I know…leave the material to the experts…)
by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Apr 7, 2009 7:19 PM EDT reply actions
Weis would recruit the kid, but has to wait ’til he gets a look at his SAT scores…
Move your ass and hit the books kid!
by www.southbendblarney.com on Apr 7, 2009 8:00 PM EDT reply actions
This kid is awesome. Cranks up the Fisher-Price music, benches 2 plastic Weider cement 12lb weights on each side of the bar, which is really 100lbs in real weights….for 25 reps….replaces Enfamil with Muscle Milk, washes it down with Pedialyte, then grows up to join the marching band for Michigan.
by Mr. Pelican Patns on Apr 8, 2009 10:48 AM EDT reply actions
This was a story here in Michigan two years ago. His dad is a big Michigan fan and mentioned he would be the next Mike Hart:
by PeterKlima on Apr 8, 2009 10:06 PM EDT reply actions
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