A mid-sized suburban home in Michigan. An unusually wiry boy plays with ten pound weights and does bored pullups on a small pull-up bar.

liamhoekstra

Mother: Well, he’s a normal boy in every other way. He just happens to be curiously strong for his age, and–

pc_boogie_ghoul

Pete Carroll: You have a beautiful aura, ma’am. Can I call you Sarah?

Mother: My name’s Dana. There’s no water for miles around. How the hell did you–

Pete: Sarah’s a beautiful name. Almost as beautiful as you and your son here. I’d like to offer your son a scholarship to play football at the University of Southern California. He’s just that good.

Mother: I’m sorry, he’s just three and..I’m sorry, there’s the phone. Excuse me. She picks up the phone.

Mother: Hello?

Raiders Kiffin Football

Lane Kiffin: Put the child on the phone, lady. Just do it.

Mother: This is who?

Kiffin: This is the best thing to ever happen to your son. If he doesn’t take this phone call, he’s gonna end up pumping gas in East Dakota.

Mother: That’s not even a state, sir. And you are–

A knock at the window.

neuheisel

Rick Neuheisel: Hope you don’t mind! I’ll just be here staring in the window and waving for the next fifteen years.

Mother: GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW. Now, Mr. Carroll, if you’ll–I’m sorry, I’m getting a text message here.

picture-5

Carroll: Ignore that text message. Focus on my cut abs and listen to me: your son was born to be a Trojan.

Mother: I really appreciate it, but he’s only three, and–excuse me, you can’t just come in here without knocking!

a_zook_i

[NAME REDACTED]: Your child’s intense. Likin’ it. He wants to fight me. Right now. I can see it in his. Eyes. Sounds like one for Illinoize. Come on monkey boy. We got all the bananas you can handle at. Ilinoize.

(Flexes, oils up traps, tells secondary to look at their toes when the ball gets near them.)

Mother: Please leave my house.

Neuheisel: Technically I’m not in your house. Tell that to the NCAA!

Carroll: Will Ferrell will sodomize him for you if you want. I have that power.

Mother: No, that’s…Actually, yes. I’d like to see that.

Neuheisel: If that’s what it takes to convince you I’m serious about your son, ma’am, then I’ll take it.

will_ferrell__1_

Ferrell: WHO WANTS TO WIN FOREVER?

Neuheisel: Oh god.

[NAME REDACTED:] Sodomy. Recruiting. Little aroused. Guy from Elf. Likin’ it.